When the Answers Don’t Come: What God Is Teaching Me Through My Dad’s Cancer

Weathered hands cupping a small lit candle in darkness

What is God trying to teach me in the midst of my struggles? We often ask for deliverance from our struggles, and I have. My dad has stage 4 cancer. He had cancer over 30 years ago, and it’s back. I’ve prayed for healing. I asked God to heal him before he underwent chemo. God didn’t. My dad is currently having chemo treatments. I haven’t stopped praying for healing.

Someone challenged me with the question What is God trying to teach me? That question made me think. I know God works all things together for good (Romans 8:28), and I know he’s conforming me to the image of Christ (Romans 8:29). I believe he’s using cancer for my good and to conform me to the image of his son, but how?

Anger

I know since the diagnosis, I’ve had a hard time with anger. I find it harder to control. While I haven’t exploded at anyone, I find it hard not to.

I wrote extensively about a time recently when I handled anger poorly. I believe God is working on my anger through this cancer. He’s certainly exposing it and having me rely more and more on him rather than on my own effort.

I often pray, asking God to make me “slow to anger and abounding in mercy” (Psalm 103:8 NASB) and to help me be “quick to listen and slow to speak” (James 1:19 NASB).

Faith

One lesson certainly is faith. Even though I’m not getting the answers to prayers that I want, I’m still trusting God and that He has my best interests at heart, even when I see things seemingly getting worse. It’s not easy to trust and have faith when I see decline.

My mother doesn’t remember things I’ve told her many times. She doesn’t get dressed and get out of the house often. This is hard. She is clearly declining and is not handling the stress well.

It’s not easy to have faith when I see how much has changed.

My dad is in pain every day. The man with whom I used to climb mountains and run 10-mile races has trouble walking from the car to the gym in the parking lot.

I have faith, but what I feel is despair.

Now one of my regular prayers is “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” Psalm 42:5.

Praise is helpful. When I read one of the psalms of praise as a prayer, it helps. It restores my joy and hope.

Hope

Even when things look grim, I still have hope. I believe “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

I’m reminded of the lyrics to the song Even If by Mercy Me. I pray to God that he will heal my dad and mom, and I hope he does, but as the song says:

“I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone”

Love

It’s easy to love when things are going well, when life is blessed, and when others love you in return. When facing aging parents’ decline in health and feeling angry, it’s hard to love, but love I must.

When I feel anger and sadness, love doesn’t come naturally, but it will come supernaturally. God is Love (1 John 4:8). He is the source of love. The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). So, love is not up to me and my strength. Love comes from God, who is love.

When I can’t love, God does. I see him helping me love my wife when I want to explode. I see him help me love my children when I’m out of my own patience. I do fail, but God picks me up and helps me apologize and love better.

Joy and Peace

I’m not happy; I’m sad. Joy is not a feeling. It’s a profound sense of peace and trust. I have peace. Even if my parents should leave this earth, I know I will see them again. I trust God is working things out for good, even if I can’t see it. I have joy and peace even when I feel sadness and anger.

God is Working

I don’t pretend to know all God is doing in the midst of this. I don’t know all he is trying to teach me. I do know and trust that he is working and teaching me. I’ll come out of this better, stronger, and more mature.

I don’t fully know what he’s teaching me. You may be wondering the same thing, but together we can trust that he’s teaching you something, too.

Not Her Way, Not My Way: How God Leads a Cross-Cultural Marriage

Family gathered on the porch of a mountain home with tropical gardens

What should you do if your wife wants your newborn to sleep in the same bed as you, but you disagree? My wife and I faced this question with our first child. She is from the Philippines, where it is common for babies and young children to sleep with their parents.

My wife and I come from different cultures, generations, and socioeconomic backgrounds. We have a 13-year age gap. The Philippines is a poor country, and my wife grew up with very little.

My wife and I are very different, but these differences can make our marriage stronger if we let them. We can argue to get our own way, or we can choose to listen, pray, and try to do things the way God wants. We depend on each other’s strengths.

Our Differences

Sharing Our Home

When we married, I assumed I’d be the breadwinner. I had a good-paying job, and my wife was moving to America with a nursing degree, but no ambition to be a nurse. With a 13-year age gap, I had been working for a much longer time and had received significant pay raises, making my income sufficient for a family.

Some of her friends were taking care of people with intellectual disabilities. These people lived in her friend’s home, and we would see them at parties. My wife’s friends spoke to her about their job, and she liked what she heard.

When my wife approached me with the idea, I was initially very against it. I had friends who raised kids with intellectual disabilities. My sister’s youngest daughter had an intellectual disability. So I was somewhat familiar with the difficulty of caring for a person who needed special attention.

I admit, I also had pride. I was proud that I could provide for my family. We also helped my wife’s family in the Philippines. This was where the problem was for my wife. She wanted to do more for her family. She always has. When she won a singing contest, she gave the prize money to her family. When she worked in Japan, she used the money she earned to build a house for her parents.

Softened Heart

I could not deny my wife’s heart. We prayed, and I conceded to having one and only one. We consolidated our girls into one bedroom and eventually built a room in the basement, followed later by a bathroom and another bedroom, which is another story.

Phillipians 2:5 says: “Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself taking the form of a bond-servant. And being made in the likeness of men, and being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.”

I needed humbling to allow my wife to earn money in this way. In doing so we were able to afford Disney World and trips to the Philippines. She was able to build homes for her family and start businesses for them. The blessings have been undeniable.

Budgeting

Since my wife grew up with very little, she learned to live hand to mouth. She is very frugal and prefers to buy ‘new’ clothes from thrift stores or online at a low price. This is one of her strengths.

However, she did not know much about saving, investing, interest, or budgeting. When our church offered a Financial Freedom course by Dave Ramsey, I signed us up because I thought it would help her. I am very glad we took that course.

Since then, we have stuck to a budget. We use cash envelopes and keep several savings accounts for things like travel and Christmas. Every month, we plan our budget together and agree on our spending in advance. We also have an emergency fund for things like broken appliances.

