When You Don’t Feel Like Loving: What 1 Corinthians 13 Looks Like in Real Life

Posted on by Bob Richley
Open books, journal, tea, and glasses on a wooden table by window

When people ask how I’m doing, I give an honest answer: “It depends on what I focus on or think about.” Philippians 4:8 tells us, “…Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (NIV) That is not easy. The world bombards us with negative news. Our own minds want to complain rather than complement.

Experiment

Try to think about 3 good things that happened today. Now, try to think about 3 bad things. Which list was easier? For me, if I’m honest, it’s harder to think of the good things.

Good List

  1. My kids received their honor roll certificates today. I’m proud that I have smart kids.
  2. My wife and I had some unexpected one-on-one time, enjoyed a smoothie, and shared a few things about our day.
  3. I exceeded one of my goals. I have 160 media outlets to reach, and I have to follow up on each of them once. My goal is 3 new contacts a day and 3 follow-ups. I wrote 6 follow-ups, and I contacted 3 outlets not on my list.

Bad List

  1. My dad has stage 4 cancer. I’ve been praying for healing, and healing hasn’t happened yet.
  2. I’ve been feeling melancholy most of the day recently. I don’t know exactly why, but it’s been pretty persistent for a week or so.
  3. We have a prayer service today. Usually my wife is my prayer partner and sits beside me. Today she is singing on stage as part of the worship team so she won’t be at my side. I told her it feels like I’m single again when she’s not beside me.

Feelings

When you think about your good list, how do you feel? How about the bad list? I feel good, almost happy, when I think about the good list.

I think that’s why God tells us to think about what is good. The problem, as with anything God tells us to do, is that it goes against our human nature, so we can’t do it.

Even to think of good things, we need God’s Spirit. We need to rely on him, not our own willpower.

Love and Life

With all that is happening in my life, some good and some bad, my feelings are ever-changing. Because of my dad’s cancer and almost daily updates from my family, my thoughts tend toward the bad. So my feelings are sad, angry, and hurt.

I’m retired right now, and that is wonderful. This gives me time to do things I enjoy, such as writing and spending more time with my family. As I type this, my feelings improve. I get warmth in my heart because of the gift of time.

Choice

Navigating marriage and family, though, is not easy when my predominant feeling is melancholy sadness. Thankfully, my marriage and family are not built on feelings. I may not feel love, but I’m committed to love.

My marriage is built on the bedrock of Biblical commitment. My wife and I started our marriage by signing a covenant with God. We rely on God to keep our marriage strong, to raise our family, and to love.

We choose to love, to plan to love, and to be continually THINKING “about LOVE,” regardless of my feelings and regardless of the other person’s actions, so our marriages will stand against any storm.

One of the things God calls us to think about is love — not the feeling, but the practice. So I’ve been working through 1 Corinthians 13 one quality at a time.

Love

To love my wife and kids, I need to think about what love is and do it. God defines love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others; it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Patience

I’m not naturally patient. I was single for 47 years, which means I got to do what I wanted when I wanted. I rarely had to consider what others needed or wanted. I could be on time to any event.

Now, I’m married and have 2 daughters. My wife needs, and my daughters need to get ready to leave. I’m ready in less than 5 minutes. My wife and girls might take an hour to choose clothes, wash their faces, apply facial products, and do their hair.

Since love is patient and I’m not, I need to rely on God to wait. I still strive to be on time, and sometimes I get frustrated when we are “running late.” I don’t always get it right, but God is working on me.

Kind

Kindness means serving and meeting others’ needs in useful ways. It’s an action, literally stepping up to DO something helpful and useful. It could be a physical, emotional, or practical need.

My wife is a Filipina, so she is not particularly tall. She needs me to get things down from the cabinets that she cannot reach. This is a practical need.

Sometimes, my wife needs rest. She works harder than anyone else in the house. I need to understand and let her rest. Sometimes, I need to rest beside her because she wants my presence. This is a physical need.

When my wife is upset because the house is a mess, she needs help cleaning and for me to tell our daughters to clean up their messes. For my wife, this is an emotional need, not just a practical one.

I’ll touch my wife, give her a brief shoulder massage, and kiss her on the cheek. These are kind ways I show her love. Her love language is affection, so in doing so, I’m showing her love.

Not Envious

My wife is gifted. She has a beautiful voice for singing. She is also very compassionate, so that she can take care of people with intellectual disabilities in our home.

Rather than envying her gifts and talents, I often compliment her, praising her voice and compassionate heart.

She also hears from God better than I do, so I need to listen to her. If I were envious or proud, I would not listen. I would do things MY way, which would be the wrong way if God was telling her something else.

Not Boastful or Proud

I can also do things my wife cannot, or am good at things she is not. My profession was solving problems as a computer developer. I’m very logical. I see solutions.

Sometimes God’s way isn’t logical, and the solutions he offers don’t make sense. If I’m proud, I won’t listen, especially if he speaks through my wife.

This is true for my own daughters. Sometimes they have an idea I need to follow, even though they are young and I’m their dad. If they are right, I need to be humble and agree.

Does Not Dishonor

One of the mistakes I’ve made is to criticize my wife in front of others, including my kids. This dishonors her. I’ve seen the bad results, for the kids will complain about their mother and not listen because of something they heard me say about her.

Instead, I need to praise my wife in front of others. I do make a conscious choice to do that. I praise her in front of friends and our children.

Not Self-Seeking

As a single, I could be very self-seeking. As a married person, I must consider my wife’s and kids’ desires and needs.

I don’t like parties. I’m introverted, and large gatherings are not comfortable for me. My wife loves parties, especially Filipino parties. It’s a chance for her to connect with her friends and her culture. So, I go to parties with her.

Not Easily Angered

Since my dad’s diagnosis, this has been the hardest for me. I feel angry often. Anger is a secondary emotion. Underneath my anger is hurt and sadness. Not exploding in anger requires self-control, which comes from the Holy Spirit.

I’ve not been perfectly successful. At the same time, I’ve refrained from exploding. I’ve not always handled the angry feelings well. I wrote about it in a few blogs. In this blog, I wrote “What I Learned About Anger When God Exposed My Heart,” and in this one, I wrote about how I handled conflict poorly.

This is the area that God is working on the most. I’m seeing progress, but have not arrived.

Keeps No Record of Wrongs

How easy it is to drum up the past. I’m guilty. I’ve mentioned things my wife did wrong in the past. I’ve also thought about things she’s done but haven’t said anything. Both are not loving.

To combat this, I make an effort to tell my wife what she does well, what she has done well, and what I admire about her.