Finding Common Ground

It’s not that we always agreed on spending money. We’ve had our conflicts. One example was buying a car. We disagreed on timing. We had one car that worked well. The problem was we kept adding to our household.  We started with one person with intellectual disabilities living in our home, but eventually added more, which took a major softening of my heart each time.  As we did, so too did our need for a larger vehicle arise. I wanted to wait, but my wife didn’t. We prayed and eventually agreed to get a car in the much nearer future than I wanted.

I insisted on paying cash, but my wife wasn’t so sure. Eventually, we agreed to pay cash because this was in line with the budgeting plan we were following.  We needed at least a 7-seater, and I wanted it to be a Hybrid. This narrowed our search considerably. We found an older car in rough shape that we could afford and immediately put money into it. That car lasted many years and cost many repairs.

Proverbs 21:5 says: “The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty.” We made a plan and stuck with it. Because of this, we are debt-free. We paid off our house early, and I was able to retire at 60.

Keeping House

My wife makes it her job to beautify the house. I like things arranged by function. She prefers arranging things for appearance. This has caused some minor disagreements. Most of the time I concede, because she does make the house look beautiful and comfortable. She has a decorator’s eye. When she decorates for Christmas, I’m amazed. Simple things like making the bed, she does so much better than I.

This also creates a point of stress for my wife. When the house is a mess, when the kids leave things lying around, and she’s not in a good mood, we all need to watch out. She can be very upset. This is not a time to fight. This is a time she needs support. I need to get the kids to pick up messes and help clean the house.

I, too, am more relaxed when everything is arranged in the house. Neatness and organization have a way of reducing stress for us all.

Raising Kids

Respecting elders is a foundational value in Filipino families. From a young age, children learn to address anyone older than them as Ate (older sister) or Kuya (older brother) as a meaningful sign of respect.

Alongside this deep respect, discipline plays a significant role in child-rearing. Traditional methods, such as corporal punishment, are very common for correcting misbehavior in the Philippines. When I was growing up, my parents used a mix of approaches; they sometimes spanked, but most of the time, they relied on a form of “time-out” where I would stand in the corner to reflect on what happened.

There is a common joke I’ve heard concerning the Filipinos and yelling. “I’m not yelling, I’m a Filipino,” meaning what you hear as yelling is how I normally speak. I speak gently to our kids. My wife speaks in the Filipino loud voice that most Americans would consider yelling. Our children certainly consider it yelling.

Merging Cultures

Merging these two cultures for raising children has been a challenge. We often pray about raising our kids and generally reach a middle-ground agreement. My wife expects me to support her and knows that the kids listen to me more.

We don’t spank our kids; however, when they were very young, this happened a few times, reluctantly and not often. We mostly resorted to taking away toys or privileges.

Our kids are well-behaved but not as respectful as Filipino children. They do obey us and even confess wrongdoing they think we were unaware of. We do receive many compliments on how well-behaved our daughters are. We know they are not perfect, but we are happy they are learning, growing, and becoming wonderful women of God.

Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” We as parents are responsible to train and teach our children. As parents we try to be unified in our approach. We are not perfect and have made mistakes, but we do our best with God’s help.

Which Church

One of the most important decisions we make as a family is where we worship. This is more than where we hear a message on a Sunday. This is where our family volunteers, who teach our children and become part of our family community.

When our kids were little, one of the most important things to both of us was which church was best for our kids. We shopped around and eventually agreed on a church that our kids liked. I got involved in a men’s group and taught Sunday school. My wife joined the worship team.

The next choice was not as easy. My wife had a communication issue with the worship team, and she dropped out. At the time, there was only one service, and since I was teaching Sunday school, I missed many services.

Looking again

My wife started looking. She started attending other churches while I continued teaching Sunday school and attending the same church. We prayed, and I realized that we were missing koinonia (fellowship, communion, doing life together). We had people we knew but really only one couple who were our friends. We had shallow relationships otherwise. This got me on board with finding a church. We needed something different and something more.

God worked on my heart in a way that surprised me. One of the churches my wife visited was more charismatic in style. This felt like home to my wife, who attended a similar church in the Philippines. I was initially against it and very uncomfortable. It was too “emotional” for me.

Changing my Mind

But… then I read The Awe of God by John Bevere. The book talked about the holy fear of God being reverence for God. It talked about intimacy with God and hearing God in a way that I never experienced. Bevere also spoke about speaking in tongues in a way I understood and found to make sense. This opened my heart to the possibility of a charismatic church.

After spending a weekend just my wife and I in prayer (the girls were away at camp), we decided this church would be our home church. That Saturday night we attended church and were invited out to dinner. It was confirmation that we could find koinonia here.

Hebrews 10:25 states: “Not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching“ (NIV). We believe in meeting with fellow believers, serving in our local church and fellowshiping with other saints. Koinonia is how we are encouraged and how we encourage one another. We do life together.

Sleeping Arrangements

When our first daughter was born, she initially did sleep in our bed, much to my initial objection. My wife was insistent upon the benefits from her culture. It was one of the many times my wife turned out to be right and I wrong. I conceded because I do enjoy snuggling with a baby and I could see the benefits of the arrangement.

We eventually moved our daughter to a crib, which was more the American way. If we had been in the Philippines following the Philippine way, she would have stayed in our bed much longer.

The next child was in our room near our bed but not in it. As our kids grew, we allowed them “sleepovers” where they would join us. This proved to be a bonding time with our daughters. They are ten and twelve now and still request sleepovers.

It wasn’t the Filipino way or the American way. Looking back, that was true of more than just how our daughters slept.

The Common Factor

In all these decisions, we were aiming not for my wife’s way, not my way, but for God’s way. We weren’t perfect in our decisions or even in the process, but we were committed as a couple to listening to and obeying God.

1 Corinthians 2:16 says: “For who has known the mind of the Lord, so as to instruct him? But we have the mind of Christ.” (ESV) This is our aim in our marriage: to have the mind of Christ, to think as he does and do God’s will.

The Bible talks about the ‘helpmate’ (ezer kenegdo (עֵזֶר כְּנֶגְדּוֹ) in marriage in Genesis 2. Ezer means helper or rescuer. Kenegdo means corresponding to, standing opposite, or being an equal counterpart. In other words, we are different but together complete.  Further in Genesis 2, it says, ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife in such a way that the two become one.’ Becoming one like the Father, Son and Spirit are one is the goal. They are different and distinct, yet one (one mind and one purpose). To become one, we both need to listen to God and obey him.

Disagreements, Differences, and Discussions: Navigating Conflict in a Cross-Cultural Marriage

Wedding rings, passport, and tropical flowers

I married a Filipino woman. She was 34, and I was 47. For those of you who struggle with math, that’s a 13-year age gap. We are from different cultures, different generations, and different genders. My wife’s primary language is not English. She speaks 3 languages fluently, though: Tagalog, Bisaya, and English. When you put two people together with that many differences, there are bound to be many disagreements, differences, and discussions (mild words for arguments).

We’ve had our share, and they’ve not always been pretty or easy to resolve. It has taken work, prayer, and time. Let me take you through our imperfect journey and maybe offer some insights that might be helpful in your marriage.

A Missed Flight

Our first tension began in between two of our marriages. Let me explain. We had 4 ceremonies: One in the Philippines, the legal one in Maui, one in Illinois for my family, and one in Colorado for my friends in the state where we reside.

After the wonderful, joyful wedding in the Philippines where we signed our marriage covenant before God, family, and friends, we were to fly to Maui for our legal marriage and honeymoon. We had to get married in the US legally because we did a fiancé visa to bring her to the States.

We missed our connecting flight in Korea to Maui. There wasn’t another flight until the next day, so we were going to miss our wedding. The airline crew graciously let us use their hotel room for free. I made the necessary calls to postpone the ceremony, and we spent our first night as a married couple with a major issue.

Handling Stress

I witnessed how my wife handled stress. She was calm, gracious, and supportive. I was amazed. An emotional breakdown was what I expected. I was feeling stressed, but she calmed me. We made the best of the circumstances. The room had a jacuzzi and a steam room. The hotel had plenty of dining options nearby.

What could have been a disastrous start to our marriage turned into a pre-honeymoon celebration. I was thankful.

What the Missed Flight Taught Me

What I learned was that calmness reigns supreme. My wife was calm. I was tense. Her calmness made all the difference.

I also learned we needed others. The crew’s graciousness saved the day. I didn’t have to find a place to stay frantically. We didn’t have to sleep in the airport.

Lastly, God is in complete control even in disasters. I believe he saw us through that adventure and worked all things for good (Romans 8:28 NIV).

Baby Number One

Nine months after we were married, our daughter Johanna was born. My wife had pre-eclampsia, which meant she had to have an emergency C-section. One of the first things I had bought my wife was a cell phone, but she didn’t always have it on or near her. The hospital tried to reach her, but couldn’t. They called me at work, and I rushed home, a bit panicked.

I’m not proud of it, but when I arrived home, I criticized her for not having her phone nearby. Stress was overwhelming me. I vented it, and it was wrong to do it. Thankfully, my wife didn’t respond with blame. We had a baby to deliver, and this was not a time to argue about availability.

Once again, my wife’s calmness eased my stress.

Cultural Differences

After the baby arrived, my wife wanted the baby to sleep with us. What? That’s right, a baby on our bed, in our private room. Well, this American, born and raised in American culture, did NOT want a baby sleeping with us. However, in the Philippine culture, this was normal and expected.

My wife explained the cultural norm, and I conceded. Since then, we’ve had many “sleepovers” where our two girls spend the night with us in our bed. They are now 10 and 12 and request these “sleepovers.” It has created a remarkable bond between our girls and us.

Finding Our Third Way

There’s the American way, the Filipino way, and now our family way following God’s way. We didn’t do things the Filipino way or the American way. We reached our family way. Johanna slept in our room but eventually moved into a crib, then into her own room, before she was two. Autumn-Marie, our second, slept near us (not on our crib or in our bed but in what I would call a safe extension to our bed). As they grew older, we’d invite them to sleep with us. In Filipino culture, children often sleep in the family bed through the early years. We had them sometimes, but not always.

Merging two cultures, two different ways of doing things, doesn’t mean one wins over the other. We had reached a third alternative.

Food is a Love Language

In the Philippine culture, food is a way to express love.  The Philippines is a very poor country, but parties always have more than enough food for everyone. This is so guests not only have enough to eat at the party, but enough for everyone to take some home.

I experienced this at our wedding in the Philippines. It was a good thing we ordered more food than the invited guests could eat, because more guests came than were invited.

Since then, every party has had more than enough food. At first, I felt uncomfortable with my wife bringing home food until I realized it was part of her culture.

Initially, our girls’ birthday parties were the Filipino way, but as they grew older, they became more American-style, especially since American friends were invited.

Diet

The real conflict over food happened when I decided to go on a diet. It was called the Whole 30 diet, where you give up anything potentially bad for 30 days, then add one thing back in at a time to see how poorly you react.

My wife did not react well to this plan, and I didn’t understand why; after all, I was attempting to eat healthy. It was at this time that I learned food is a love language. We attended a marriage conference. During the question-and-answer time, I asked about my diet. The pastor was familiar with Philippine culture and explained to me that food was a love language, and that my wife was expressing love to me by cooking. She didn’t know how to cook for my new diet. I understood, so I offered to help her cook and teach her recipes.

Lessons Learned

I need to understand my wife’s point of view and her culture. In this instance, I didn’t understand. I was set in MY way of doing things and didn’t have an ear for listening and understanding. I should know better. I’ve written a blog post on Conflict, Ownership, and Repair, citing another example where I got it wrong and showing that I should have known better.

Birthdays and Celebrations

In general, I don’t think most men like celebrations. I know I don’t. In contrast, I think most women do; at least my wife does.

This has been a constant source of tension. Some of the most hurtful times for my wife have been trying to celebrate my birthday. My wife wants to celebrate it. I don’t. My wife wants to give me gifts, but I prefer she not to give me any.

I’ve conceded to celebrating mostly for my kids’ sake, who want to celebrate, but my attitude hasn’t been good, and that is where the tension lies. My dad gave me the best advice on this. He told me not to deny someone’s attempt to show me love. When I don’t receive love, I’m hurting the giver.

I’m also an introvert, so parties are not my thing. At parties, I prefer to hide in a corner somewhere and not engage. I’ve had to force myself out of my introverted shell.