I leave love notes, and I often say in these notes that I do not regret marrying her. I believe God put us together, and she is the best for me. In fact, I tell her that God uses things that irritate me to mold my character.

Truth

The devil is the father of lies. (John 8:44). I need to speak the truth in love in my marriage (Ephesians 4:15). The hardest truth to admit is when I’m wrong. I need to admit I was wrong and apologize.

I recently snapped at one of my daughters. She did have a bad attitude, but I was wrong to have snapped at her. Later, I apologized for snapping, but lovingly corrected her.

I had to admit to my wife a few times that I handled my anger wrongly. I never find this easy. I don’t like to be wrong, and I don’t like people knowing I was wrong.

I also don’t like conflict, but sometimes I do need to confront my wife and lovingly correct her. I also need to receive correction from her, which is even more difficult than correcting her.

Protects

As a father, I naturally want to protect my wife and daughters, but I can’t always do so, so I pray. I pray God will protect them and set his angels about them.

Protection is not just physical. It’s also emotional. One way to protect my wife’s emotions is to acknowledge them and allow her to feel what she feels. Another way is to compliment her in front of others, so they see her in a good light.

My wife’s job is serving as a host home provider — which means three people with intellectual disabilities live in our home. It is meaningful, demanding work, and sometimes they can hurt my wife by the things they say or do.

Sometimes, my wife needs me to confront certain behaviors because she knows they will listen to me more than to her, their primary caregiver.

One hit my wife once. I had to confront her. When she did it again years later, she was removed from our home.

One often invades personal space and can become very angry. I’ve had to confront this individual a few times.

It’s hard. I need to control my anger when I must confront.

Trusts

I trust my wife. We both know God puts us together, and we will never divorce. My wife knows she is the best and the only one for me. However, even though she knows, I tell her often. I’m building trust when I do.

I also purposely look at my wife when I notice another woman. I don’t want wandering eyes or to lust. I know the trap of lust and won’t fall into it. Looking at my wife reminds me and her that she is the one I love and whose beauty I admire.

Hopes

As believers, we have assured hope. We know and trust in God’s promises. My dad’s cancer and my mom’s health can discourage me, so I remind myself of God’s promises. I put hope in what I know is true.

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1) God gives me faith to hope for what I can’t yet see. I cling to that faith and hope.

Always Perseveres

Persevere means to continue trying, working, or holding fast to a goal despite facing difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

I’m very discouraged and facing difficulties, but I’m still trying, working, and holding fast to faith and hope.

Focus

I can focus on my parents’ health and be miserable. I can allow the difficulty to overwhelm my feelings, attitudes, and actions. Or I can choose faith, hope, and love with God’s help (1 Corinthians 13:13). By choosing faith, hope, and love, I can love my family despite difficult circumstances.

When I focus on faith, hope, and love instead of the cancer diagnosis and the hard days — that’s what Philippians 4:8 looks like in a real marriage.

I choose to think about love — and put it into practice — and pray that God’s divine love works through me to do so.

Let us Think About Love.

When the Answers Don’t Come: What God Is Teaching Me Through My Dad’s Cancer

Posted on by Bob Richley
Weathered hands cupping a small lit candle in darkness

What is God trying to teach me in the midst of my struggles? We often ask for deliverance from our struggles, and I have. My dad has stage 4 cancer. He had cancer over 30 years ago, and it’s back. I’ve prayed for healing. I asked God to heal him before he underwent chemo. God didn’t. My dad is currently having chemo treatments. I haven’t stopped praying for healing.

Someone challenged me with the question What is God trying to teach me? That question made me think. I know God works all things together for good (Romans 8:28), and I know he’s conforming me to the image of Christ (Romans 8:29). I believe he’s using cancer for my good and to conform me to the image of his son, but how?

Anger

I know since the diagnosis, I’ve had a hard time with anger. I find it harder to control. While I haven’t exploded at anyone, I find it hard not to.

I wrote extensively about a time recently when I handled anger poorly. I believe God is working on my anger through this cancer. He’s certainly exposing it and having me rely more and more on him rather than on my own effort.

I often pray, asking God to make me “slow to anger and abounding in mercy” (Psalm 103:8 NASB) and to help me be “quick to listen and slow to speak” (James 1:19 NASB).

Faith

One lesson certainly is faith. Even though I’m not getting the answers to prayers that I want, I’m still trusting God and that He has my best interests at heart, even when I see things seemingly getting worse. It’s not easy to trust and have faith when I see decline.

My mother doesn’t remember things I’ve told her many times. She doesn’t get dressed and get out of the house often. This is hard. She is clearly declining and is not handling the stress well.

It’s not easy to have faith when I see how much has changed.

My dad is in pain every day. The man with whom I used to climb mountains and run 10-mile races has trouble walking from the car to the gym in the parking lot.

I have faith, but what I feel is despair.

Now one of my regular prayers is “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” Psalm 42:5.

Praise is helpful. When I read one of the psalms of praise as a prayer, it helps. It restores my joy and hope.

Hope

Even when things look grim, I still have hope. I believe “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

I’m reminded of the lyrics to the song Even If by Mercy Me. I pray to God that he will heal my dad and mom, and I hope he does, but as the song says:

“I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone”

Love

It’s easy to love when things are going well, when life is blessed, and when others love you in return. When facing aging parents’ decline in health and feeling angry, it’s hard to love, but love I must.

When I feel anger and sadness, love doesn’t come naturally, but it will come supernaturally. God is Love (1 John 4:8). He is the source of love. The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). So, love is not up to me and my strength. Love comes from God, who is love.

When I can’t love, God does. I see him helping me love my wife when I want to explode. I see him help me love my children when I’m out of my own patience. I do fail, but God picks me up and helps me apologize and love better.

Joy and Peace

I’m not happy; I’m sad. Joy is not a feeling. It’s a profound sense of peace and trust. I have peace. Even if my parents should leave this earth, I know I will see them again. I trust God is working things out for good, even if I can’t see it. I have joy and peace even when I feel sadness and anger.

God is Working

I don’t pretend to know all God is doing in the midst of this. I don’t know all he is trying to teach me. I do know and trust that he is working and teaching me. I’ll come out of this better, stronger, and more mature.

I don’t fully know what he’s teaching me. You may be wondering the same thing, but together we can trust that he’s teaching you something, too.

Not Her Way, Not My Way: How God Leads a Cross-Cultural Marriage

Posted on by Bob Richley
Family gathered on the porch of a mountain home with tropical gardens

What should you do if your wife wants your newborn to sleep in the same bed as you, but you disagree? My wife and I faced this question with our first child. She is from the Philippines, where it is common for babies and young children to sleep with their parents.

My wife and I come from different cultures, generations, and socioeconomic backgrounds. We have a 13-year age gap. The Philippines is a poor country, and my wife grew up with very little.

My wife and I are very different, but these differences can make our marriage stronger if we let them. We can argue to get our own way, or we can choose to listen, pray, and try to do things the way God wants. We depend on each other’s strengths.

Our Differences

Sharing Our Home

When we married, I assumed I’d be the breadwinner. I had a good-paying job, and my wife was moving to America with a nursing degree, but no ambition to be a nurse. With a 13-year age gap, I had been working for a much longer time and had received significant pay raises, making my income sufficient for a family.

Some of her friends were taking care of people with intellectual disabilities. These people lived in her friend’s home, and we would see them at parties. My wife’s friends spoke to her about their job, and she liked what she heard.

When my wife approached me with the idea, I was initially very against it. I had friends who raised kids with intellectual disabilities. My sister’s youngest daughter had an intellectual disability. So I was somewhat familiar with the difficulty of caring for a person who needed special attention.

I admit, I also had pride. I was proud that I could provide for my family. We also helped my wife’s family in the Philippines. This was where the problem was for my wife. She wanted to do more for her family. She always has. When she won a singing contest, she gave the prize money to her family. When she worked in Japan, she used the money she earned to build a house for her parents.

Softened Heart

I could not deny my wife’s heart. We prayed, and I conceded to having one and only one. We consolidated our girls into one bedroom and eventually built a room in the basement, followed later by a bathroom and another bedroom, which is another story.

Phillipians 2:5 says: “Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself taking the form of a bond-servant. And being made in the likeness of men, and being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.”

I needed humbling to allow my wife to earn money in this way. In doing so we were able to afford Disney World and trips to the Philippines. She was able to build homes for her family and start businesses for them. The blessings have been undeniable.

Budgeting

Since my wife grew up with very little, she learned to live hand to mouth. She is very frugal and prefers to buy ‘new’ clothes from thrift stores or online at a low price. This is one of her strengths.

However, she did not know much about saving, investing, interest, or budgeting. When our church offered a Financial Freedom course by Dave Ramsey, I signed us up because I thought it would help her. I am very glad we took that course.

Since then, we have stuck to a budget. We use cash envelopes and keep several savings accounts for things like travel and Christmas. Every month, we plan our budget together and agree on our spending in advance. We also have an emergency fund for things like broken appliances.

Finding Common Ground

It’s not that we always agreed on spending money. We’ve had our conflicts. One example was buying a car. We disagreed on timing. We had one car that worked well. The problem was we kept adding to our household.  We started with one person with intellectual disabilities living in our home, but eventually added more, which took a major softening of my heart each time.  As we did, so too did our need for a larger vehicle arise. I wanted to wait, but my wife didn’t. We prayed and eventually agreed to get a car in the much nearer future than I wanted.

I insisted on paying cash, but my wife wasn’t so sure. Eventually, we agreed to pay cash because this was in line with the budgeting plan we were following.  We needed at least a 7-seater, and I wanted it to be a Hybrid. This narrowed our search considerably. We found an older car in rough shape that we could afford and immediately put money into it. That car lasted many years and cost many repairs.

Proverbs 21:5 says: “The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty.” We made a plan and stuck with it. Because of this, we are debt-free. We paid off our house early, and I was able to retire at 60.

Keeping House

My wife makes it her job to beautify the house. I like things arranged by function. She prefers arranging things for appearance. This has caused some minor disagreements. Most of the time I concede, because she does make the house look beautiful and comfortable. She has a decorator’s eye. When she decorates for Christmas, I’m amazed. Simple things like making the bed, she does so much better than I.

This also creates a point of stress for my wife. When the house is a mess, when the kids leave things lying around, and she’s not in a good mood, we all need to watch out. She can be very upset. This is not a time to fight. This is a time she needs support. I need to get the kids to pick up messes and help clean the house.

I, too, am more relaxed when everything is arranged in the house. Neatness and organization have a way of reducing stress for us all.

Raising Kids

Respecting elders is a foundational value in Filipino families. From a young age, children learn to address anyone older than them as Ate (older sister) or Kuya (older brother) as a meaningful sign of respect.

Alongside this deep respect, discipline plays a significant role in child-rearing. Traditional methods, such as corporal punishment, are very common for correcting misbehavior in the Philippines. When I was growing up, my parents used a mix of approaches; they sometimes spanked, but most of the time, they relied on a form of “time-out” where I would stand in the corner to reflect on what happened.

There is a common joke I’ve heard concerning the Filipinos and yelling. “I’m not yelling, I’m a Filipino,” meaning what you hear as yelling is how I normally speak. I speak gently to our kids. My wife speaks in the Filipino loud voice that most Americans would consider yelling. Our children certainly consider it yelling.

Merging Cultures

Merging these two cultures for raising children has been a challenge. We often pray about raising our kids and generally reach a middle-ground agreement. My wife expects me to support her and knows that the kids listen to me more.

We don’t spank our kids; however, when they were very young, this happened a few times, reluctantly and not often. We mostly resorted to taking away toys or privileges.

Our kids are well-behaved but not as respectful as Filipino children. They do obey us and even confess wrongdoing they think we were unaware of. We do receive many compliments on how well-behaved our daughters are. We know they are not perfect, but we are happy they are learning, growing, and becoming wonderful women of God.

Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” We as parents are responsible to train and teach our children. As parents we try to be unified in our approach. We are not perfect and have made mistakes, but we do our best with God’s help.

Which Church

One of the most important decisions we make as a family is where we worship. This is more than where we hear a message on a Sunday. This is where our family volunteers, who teach our children and become part of our family community.

When our kids were little, one of the most important things to both of us was which church was best for our kids. We shopped around and eventually agreed on a church that our kids liked. I got involved in a men’s group and taught Sunday school. My wife joined the worship team.

The next choice was not as easy. My wife had a communication issue with the worship team, and she dropped out. At the time, there was only one service, and since I was teaching Sunday school, I missed many services.

Looking again

My wife started looking. She started attending other churches while I continued teaching Sunday school and attending the same church. We prayed, and I realized that we were missing koinonia (fellowship, communion, doing life together). We had people we knew but really only one couple who were our friends. We had shallow relationships otherwise. This got me on board with finding a church. We needed something different and something more.

God worked on my heart in a way that surprised me. One of the churches my wife visited was more charismatic in style. This felt like home to my wife, who attended a similar church in the Philippines. I was initially against it and very uncomfortable. It was too “emotional” for me.