Because I don’t like parties, I don’t attend every party that we are invited to. This cost me dearly one time. I wrote about this failure in my blog, When My Wife Hurts.

What I’m Learning

I’m still learning. Birthdays may be the area where I have the most ground to cover. What I do know is that listening, prayer, and setting aside my own preferences are the path forward.

I’m learning to pray and listen to God, at least trying. My wife is still better at hearing God than I am, so I need to listen to her when God speaks through her.

The Bathroom

Once we were going to build a room in our basement, but my wife had a conversation with God in the middle of the night about building a bathroom instead. When she told me, I thought she was crazy. We had a contractor coming over to build a room that day, and I had all-day training.

I went on my morning bike ride and prayed. Even though I thought she was crazy, if she heard from God, I needed to talk to him.

I knew we needed the bedroom because my parents were going to visit that year and we had a new person with intellectual disability living in what was one of the girls’ rooms. The girls were consolidated into one room. My wife was concerned about conflict over bathroom use.

My Wife Was Right

Well, my wife was right. The contractor came when I had a break from the training and agreed to do the bathroom. It cost more, but was within our budget.

When my parents visited, we hadn’t yet signed a permanent care contract for the woman in that room, so she was still considered respite, not permanent. That meant the room was available during my parents’ stay. Once the contract was signed, the room became hers full-time. The bathroom my wife had heard about turned out to be the right call.

Moods

Women in general are more emotional than men. I think this is especially true for Filipino women and even more true for my wife. I knew my wife was emotional after meeting her in the Philippines. She cried when I left to return home.

It is obvious when my wife is in a bad mood. Sometimes the trigger is obvious: she’s tired, the house is a mess, the kids didn’t listen. Sometimes, it’s not so obvious. This can, and often does, become a source of conflict.

I find I must settle issues between my wife and my kids. I listen to my kids and my wife, then act as the negotiator or arbitrator.  When the kids have made a mess, and my wife is stressed, I need to get them to clean and help.

Don’t Always Have the Answer

When my wife is upset, I admit I don’t always know what to do.

Sometimes my wife needs an embrace, and sometimes she doesn’t. I’ve learned to tell the difference. Often, she needs me to do more chores and help her, so she doesn’t feel overwhelmed.

I know I need to pray because I don’t always have the answer. One particularly bad day, I could not think of what to do. My wife was clearly upset with me, and I didn’t know why. Eventually she told me, but it didn’t help. I didn’t know what to do to improve the situation, so I prayed. God gave me the answer. I needed to go for a walk with my wife. I offered, she accepted, and she felt much better. Thank God.

I’m still learning about my wife, and the more I learn, the more I love her.

Anger

When I was single, I didn’t think I had an issue with anger. Marriage and fatherhood revealed otherwise. Selfishness, I’ve come to realize, is usually the root. When I was single, I could go where I wanted, leave when I wanted, and do what I wanted. Now, I have others to consider. I grow impatient as my family prepares to leave. We get into arguments about what to do and where to go.

I wrote a whole blog on What I Learned About Anger when I handled it poorly, and another on handling anger. I’m still learning.

I’ve learned that I need to listen with understanding. I’ve said that in a few blogs. Listening is not just hearing the words; it is understanding the feelings and meaning behind the words.

Prayer has become my anchor here. The ask is often the same: make me “slow to anger and abounding in mercy.” (Psalm 103:8 NASB) Help me to be “quick to listen and slow to speak.”(James 1:19 NASB)

Managing Disagreements, Differences and Discussions.

I don’t have all the answers. I am a work in progress, as we all are, but here are a few things I know and have learned.

We often have disagreements, differences, and angry discussions because we are selfish. We want what we want when we want it.

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet, but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. (James 4:1-3NIV)

We need to examine ourselves and our motives. Are we arguing because we are selfish and not paying attention to what the other person wants?

We should “Not (be) looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Philippians 2:4 NIV). We need to consider not what we want, but what others want, need, or desire.

This requires listening. How can we know what others want if we don’t listen to them to hear their desires, their point of view, and their needs?

When we mess up, we need to apologize. I get it wrong probably more times than I get it right. When I get it wrong, the one thing that will help make it better is to say, “I was wrong, and I’m sorry.” It’s not to say, “I was wrong, but here’s my side again.” It’s not “I was wrong, but let me explain why I did or said what I did.”

Don’t Let the Enemy Win

We have a real enemy that wants nothing more than to see our marriage fail, and conflict is one of his best tools. When we let our differences get the best of us, we give the enemy a victory.

God instructs us through James to “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” (James 4:7 NIV)

So when fights happen, and we struggle to be the one who wins the battle, the only way we can fight fair is to submit ourselves to God. He will work in us and give us the power to change. He is conforming us to the image of Christ (Romans 8:29 NIV).

Let God into your conflict, and you both will win, and the devil will lose.

How Love Broke What Willpower Couldn’t

Broken chain glowing with sparks above a sunlit mountain valley

Sin is addicting. I know that firsthand. I’ve been trapped in the cycle of shame, seeking temporary pleasure. Sin offers temporary pleasure and immediate gratification. I know. It feels wonderful in the moment. But after the moment, shame attacks. You feel the regret. You feel worthless and powerless. I know I’ve been there.

Psalm 51 was often my prayer after falling into sin AGAIN.

“Have mercy on me,[a] O God,
   according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
   blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
   and cleanse me from my sin!

3 For I know my transgressions,
   and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
   and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
   and blameless in your judgment.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
   and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
   and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
   wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
   let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins,
   and blot out all my iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
   and renew a right[b] spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence,
   and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
   and uphold me with a willing spirit.”

How I longed for and prayed for a clean heart. I wanted joy, but what I felt was shame and regret.

I praise God that I’ve been walking in freedom from that besetting sin for more than 13 years.

The Problem

The problem was that I lost my true identity. I saw myself based on my performance. When I was in high school, I excelled at running and was an A student, so my identity became a runner and a scholar. When I began working, I excelled at solving problems. My identity became a problem solver.

On the other side, I failed to meet women and find a lifelong partner. I felt rejected time and time again. My identity became the rejected single who women didn’t find attractive. I fell into the trap of lust. I was angry with God and sought temporary pleasure from the illusion of a woman being interested in me. That began the downward cycle of shame. My shame became my identity. “I’m not good enough for a woman to love me.”

Beginning to Break the Cycle

The only thing that breaks the cycle is not willpower. It is not discipline. It is love. In my early thirties, I joined accountability groups. I was in groups that specifically dealt with addiction; some were specific to my struggles with lust, some were more general like Celebrate Recovery.

My accountability partners loved me. They accepted me for who I am and reminded me that I am still loved by God. I would call when I fell, and they would pick me up, assuring me I was forgiven and loved.

Finding Love

My past didn’t keep me from getting married. At forty-six, God surprised me (It took long enough). I had given up on finding a wife. I still had the lingering feeling that I never would. Also, I didn’t want to raise teenagers in my sixties.

As a single person, I was living a fulfilling and meaningful life. During those years, I mentored a teenager through Big Brothers Big Sisters and spent time teaching little children in programs for kids of divorce and struggling marriages, as well as in Sunday School. Though I didn’t have kids of my own, I became a father figure to many of them and poured my heart into those relationships. I also had nieces and nephews whom I dearly loved.

God Moved

But then… God interrupted my life unexpectedly. I received an email from a beautiful woman in the Philippines, and my life changed forever.

I was not an active member on this Filipino dating site, but I did have a profile because a friend of mine, over a decade earlier, had said that Asian women make good wives. Encouraged by this, I put a profile on the site but left it alone.

When I received the email, I checked out her profile and realized she was a genuine believer and incredibly beautiful. I paid for a membership so we could communicate freely. On our first chat, I prayed with her. I wanted God to lead the relationship wherever He would take it. I had given up. My efforts never succeeded, so I gave it to God. When I prayed, she was impressed.

You can read more of the story in my blog “When Your Past Doesn’t Define You.”

I did not earn my wife-to-be’s favor. I let God. He gave her a love for me that I didn’t earn. Every other woman, I tried to earn her love and failed. God showed me His unmeritorious love through her, but He didn’t do it until I was ready.

All For Good

God works all things together for good (Romans 8:28). The shame cycle, the recovery groups, the long years of waiting — none of it was wasted. God was teaching me patience, humility, and the kind of love that serves rather than demands. I couldn’t have been the husband my wife needed if I hadn’t walked through all of it.

God redeems the past. Jesus not only died on the cross so that our sins could be forgiven. He died to redeem us. He redeemed our past and made us new. We are being conformed to his image. Romans 8:29

The beauty of this truth lies in its freedom. Our past, with all its triumphs and failures, serves as a teacher rather than a jailer. When we embrace faith in Christ’s redemption, we find that guilt and regret lose their hold on us.

Embracing My Identity

My identity is a beloved child of God. I am made in the image of God. I am his beloved son in whom he is well pleased. That is my identity. I don’t have to strive for acceptance; I am accepted. I don’t have to wallow in shame and regret. Jesus took my shame away when he bore my shame on the cross.

It is as if I’ve never sinned and as if I always obeyed. That is not easy to believe. I have to remind myself that God is pleased with me. He’s not disappointed. He hasn’t rejected me. God accepts me.

In our merit-based world, the truth that I am loved without earning it is almost impossibly hard to accept. But it is my true identity. And it is the only one that doesn’t come undone when the accolades stop and the roles fall away.

I’ll say it again for all of us: We are made in the image of God. We are his beloved sons and daughters. That is our true identity.

That is the identity we all need. Not the identity formed by our performance, our failures, or our father’s voice — but the one that was given to us before any of that happened. We are beloved children of God, princes and daughters of the King, created in his image, bought by his Son, being made new.

God is Not Done

I’ve not arrived. I’m not perfect, far from it. I failed recently, not from lust, but anger. God has been working on my anger since I was married. You can read about this weekend in my post “What I Learned About Anger When God Exposed My Heart.” The beauty is I saw God working. Even though I failed, shame didn’t have a grip on me.

We are all a work in progress. I take comfort in the fact that God has redeemed my past and is shaping my future. I’m walking in freedom from one particularly difficult sin, but God is still at work. Like Paul said, “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:14

What I Learned About Anger When God Exposed My Heart

Person with backpack walking along a quiet suburban street at night

It was midnight. Sleep wouldn’t come, and anger had me wide awake.

After getting up, I walked around my neighborhood for 45 minutes, praying. Back home, sleep still wouldn’t come, and at 6 AM, I gave up trying.

That night taught me something unflattering about myself—something that isn’t easy to write about for the world to see.

The Context

My dad has stage 4 cancer. He’s 84, but his doctors call him a “young 84″—healthy otherwise. In recent months, he has made multiple ER trips. Chemo kills cancer cells, but they pass through his bladder and cause painful blockages, or so the doctors think. His latest visit meant a larger catheter.

The email that set me off arrived while my dad was in the ER.

The Trigger

My wife brought me a message. It was a request—one that felt like an overreach. I’d rather not go into the details. What matters is that it involved her job, and the request seemed unreasonable to me. It made no sense.

This wasn’t mild annoyance. I got livid. I don’t understand why; I just know I was fuming mad.

So I told my wife to have the sender call me. No call came that day.

What I Did

The next morning, the call finally came. The person asked cheerfully how I was doing.

One word came to mind: “Angry.”

Silence.

No yelling followed, and I didn’t list my complaints. I simply said what was true.

I don’t remember what she said in response, but her surprise was clear. After asking her to explain the email, I still didn’t understand. The situation had hit me out of left field. When she asked if I would comply, I said no—firmly, without apology. We talked through it. She validated my feelings and remained very calm. She promised to check with her boss and get back to me. Grateful for her patience and for validating my feelings, I thanked her. I know she heard anger in my voice, but she didn’t respond with anger. Instead, she responded very professionally and kindly. I expressed my gratitude for her response and complimented her character.

A few hours later, she kept her promise. The request was reduced significantly, and she went out of her way to make things easier on me. Questions remained, but eventually I agreed to meet their reduced terms.

What I Got Wrong

It would be easy to say I handled that well.

I didn’t.