Changing my Mind

But… then I read The Awe of God by John Bevere. The book talked about the holy fear of God being reverence for God. It talked about intimacy with God and hearing God in a way that I never experienced. Bevere also spoke about speaking in tongues in a way I understood and found to make sense. This opened my heart to the possibility of a charismatic church.

After spending a weekend just my wife and I in prayer (the girls were away at camp), we decided this church would be our home church. That Saturday night we attended church and were invited out to dinner. It was confirmation that we could find koinonia here.

Hebrews 10:25 states: “Not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching“ (NIV). We believe in meeting with fellow believers, serving in our local church and fellowshiping with other saints. Koinonia is how we are encouraged and how we encourage one another. We do life together.

Sleeping Arrangements

When our first daughter was born, she initially did sleep in our bed, much to my initial objection. My wife was insistent upon the benefits from her culture. It was one of the many times my wife turned out to be right and I wrong. I conceded because I do enjoy snuggling with a baby and I could see the benefits of the arrangement.

We eventually moved our daughter to a crib, which was more the American way. If we had been in the Philippines following the Philippine way, she would have stayed in our bed much longer.

The next child was in our room near our bed but not in it. As our kids grew, we allowed them “sleepovers” where they would join us. This proved to be a bonding time with our daughters. They are ten and twelve now and still request sleepovers.

It wasn’t the Filipino way or the American way. Looking back, that was true of more than just how our daughters slept.

The Common Factor

In all these decisions, we were aiming not for my wife’s way, not my way, but for God’s way. We weren’t perfect in our decisions or even in the process, but we were committed as a couple to listening to and obeying God.

1 Corinthians 2:16 says: “For who has known the mind of the Lord, so as to instruct him? But we have the mind of Christ.” (ESV) This is our aim in our marriage: to have the mind of Christ, to think as he does and do God’s will.

The Bible talks about the ‘helpmate’ (ezer kenegdo (עֵזֶר כְּנֶגְדּוֹ) in marriage in Genesis 2. Ezer means helper or rescuer. Kenegdo means corresponding to, standing opposite, or being an equal counterpart. In other words, we are different but together complete.  Further in Genesis 2, it says, ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife in such a way that the two become one.’ Becoming one like the Father, Son and Spirit are one is the goal. They are different and distinct, yet one (one mind and one purpose). To become one, we both need to listen to God and obey him.

What 40 Years of Teaching Kids Actually Taught Me

Posted on by Bob Richley
Five children reading an illustrated storybook together outdoors beneath a tree

From kindergarteners at the Newman Center to my own daughters’ Sunday School class, I’ve spent nearly four decades learning what actually works with kids. It started in college, co-teaching Confraternity of Christian Doctrine (CCD). I was hooked from that first class. I enjoyed teaching the lessons and playing with the kids. Over the years, I volunteered across a range of children’s ministries: working with kids in broken marriages, serving as a Big Brother, teaching Sunday School. When I finally married at 47, all those years had quietly prepared me to raise kids of my own — and eventually become their Sunday School teacher too.

Here are some of the things I learned.

Play is Important

In every ministry, I played with the kids. This was not just to welcome them and help them feel comfortable. This was a valuable part of the lessons and a wonderful bonding experience.

Fred Rogers famously said, “Play is really the work of childhood” emphasizing that play is not a break from learning, but rather serious and essential learning itself.

When children play, they are stimulating their memory, attention, and curiosity. As they play, they learn about cause and effect, gain understanding, and develop critical thinking.

As they interact with other children and adults, they learn vocabulary, sentence structure, and oral communication. Interaction also teaches empathy, conflict resolution, and cooperation.

I wrote more specifically about the benefits of outdoor play in this blog.

When I got down on the floor to play with the kids, I bonded with them. I was communicating to them that what they considered important was important to me.

Affection is Needed

When I worked with Kindergarten- or younger-aged kids, some would come into class crying. They often were experiencing separation anxiety. I held these kids in my arms, talked softly to them, and eventually played with them.

I remember the first time my nephew was separated from his mother, my sister. He was visiting my parents for the first time. He had never been separated from his mom. When she left, he cried, screaming for his mom. He banged on the door. I opened the door, held his tiny hand, and walked down the sidewalk until he calmed down.

Hugs and gentle touch trigger the release of oxytocin (the bonding hormone) and lower cortisol (the stress hormone), which supports healthy brain growth and neural pathways. Touch is known to lower stress and anxiety.

Kids will feel loved and secure when shown affection.  Children who feel consistently loved and valued develop stronger self-confidence, better social skills, and a deeper sense of security.

Stories Teach Better Than Lectures.

When I would read or tell stories, kids’ eyes were fixed on me. They were attentive. Sometimes they asked questions.

Stories teach what lectures cannot.

Kids grasp abstract truths (grace, sacrifice, courage) more easily through narrative than direct teaching. I’ve experienced this truth firsthand. When I lecture, the kids fidget and forget. When I tell a story, they are captivated and remember.

Princeton researchers found that the brains of storytellers and listeners mirror each other, making an emotion or concept feel deeply personal.

Stories can translate vague theories into tangible scenarios that are relatable to children. For example, rather than explaining how we should love our enemies, a story about a rat who befriends a mouse who despises him brings that idea to life.

My favorite family time with my daughters is story time. It’s a time to teach valuable lessons, but also to bond. We’d snuggle close as I read. Like many kids, they would want to read the same stories over and over even into their tweens.

Get Creative

Since we all learn differently, the lesson needs to be presented in a variety of ways. Some kids are visual, so you need to show them pictures or other concrete objects. Others are auditory learners, so speaking to them works well, but others learn better by reading or writing, so if they can read and write, let them. Some are kinesthetic (tactile). They need to touch. Crafts work well for the tactile learners.

I would often have the kids act out the lesson with me or do a puppet show. Kids loved being entertained and participating. This helps seal the lesson.

Games can also reinforce the lesson. Remember, playing is learning time. One example is to teach the concept of repentance; I would have the kids be near me and then run away. I would yell, “Repent,” and they would have to turn back toward me. Repentance is turning away from sin and turning toward God. This simple game taught and reinforced the lesson.

Repeat

I’d often teach the same concept three ways in one class — a story, a game, and a craft — and I could watch it click a little more each time.

Repetition reinforces learning. Kids won’t understand the first time, the second, or the third. As you repeat the lesson in creative ways, you are improving their chances of understanding. Repetition also helps memory. The more you hear, see, write, and feel what you need to know, the more you will be able to recall.

Enjoy

However you choose to teach, enjoy it. The kids will learn and engage in the lesson if you are enjoying the time. They can tell if you are frustrated, burnt out, or not sincere.

Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” There is value in what we teach our children that will last and pay dividends far into their adulthood. You may never know the impact you will have, but I guarantee, on the authority of Scripture, you will have an impact.

As a teacher or a parent, you are shaping the next generation and making an impact not only on the children but on our future world.

A Christian poem about sadness, loneliness, and hope in Jesus, written while facing a parent’s stage 4 cancer and another’s declining health.

Posted on by Bob Richley
Full moon over misty mountain valleys and a winding trail

I wrote “Melancholy Madness” in the middle of one of the hardest seasons of my life. My dad is facing stage 4 cancer, and the stress has taken a toll on my mother’s memory and health. (I shared more about my dad’s diagnosis in Facing Cancer With Faith.) This Christian poem about depression and loneliness came out of those dark days, when despair can feel lonely even when you’re surrounded by people who love you. But it doesn’t end in the mud and mire. It ends with hope in Jesus, who reaches down to us, and the promise that even while we wait, we are never alone.

Melancholy Madness

Melancholy madness
Sensual sadness
Down the depths of despair
Where no one else is there

From the end to the start
Cries the lonely heart
Surrounded by people
Under the holy steeple

From the depths of mud and mire
Comes the light of desire
Reaching down with nail-scarred hand
Delivering to the promised land

In despair I wait, but not alone,
For His Spirit makes my heart His home

My Bible Carrying Bear: A Childhood Poem of Faith and Comfort

Posted on by Bob Richley
Storybook bear carrying a cross-adorned book through a sunny forest

My Bible Carrying Bear

This heartfelt Bible carrying bear poem is a childhood poem about faith and a Christian children’s poem that explores childhood comfort, security, and finding lasting faith in Jesus Christ.

I was a baby still in need of a bib
when Daddy placed you in my crib.
I was learning to sleep through the night
when you took away all of my fright.

When I lost you, I would scream
When Daddy found you again I would beam.
Each day my love for you would grow fonder.
Into new unfamiliar realms we would wander.

When Mommy and Daddy were not near,
you were the one to take away my fear.
I needed someone soft to snuggle
when life felt like an unendurable struggle.

You were my solace and my security
as I would develop and grow into maturity.
Our bond remains unbroken even to this day
though I've put childish things away.

Now it is to the cross of Christ that I cling.
He is both my Savior and my king.
I learned of Him from the Bible on your chest.
I have found in Him my true security and rest.

Why Jesus Loves Childlike Hearts More Than Grown-Up Doubts

Posted on by Bob Richley
Seven children reading together on a quilt beneath a large oak tree

The Kingdom of God Belongs to Children

This heartfelt Christian poetry for families invites readers to pause and rediscover the beauty of childlike faith. Through a simple, memorable message, it reminds us that Jesus loves children and offers Bible lessons for kids of every age.

"Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
They are weak, but He is strong."

With joy the little children sing their song
Knowing that to Jesus they belong.
With the simple acceptance of this love
The child is secure in their Father above.

While across the hall the adults debated
Did man evolve or was he created?
Is there a sovereign God over all?
Is there an absolute moral law?

An insect crawls in front of a child's eyes.
Struck by joy and wonder the child sighs,
Knowing this moment was made for him
As he breathes the air and takes it all in.

While across the park the adults rush by
For more money and more to buy
Never stopping for joy to wonder
Ripping their hearts and souls asunder.

"Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
They are weak, but He is strong."

A child hurts himself coming down the slide.
Another child quickly runs to his side
Offering help and comfort anyway she can.
Thus, a new and lasting friendship began.

While across the street a homeless man
Holds a cup up in his dirty hand.
People quickly walk on by
Never looking him in the eye.

A child shares her most valued toys
With other needy girls and boys
Simply because she knows it's true
That it is a good and a kind thing to do.

While adults fight and battle in a war
Just so they can have a little more
Thinking that this is the right thing to do
To take from those who have a different view.

"Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
They are weak, but He is strong."

With joy the little children sing their song
Knowing that to Jesus they belong.
With the simple acceptance of this love
The child is secure in their Father above.

Adults debate and fail to understand
And so build their lives upon sinking sand
Of wealth, knowledge and power
And things that rust destroy and moths devour.

The child is secure, happy and content
Enjoying just living in the present
Offering simple thanks and praise
With no concerns for future days.

Adults forsake the knowledge of their youth
And live in denial of the simple truth
They ought to have learned long ago
That the innocent children still know

"Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
They are weak, but He is strong."

May this poem encourage families to nurture wonder, kindness, trust, and gratitude in everyday life. Its gentle reminder of childlike faith points us back to the enduring truth that Jesus loves children and welcomes them into a life shaped by love.

Word to “Jesus Loves Me” are by Anna B. Warner
The greatest truth we learned in our youth.
If only we would live in it like a child.

Disagreements, Differences, and Discussions: Navigating Conflict in a Cross-Cultural Marriage

Posted on by Bob Richley
Wedding rings, passport, and tropical flowers

I married a Filipino woman. She was 34, and I was 47. For those of you who struggle with math, that’s a 13-year age gap. We are from different cultures, different generations, and different genders. My wife’s primary language is not English. She speaks 3 languages fluently, though: Tagalog, Bisaya, and English. When you put two people together with that many differences, there are bound to be many disagreements, differences, and discussions (mild words for arguments).

We’ve had our share, and they’ve not always been pretty or easy to resolve. It has taken work, prayer, and time. Let me take you through our imperfect journey and maybe offer some insights that might be helpful in your marriage.

A Missed Flight

Our first tension began in between two of our marriages. Let me explain. We had 4 ceremonies: One in the Philippines, the legal one in Maui, one in Illinois for my family, and one in Colorado for my friends in the state where we reside.

After the wonderful, joyful wedding in the Philippines where we signed our marriage covenant before God, family, and friends, we were to fly to Maui for our legal marriage and honeymoon. We had to get married in the US legally because we did a fiancé visa to bring her to the States.

We missed our connecting flight in Korea to Maui. There wasn’t another flight until the next day, so we were going to miss our wedding. The airline crew graciously let us use their hotel room for free. I made the necessary calls to postpone the ceremony, and we spent our first night as a married couple with a major issue.

Handling Stress

I witnessed how my wife handled stress. She was calm, gracious, and supportive. I was amazed. An emotional breakdown was what I expected. I was feeling stressed, but she calmed me. We made the best of the circumstances. The room had a jacuzzi and a steam room. The hotel had plenty of dining options nearby.

What could have been a disastrous start to our marriage turned into a pre-honeymoon celebration. I was thankful.