My wife was visibly upset—more than once. She worried my refusal would cost her job. Though I believed she wouldn’t lose it, and was right, my anger still created real pain in our home.

What God Did

Thank God, my monthly prayer meeting came the next day. Only the host was there when I arrived. Perhaps God knew I needed time with him.

Together, we confessed our anger and talked honestly about it. Then we prayed—for our anger, our country, and our children. It was one of the most powerful prayer times I’ve had.

My friend started fighting an ocular migraine. I prayed for healing, and afterward he told me that just before I prayed, the migraine had disappeared.

God showed up. I was grateful.

God was Not Done

That night, I slept, but it wasn’t over. God still had to work on my hard heart.

After church the next day, a long mountain walk gave me time to pray. I came home feeling better, but without answers. My feelings went before God, and I asked him to work. He did—but not until the next morning, when I made another mistake.

The next morning, something I said was meant to justify my position, but my wife felt the anger still under my words.

She said something I needed to hear.

“The enemy is attacking, and you’re letting him succeed.” She had tears. She felt unsupported and hurt. That’s what it took to soften my heart. Anger toward an agency was still present, but now I could finally see how this was hurting my wife. She explained fully and clearly what she was feeling and experiencing. Until that moment, I had seen only irrational feelings and paranoia. Now I saw hurt, pain, and sadness that I had caused.

She was right to express how she felt and to feel as she did. That one conversation shifted everything in my heart.

What I’m Still Wrestling With

The reason I got so angry still isn’t fully clear to me.

Could it have been the stress of my dad’s illness? Maybe. Was it that I’ve always hated this kind of request? Probably. But I think there’s a simpler answer.

I wanted my way. I didn’t get it. And I sinned.

I’ve read Unoffendable by Brant Hansen. The message resonated so strongly that I wrote a Bible study from it and hosted one in my home. Yet that email offended me completely. The gap between what I know and how I act bothers me.

God is still working on me.

Three Things I Learned

1. Name your emotion before it names you.

Telling the caller “I’m angry” was one of the best things I did. It was honest. The feeling was on the table instead of leaking out sideways.

2. Anger rarely travels alone.

My anger had passengers: stress, fear, and exhaustion. My dad was suffering, and my wife was scared. I was depleted. Anger that looks like principle is often something else underneath.

3. The people closest to you will see what you can’t.

My wife’s words did what my midnight prayer walks couldn’t. Someone who loved me had to call me out of my self-centeredness. I needed to listen.

The Enemy Didn’t Win

Not everything was handled well. Still, the enemy didn’t divide my marriage or make our lives miserable. God worked things out in ways I couldn’t have planned.

It took a sleepless night and a difficult few days and I could have spared myself all that, but God used it to do some internal heart work. God works all things together for good as it says in Romans 8:28. He did.

I’m grateful.

Ways to Pray for Your Children

Parent kneeling beside a sleeping child under a quilt

When my wife and I attended a marriage conference a few years ago, a speaker described how he prayed for his children. He wasn’t praying in general terms, ‘Lord, bless my kids.’ He was praying specifically. He prayed by name, by need, and for the future.

I sat in that room and felt the conviction quietly arrive: I hadn’t been doing this. I was praying for my kids the way I used to fill out forms — technically present, not really engaged.

That day changed how I pray. I’ve been praying since, and I’m still learning.

Recently I came across an article on how to pray for your adult kids. While my kids are not adults, I read the article and found some prayers applicable to them; others I adjusted to fit young kids.

Here are my recommendations for praying for young kids, based on what I’ve learned and what I intend to continue praying for my kids.

Pray for Their Heart

Proverbs 4:23 CSB: “Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 NKJV: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.”

Lastly, we are to love the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength – Matthew 22:37 NKJV.

Our children’s hearts are critical. We need to pray that the Holy Spirit would guard their hearts, that they would trust God with all their heart and love the Lord from their heart. Pray that our children will be kids after God’s own heart, like David was from his youth.

I pray this specifically because I know what it cost me to do things I wanted rather than follow God’s heart. I want them to know and follow God’s heart earlier than I did.

Pray for Their Mind

Romans 12:2 ESV: “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” 

2 Corinthians 10:5 ESV: “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.”

Our kids are bombarded with toxic ideas and ways of thinking contrary to God’s Word. Not only are the things they see and hear on social media, but also the things they hear and see from other adults and children are not always in line with what God says is true and right.  We need to pray that God will renew our children’s minds and take every thought captive.

My daughters are on social media. They spend more time on YouTube than we do as a family watching TV.  I’ve seen what they encounter, and it frightens me. Not because they’re bad kids, but because the ideas coming at them daily are relentless. This is why we talk about what they see. I don’t just pray; I try to guide them through conversations.

Pray for Their Emotions

Philippians 4:6 NIV: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

Proverbs 29:11 NIV: “Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.”

Ecclesiastes 3:4 NIV: “A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”

My kids are going through puberty. Their emotions are difficult for them to handle as the hormones wreak havoc. Kids in general need to learn how to handle their emotions. Pray that God will help them not to be anxious and to control their anger. Pray that they will not be ashamed to weep, laugh, mourn, and celebrate when the situation calls for it.

I’ve gotten it wrong more times than I’d like to admit — responding to their emotions with impatience rather than understanding. I pray for them partly because I’m still learning to manage my own.

Pray for Their Physical Bodies

1 Corinthians 6:19–20 NKJV: “Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore, glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s”

Romans 12:1 NKJV: “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service”

Pray for protection over our kids’ bodies. I have often prayed Psalm 91 over my kids. Pray for their physical health and that they would use their bodies to glorify God rather than disgrace him.

I encourage our kids to get outside and play. I encourage them to eat healthy and try to set the proper example. They see me bike to exercise, and they know I’m on a diet that restricts sugar and processed foods. They get on my case when I “cheat” on the diet.

Pray for Their Future Spouse

Genesis 2:18 ESV: Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

Proverbs 18:22 ESV: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 ESV: “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God;”

One of the things that surprised me at the marriage conference was that the father prayed regularly for his kids’ future spouses. My wife was already doing this, but I wasn’t. I realized from this man’s example that I should.