What the Missed Flight Taught Me

What I learned was that calmness reigns supreme. My wife was calm. I was tense. Her calmness made all the difference.

I also learned we needed others. The crew’s graciousness saved the day. I didn’t have to find a place to stay frantically. We didn’t have to sleep in the airport.

Lastly, God is in complete control even in disasters. I believe he saw us through that adventure and worked all things for good (Romans 8:28 NIV).

Baby Number One

Nine months after we were married, our daughter Johanna was born. My wife had pre-eclampsia, which meant she had to have an emergency C-section. One of the first things I had bought my wife was a cell phone, but she didn’t always have it on or near her. The hospital tried to reach her, but couldn’t. They called me at work, and I rushed home, a bit panicked.

I’m not proud of it, but when I arrived home, I criticized her for not having her phone nearby. Stress was overwhelming me. I vented it, and it was wrong to do it. Thankfully, my wife didn’t respond with blame. We had a baby to deliver, and this was not a time to argue about availability.

Once again, my wife’s calmness eased my stress.

Cultural Differences

After the baby arrived, my wife wanted the baby to sleep with us. What? That’s right, a baby on our bed, in our private room. Well, this American, born and raised in American culture, did NOT want a baby sleeping with us. However, in the Philippine culture, this was normal and expected.

My wife explained the cultural norm, and I conceded. Since then, we’ve had many “sleepovers” where our two girls spend the night with us in our bed. They are now 10 and 12 and request these “sleepovers.” It has created a remarkable bond between our girls and us.

Finding Our Third Way

There’s the American way, the Filipino way, and now our family way following God’s way. We didn’t do things the Filipino way or the American way. We reached our family way. Johanna slept in our room but eventually moved into a crib, then into her own room, before she was two. Autumn-Marie, our second, slept near us (not on our crib or in our bed but in what I would call a safe extension to our bed). As they grew older, we’d invite them to sleep with us. In Filipino culture, children often sleep in the family bed through the early years. We had them sometimes, but not always.

Merging two cultures, two different ways of doing things, doesn’t mean one wins over the other. We had reached a third alternative.

Food is a Love Language

In the Philippine culture, food is a way to express love.  The Philippines is a very poor country, but parties always have more than enough food for everyone. This is so guests not only have enough to eat at the party, but enough for everyone to take some home.

I experienced this at our wedding in the Philippines. It was a good thing we ordered more food than the invited guests could eat, because more guests came than were invited.

Since then, every party has had more than enough food. At first, I felt uncomfortable with my wife bringing home food until I realized it was part of her culture.

Initially, our girls’ birthday parties were the Filipino way, but as they grew older, they became more American-style, especially since American friends were invited.

Diet

The real conflict over food happened when I decided to go on a diet. It was called the Whole 30 diet, where you give up anything potentially bad for 30 days, then add one thing back in at a time to see how poorly you react.

My wife did not react well to this plan, and I didn’t understand why; after all, I was attempting to eat healthy. It was at this time that I learned food is a love language. We attended a marriage conference. During the question-and-answer time, I asked about my diet. The pastor was familiar with Philippine culture and explained to me that food was a love language, and that my wife was expressing love to me by cooking. She didn’t know how to cook for my new diet. I understood, so I offered to help her cook and teach her recipes.

Lessons Learned

I need to understand my wife’s point of view and her culture. In this instance, I didn’t understand. I was set in MY way of doing things and didn’t have an ear for listening and understanding. I should know better. I’ve written a blog post on Conflict, Ownership, and Repair, citing another example where I got it wrong and showing that I should have known better.

Birthdays and Celebrations

In general, I don’t think most men like celebrations. I know I don’t. In contrast, I think most women do; at least my wife does.

This has been a constant source of tension. Some of the most hurtful times for my wife have been trying to celebrate my birthday. My wife wants to celebrate it. I don’t. My wife wants to give me gifts, but I prefer she not to give me any.

I’ve conceded to celebrating mostly for my kids’ sake, who want to celebrate, but my attitude hasn’t been good, and that is where the tension lies. My dad gave me the best advice on this. He told me not to deny someone’s attempt to show me love. When I don’t receive love, I’m hurting the giver.

I’m also an introvert, so parties are not my thing. At parties, I prefer to hide in a corner somewhere and not engage. I’ve had to force myself out of my introverted shell.

Because I don’t like parties, I don’t attend every party that we are invited to. This cost me dearly one time. I wrote about this failure in my blog, When My Wife Hurts.

What I’m Learning

I’m still learning. Birthdays may be the area where I have the most ground to cover. What I do know is that listening, prayer, and setting aside my own preferences are the path forward.

I’m learning to pray and listen to God, at least trying. My wife is still better at hearing God than I am, so I need to listen to her when God speaks through her.

The Bathroom

Once we were going to build a room in our basement, but my wife had a conversation with God in the middle of the night about building a bathroom instead. When she told me, I thought she was crazy. We had a contractor coming over to build a room that day, and I had all-day training.

I went on my morning bike ride and prayed. Even though I thought she was crazy, if she heard from God, I needed to talk to him.

I knew we needed the bedroom because my parents were going to visit that year and we had a new person with intellectual disability living in what was one of the girls’ rooms. The girls were consolidated into one room. My wife was concerned about conflict over bathroom use.

My Wife Was Right

Well, my wife was right. The contractor came when I had a break from the training and agreed to do the bathroom. It cost more, but was within our budget.

When my parents visited, we hadn’t yet signed a permanent care contract for the woman in that room, so she was still considered respite, not permanent. That meant the room was available during my parents’ stay. Once the contract was signed, the room became hers full-time. The bathroom my wife had heard about turned out to be the right call.

Moods

Women in general are more emotional than men. I think this is especially true for Filipino women and even more true for my wife. I knew my wife was emotional after meeting her in the Philippines. She cried when I left to return home.

It is obvious when my wife is in a bad mood. Sometimes the trigger is obvious: she’s tired, the house is a mess, the kids didn’t listen. Sometimes, it’s not so obvious. This can, and often does, become a source of conflict.

I find I must settle issues between my wife and my kids. I listen to my kids and my wife, then act as the negotiator or arbitrator.  When the kids have made a mess, and my wife is stressed, I need to get them to clean and help.

Don’t Always Have the Answer

When my wife is upset, I admit I don’t always know what to do.

Sometimes my wife needs an embrace, and sometimes she doesn’t. I’ve learned to tell the difference. Often, she needs me to do more chores and help her, so she doesn’t feel overwhelmed.

I know I need to pray because I don’t always have the answer. One particularly bad day, I could not think of what to do. My wife was clearly upset with me, and I didn’t know why. Eventually she told me, but it didn’t help. I didn’t know what to do to improve the situation, so I prayed. God gave me the answer. I needed to go for a walk with my wife. I offered, she accepted, and she felt much better. Thank God.

I’m still learning about my wife, and the more I learn, the more I love her.

Anger

When I was single, I didn’t think I had an issue with anger. Marriage and fatherhood revealed otherwise. Selfishness, I’ve come to realize, is usually the root. When I was single, I could go where I wanted, leave when I wanted, and do what I wanted. Now, I have others to consider. I grow impatient as my family prepares to leave. We get into arguments about what to do and where to go.

I wrote a whole blog on What I Learned About Anger when I handled it poorly, and another on handling anger. I’m still learning.

I’ve learned that I need to listen with understanding. I’ve said that in a few blogs. Listening is not just hearing the words; it is understanding the feelings and meaning behind the words.

Prayer has become my anchor here. The ask is often the same: make me “slow to anger and abounding in mercy.” (Psalm 103:8 NASB) Help me to be “quick to listen and slow to speak.”(James 1:19 NASB)

Managing Disagreements, Differences and Discussions.

I don’t have all the answers. I am a work in progress, as we all are, but here are a few things I know and have learned.

We often have disagreements, differences, and angry discussions because we are selfish. We want what we want when we want it.

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet, but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. (James 4:1-3NIV)

We need to examine ourselves and our motives. Are we arguing because we are selfish and not paying attention to what the other person wants?

We should “Not (be) looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Philippians 2:4 NIV). We need to consider not what we want, but what others want, need, or desire.

This requires listening. How can we know what others want if we don’t listen to them to hear their desires, their point of view, and their needs?

When we mess up, we need to apologize. I get it wrong probably more times than I get it right. When I get it wrong, the one thing that will help make it better is to say, “I was wrong, and I’m sorry.” It’s not to say, “I was wrong, but here’s my side again.” It’s not “I was wrong, but let me explain why I did or said what I did.”

Don’t Let the Enemy Win

We have a real enemy that wants nothing more than to see our marriage fail, and conflict is one of his best tools. When we let our differences get the best of us, we give the enemy a victory.

God instructs us through James to “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” (James 4:7 NIV)

So when fights happen, and we struggle to be the one who wins the battle, the only way we can fight fair is to submit ourselves to God. He will work in us and give us the power to change. He is conforming us to the image of Christ (Romans 8:29 NIV).

Let God into your conflict, and you both will win, and the devil will lose.

What I Wish Someone Had Told Me When I Was Single

Posted on by Bob Richley
Eight men studying open books around a table with coffee mugs

When I was single, I’d hear messages on marriage and family and sigh. Not another one. I went to Promise Keepers events and heard messages on loving your wife and raising kids, and I’d sigh again. When will they speak to a single man? Now I’m married, and here I am writing about marriage and family. So before I do that again, I want to speak directly to the single man — because I was one for 47 years, and during that time, I longed to hear messages addressed to me.

I met my wife at 46. Before that, I felt lonely. I felt unworthy of a woman. I was sinning sexually and sometimes wondered if God was punishing me. He was shaping me into the man I need to be. He was lovingly disciplining me, and he hasn’t stopped now that I’m married. In fact, he has a great tool at his disposal, namely my wife.

As a single man, he used friends, parents, accountability partners, and ministry leaders to train, teach, and prepare me for the future God had planned for me.

Honest About the Struggle

I admit I wasn’t very patient with God when it came to finding a wife. I got angry at some of the messages I heard on sex. “If you wait until you’re married, you’ll have great sex.” Much good that did me. It didn’t help me wait. It angered me. I also heard that sex was a great stress reliever. As a single man in his thirties, I found that message more frustrating than helpful.

I did things I wasn’t proud of while I was single. I remained celibate — but I wasn’t pure because I battled lust, and I needed help. Joining recovery groups was one of the most important decisions I made. These were men fighting the same battles. They lifted me when I fell and reminded me I was forgiven and loved.

I never got drunk or used drugs. I didn’t pressure the women I dated or cross lines with them. My father taught me to treat women with respect, and he modeled it. But lust was my battle, and pretending otherwise helped no one.

Satan knows our weakness as men. He puts it in front of us relentlessly, no matter how hard we try to avoid it. And when we fall, the temptation is to isolate ourselves, especially when shame is involved. Don’t. Get brothers around you. Paul had Silas and Timothy. Moses had Aaron and Joshua. You need men who will tell you the truth, listen to you, and stay anyway.

My accountability partners loved me and accepted me in my fallenness. They lifted me out of the mud and mire of shame. We helped each other. If they fell or were tempted, I was there for them as they were there for me.

Be Involved

Kids have always had my heart. One of the hardest parts of being single was carrying a passion for children with none of my own — so I did something about it. I surrounded myself with kids.  For over a decade, I volunteered in a ministry serving kids from broken families, filling that gap. I spent time playing with single moms’ children, spending time with nieces and nephews, becoming a father figure to kids who needed one. That work mattered to them, and it mattered to me.

Widows got some of that time too. Being single meant having margin to give, and the “Widow’s Parties” became a tradition. I invited single male friends with one rule: bring a widow as your date. We had a blast playing games, eating meals, and attending concerts. Those women felt seen, and honestly, so did we.

Spend Time With God and Others

One of the luxuries I had as a single was time. I was busy, but by choice. I had no kids’ practices to drive to and no homework to help with. My time was my own.

The best thing I did with it was get quiet with God. I rented rooms in a convent a few times for personal retreats — reading Scripture and Christian books, journaling, and praying. There was a park nearby with a sidewalk around a lake. I’d walk it for hours, praying, and sitting on a bench to read and write. Those were some of the richest stretches of my life and drew me close to God.

When I lived near Chicago, I attended church singles groups where I met other singles and had Bible lessons and discussions. We also had many fun outings. And it wasn’t just singles groups. I was part of small groups of mixed couples and singles. I had a group of married friends with children whom I spent much of my time with. We’d gather after church for a meal, impromptu Bible discussions, and general fellowship. We also had picnics together, and I watched one family’s boys go-kart race. It was Koinonia (loosely translated to fellowship, communion, or shared life). It was more than just talking. We did life together.

When I moved to Colorado, one of my favorite things to do was running, biking, or hiking the mountain trails. This was my personal time with God. I would pray, read psalms of praise, and spend time knowing God through His creation.

Accountability and fellowship didn’t stop when I moved. I made new friends, joined new groups, and remained accountable.