We should pray that God is preparing the right spouse for our kids now and that they know God at a young age. We should pray that our kids are kept away from sexual temptation and that if they do encounter it, God will give them the strength to flee like Joseph.

My kids see the choice I made, and they’ve heard our story on how God put us together. You can read some of our story in this post. My wife and I have a covenant marriage. Our covenant hangs on the wall, and we’ve read it to our kids. I pray they will learn from our example and also have a covenant marriage.

Pray for Their Education

Proverbs 22:6 KJV: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

Deuteronomy 6:6–7 NKJV: “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.”

The primary responsibility of educating our children lies with the parents, but many of our kids, including mine, attend school. I pray for my children when I drop them off at school, following in my mother’s example, who took them to and from school before I did.

There are so many dangers in this world, and school shootings have been becoming common. We need to pray for protection over our kids.

Teachers don’t always teach the same values that we want our kids to learn. We need to pray that teachers would teach our kids Biblical values and exemplify them.

My daughters go to a Christian school, and eventually I will homeschool them. The school is more in line with our values as parents than a public school would be, but still there are things we disagree with. I’m not particularly happy that the school rewards with candy, so I’m constantly warning my kids of the danger of too much sugar.

My kids ask me to pray about upcoming tests, and so I do, out loud. My kids pray about their own tests.

Praying for education is critical. Our kids’ education shapes their future.

Pray for Their Future Careers

Colossians 3:23 NIV: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters”

Proverbs 16:3 NIV: Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.

My kids are being prepared for their careers as they go to school and as they experience life. My youngest believes she wants to be a VET. My oldest is considering being a teacher.

I’ve worked from home, and my kids have seen me work and have asked about what I do. My wife’s job is in our home. She takes care of three people with intellectual disabilities in our home. Our daughters get a bird’s-eye view of their mom working.

We need to pray that our kids are led by God in their calling. We need to pray that God prepares them now for their future.

Pray for Their Friends

Proverbs 27:17: NKJV “As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.

Proverbs 18:24 NIV: “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”

Friendships are critical for our kids. Pray they choose their friends wisely. Pray they influence their friends for good and vice versa.

My oldest has navigated some painful situations with friends this year. I didn’t always handle them well as a father. At times she was in tears. I was too quick to try to fix it and too slow to listen. But I’ve been praying more specifically about who God is bringing into her life.

She eventually resolved the issue and followed some of my advice. It is still hard. Sometimes they are best friends, and sometimes they are more like enemies. I know they are growing through their friendships. I’m praying that they do.

Pray A Blessing Over Your Children

Genesis 27:27 NIV: So he went to him and kissed him. When Isaac caught the smell of his clothes, he blessed him.”

Mark 10:13-16 NIV:  “People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.’ And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.”

Blessing our children is not just praying for them; it is specifically asking God to show his favor and blessings for their present and future. I have several times laid my hands on my kids and blessed them. Sometimes it has been as simple as saying Numbers 6:24–26  NIV: “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.” I like the ERV version, “May the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord smile down on you and show you his kindness. May the Lord answer your prayer and give you peace.” Sometimes it is speaking about their future as Jacob did with his sons.

The blessing of our children is very special and important.

Continuing to Pray

After the marriage conference, I prayed more for my kids, but I let it slip. After reading the article on Crosswalk, I’m motivated to pray more. When I pray specifically — by name, by need, by the future I can’t yet see — something shifts in me. Not just in them. In me. I become the father they need rather than the one who means well but stays distracted.

These aren’t the only ways to pray for your children. They’re the ones that have changed how I see my daughters — not just as kids to raise, but as people God is already preparing for a future He’s already planned. That’s worth praying into.”

When Your Past Doesn’t Define You: Living as God’s Beloved

Open blue cottage door leading to a sunlit flower garden

When I was a kid, I was bullied and teased. I remember once an older boy who lived across the street pulled my short pants down in front of other kids, including a girl. Everyone laughed, and I fought back the tears of shame. I got into many fights, but I never threw the first punch. My dad’s answer to bullies was to teach me to fight back, so I did.

In contrast, I was also a scholar and an athlete. I was proud of my academic achievements: graduating salutatorian of my high school class, running cross-country, and being part of a winning team. Being salutatorian earned me a trophy; being an athlete earned me letters, pins, trophies, and plaques. I also won many trophies running road races.

Those childhood days began the cycle of shame that I felt and carried into adulthood. I strove to do good, to look good, and to win others’ approval. Receiving approval felt great, like winning road races and receiving a trophy. When I did wrong, I felt shame. I feared no one would like or respect me if they knew what I did. I hid my shame.

Shame and the Past

We all feel shame either from our past or present failures. We see ourselves based on our performance. If we excel in sports, we identify ourselves as good athletes. If we do well at our jobs, we identify ourselves as good workers. In contrast, if we fail, if we make mistakes, if we do things wrong, we identify ourselves as worthless.

What we do or fail to do becomes our identity. When we are successful, we say “I am an excellent runner” or “I’m a talented and gifted problem solver.” When we perform poorly, we say, “I’m no good” or “I’m a failure.”

These thoughts and words have power. We get stuck in a cycle of shame or always aim to achieve. If we succeed, the accolades wear out, and we lose our identity. If we fail, we get stuck never succeeding or feeling good about ourselves. Our behavior becomes destructive.

We’ve all lost our true identity. We are made in the image of God. We are his beloved sons and daughters. That is our identity. We don’t have to strive for acceptance; we are accepted. We don’t have to wallow in shame and regret. Jesus took our shame away when he bore our shame on the cross.

My Shame and Regrets

I admit I wasn’t very patient with God when it came to finding a wife, and I got angry at some of the messages on sex. I heard, “If you wait until you’re married, you’ll have great sex.” Much good that did me as a single. I also heard that sex was a great stress reliever. As a single man in his thirties, I found that message more frustrating than helpful.

I did things I was not proud of while I was single. However, I treated the women I dated with respect because my father taught me and modeled it. I did not pressure women to have sex, nor did I cross the line, and I remained celibate the whole time I was single — but not pure. I never got drunk or took drugs, but I was in recovery groups battling lust.

Healing from the Past

It wasn’t until I was in recovery groups and admitted my faults that the cycle of shame started to break. I could confess to brothers in Christ who had done similar wrongs. They understood and accepted me.