Singleness Is Not a Disease

When I was single, I was constantly bombarded with questions and reactions wondering why I was still single, as if I had some disease whose only cure was marriage. It was frustrating.

If you want to be married and you’re not, I’m not going to tell you it’s easy. It isn’t. I won’t pretend there’s some secret formula for contentment, because I never found one. I was content at times. Not always. One thing I learned from Focus on the Family was not to focus on what you don’t have. Adam and Eve had a whole garden of fruit-bearing trees. What did they do? They focused on the one tree they couldn’t have. When we focus on what we don’t have, we are miserable. Paul reminds us always to be thankful (1 Thessalonians 5:18). When we are thankful for what we have and who we are, we are more content.

What I did find while single was fulfillment — in friendships, in serving kids and families, in my relationship with God. It was never a straight line. I fell. I got hurt. There were highs and lows. And I’ll tell you honestly: now that I’m married, it’s the same. The journey is still hard. Life is still a rough road — but with real joys along the way.

Paul said he learned to be content in whatever state he was in (Philippians 4:11). Learned. It wasn’t automatic for him either. It won’t be for you. But it is possible — and you don’t have to wait until you’re married to start.

How Love Broke What Willpower Couldn’t

Posted on by Bob Richley
Broken chain glowing with sparks above a sunlit mountain valley

Sin is addicting. I know that firsthand. I’ve been trapped in the cycle of shame, seeking temporary pleasure. Sin offers temporary pleasure and immediate gratification. I know. It feels wonderful in the moment. But after the moment, shame attacks. You feel the regret. You feel worthless and powerless. I know I’ve been there.

Psalm 51 was often my prayer after falling into sin AGAIN.

“Have mercy on me,[a] O God,
   according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
   blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
   and cleanse me from my sin!

3 For I know my transgressions,
   and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
   and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
   and blameless in your judgment.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
   and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
   and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
   wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
   let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins,
   and blot out all my iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
   and renew a right[b] spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence,
   and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
   and uphold me with a willing spirit.”

How I longed for and prayed for a clean heart. I wanted joy, but what I felt was shame and regret.

I praise God that I’ve been walking in freedom from that besetting sin for more than 13 years.

The Problem

The problem was that I lost my true identity. I saw myself based on my performance. When I was in high school, I excelled at running and was an A student, so my identity became a runner and a scholar. When I began working, I excelled at solving problems. My identity became a problem solver.

On the other side, I failed to meet women and find a lifelong partner. I felt rejected time and time again. My identity became the rejected single who women didn’t find attractive. I fell into the trap of lust. I was angry with God and sought temporary pleasure from the illusion of a woman being interested in me. That began the downward cycle of shame. My shame became my identity. “I’m not good enough for a woman to love me.”

Beginning to Break the Cycle

The only thing that breaks the cycle is not willpower. It is not discipline. It is love. In my early thirties, I joined accountability groups. I was in groups that specifically dealt with addiction; some were specific to my struggles with lust, some were more general like Celebrate Recovery.

My accountability partners loved me. They accepted me for who I am and reminded me that I am still loved by God. I would call when I fell, and they would pick me up, assuring me I was forgiven and loved.

Finding Love

My past didn’t keep me from getting married. At forty-six, God surprised me (It took long enough). I had given up on finding a wife. I still had the lingering feeling that I never would. Also, I didn’t want to raise teenagers in my sixties.

As a single person, I was living a fulfilling and meaningful life. During those years, I mentored a teenager through Big Brothers Big Sisters and spent time teaching little children in programs for kids of divorce and struggling marriages, as well as in Sunday School. Though I didn’t have kids of my own, I became a father figure to many of them and poured my heart into those relationships. I also had nieces and nephews whom I dearly loved.

God Moved

But then… God interrupted my life unexpectedly. I received an email from a beautiful woman in the Philippines, and my life changed forever.

I was not an active member on this Filipino dating site, but I did have a profile because a friend of mine, over a decade earlier, had said that Asian women make good wives. Encouraged by this, I put a profile on the site but left it alone.

When I received the email, I checked out her profile and realized she was a genuine believer and incredibly beautiful. I paid for a membership so we could communicate freely. On our first chat, I prayed with her. I wanted God to lead the relationship wherever He would take it. I had given up. My efforts never succeeded, so I gave it to God. When I prayed, she was impressed.

You can read more of the story in my blog “When Your Past Doesn’t Define You.”

I did not earn my wife-to-be’s favor. I let God. He gave her a love for me that I didn’t earn. Every other woman, I tried to earn her love and failed. God showed me His unmeritorious love through her, but He didn’t do it until I was ready.

All For Good

God works all things together for good (Romans 8:28). The shame cycle, the recovery groups, the long years of waiting — none of it was wasted. God was teaching me patience, humility, and the kind of love that serves rather than demands. I couldn’t have been the husband my wife needed if I hadn’t walked through all of it.

God redeems the past. Jesus not only died on the cross so that our sins could be forgiven. He died to redeem us. He redeemed our past and made us new. We are being conformed to his image. Romans 8:29

The beauty of this truth lies in its freedom. Our past, with all its triumphs and failures, serves as a teacher rather than a jailer. When we embrace faith in Christ’s redemption, we find that guilt and regret lose their hold on us.

Embracing My Identity

My identity is a beloved child of God. I am made in the image of God. I am his beloved son in whom he is well pleased. That is my identity. I don’t have to strive for acceptance; I am accepted. I don’t have to wallow in shame and regret. Jesus took my shame away when he bore my shame on the cross.

It is as if I’ve never sinned and as if I always obeyed. That is not easy to believe. I have to remind myself that God is pleased with me. He’s not disappointed. He hasn’t rejected me. God accepts me.

In our merit-based world, the truth that I am loved without earning it is almost impossibly hard to accept. But it is my true identity. And it is the only one that doesn’t come undone when the accolades stop and the roles fall away.

I’ll say it again for all of us: We are made in the image of God. We are his beloved sons and daughters. That is our true identity.

That is the identity we all need. Not the identity formed by our performance, our failures, or our father’s voice — but the one that was given to us before any of that happened. We are beloved children of God, princes and daughters of the King, created in his image, bought by his Son, being made new.

God is Not Done

I’ve not arrived. I’m not perfect, far from it. I failed recently, not from lust, but anger. God has been working on my anger since I was married. You can read about this weekend in my post “What I Learned About Anger When God Exposed My Heart.” The beauty is I saw God working. Even though I failed, shame didn’t have a grip on me.

We are all a work in progress. I take comfort in the fact that God has redeemed my past and is shaping my future. I’m walking in freedom from one particularly difficult sin, but God is still at work. Like Paul said, “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:14