The only thing that breaks the cycle is not willpower. It is not discipline. It is love. My accountability partners loved me. They accepted me for who I am and reminded me that I am still loved by God.

Embracing Our True Identity

In our merit-based world, the truth that we are loved without earning it is almost impossibly hard to accept. But it is our true identity. And it is the only one that doesn’t come undone when the accolades stop and the roles fall away.

I’ll say it again: We are made in the image of God. We are his beloved sons and daughters. That is our true identity.

That is the identity we all need. Not the identity formed by our performance, our failures, or our father’s voice — but the one that was given to us before any of that happened. We are beloved children of God, princes and daughters of the King, created in his image, bought by his Son, being made new.

And then, just when I had stopped striving, God moved.

Moving on from the Past

My past didn’t keep me from getting married, nor did it ruin my marriage. At forty-six, God surprised me. I had given up on finding a wife and even told my parents to stop asking — I didn’t want to raise teenagers in my sixties.

But then… I received an email from a beautiful woman in the Philippines and my life changed forever.

I was not an active member on this Filipino dating site, but I did have a profile because a friend of mine, over a decade earlier, had said that Asian women make good wives. Encouraged by this, I put a profile on the site but left it alone.

When I received the email, I checked out her profile and realized she was a genuine believer and incredibly beautiful. I paid for a membership so we could communicate freely. On our first chat, I prayed with her — that God would lead the relationship wherever He would take it. She was impressed.

Intentional Courtship

Before receiving the email, I had read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” by Joshua Harris. Regardless of what happened on his later journey, the book changed how I approached relationships at the time. I did not “date” my wife-to-be. Instead, I courted her. I asked her father’s permission to court her — I didn’t know that was also the Filipino tradition. Part of courting her was spending time with her family so they would know me and approve of the relationship. When I proposed, I first asked her father.

We courted entirely online for the first month. During that time, we read 1 Corinthians 13 together and studied it from the perspective that God is love — so how does God himself meet each attribute of love?

One month after that first email, I was assured of our mutual love and affection but needed to meet her in person. I flew to the Philippines to meet her and her family.

We had one week together — one week with her family, in her home, in her world. By the end of it, I knew. I asked her father for her hand in marriage, proposed to Rubilyn, and she said yes. We had an engagement ceremony at her church in front of family and friends. Then I left and waited and waited.

The visa process took a full year. We were engaged but separated by an ocean and a twelve-hour time difference. During that year, we read Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage together — chapter by chapter, long distance. It helped us lay the groundwork for a marriage we hadn’t yet begun.

We married when I was forty-seven. The wait was worth it.

The Past as Preparation

Looking back, I can see that every step of our courtship was intentional — not because I had a perfect plan, but because I was finally paying attention to what God was doing rather than trying to make it happen myself.

The shame cycle, the recovery groups, the long years of waiting — none of it was wasted. God was teaching me patience, humility, and the kind of love that serves rather than demands. I couldn’t have been the husband Rubilyn needed if I hadn’t walked through all of it.

The Past and the Present

Our past shapes who we are, yet it need not confine us to who we were. Through faith and intentional reflection, we can acknowledge our history without allowing it to dictate our future.

The beauty of this truth lies in its freedom. Our past, with all its triumphs and failures, serves as a teacher rather than a jailer. When we embrace faith in Christ’s redemption, we find that guilt and regret lose their hold on us.

We can live fully in each present moment. We are empowered by grace to move forward without the burden of yesterday’s mistakes, as Paul expresses in Philippians 3:13-14. Our identity in Christ transcends the limitations of our history. We can become who we are meant to be.

I wrote a poem about this journey called “The Past” — it captures what those years, and what God did with them, taught me:

The Past

The past is there to remind us
Of who we were in times gone by,
But the past does not define us.

Like a ghost, you can sense its wrath.
Like the wind, you hear its lament,
But it will not hinder your path.

I am what I am in the present moment,
Though influenced by the past —
I am neither its slave nor its servant.

We need to be servants of Christ — but not to earn his favor. His favor and love are given to us freely, not earned. We need to embrace it.

Our past has prepared us for this moment. God works all things together for our good — not despite our failures, but through them. That is the God we serve, and that is the identity He has given us.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” — Romans 8:28, NIV

Why Stories Teach What Lectures Can’t

Ivy-covered stone doorway opening onto a glowing enchanted forest path

The Power of Allegory for Christian Families


Imagine trying to teach a nine-year-old about racism by sitting them down and explaining it directly.

You could talk about history, injustice, fear, and prejudice. Showing them facts and figures could impress them. You could try to explain why it’s wrong and what they should think about it.

And they would nod politely. And nothing would change.

Now imagine a grandmother sitting down with her grandchildren and reading about a white mouse who has spent his whole life teaching his family that black rats are filthy and dangerous — until a flood comes and the rat saves everyone the mouse loves most.

Nobody’s family is on trial. Nobody feels accused. But when the grandmother closes the book and asks, “Why do you think Rhubarb felt the way he did about rats?” — something real begins to happen.

That is the power of allegory.


What Allegory Is — And Why It Works

Direct moral instruction can make children defensive or disengaged. When lectured, we listen with the intent to respond. We get defensive. Rarely are we convinced beyond our preconceived ideas and paradigms.

An allegory teaches lessons through story and removes our natural barriers and defenses.

An allegory is a story with a double meaning. There is a surface narrative about characters and events, and a much deeper meaning about human experience, faith, society, or morality running beneath it. The characters and situations are fictional, but what they represent is entirely real.

Aesop’s Fables is one of the most famous examples of allegory. In the Tortoise and the Hare, two fictional characters race. The slower one wins not because of speed, but because of consistency and determination. The lesson of consistent determination is universal and applicable to life.

According to the American Journal, allegory serves as a valuable tool for facilitating discussions and promoting a deeper understanding of complex subjects.

The article “Talking about Terrible Things: The Craft of Allegory in Children’s Literature” argues that, for younger students who might have difficulty grasping broader themes or topics, allegories can present these ideas in more familiar and relatable contexts.

When a lesson is wrapped in narrative, the brain processes it differently. We have two sides to our brain: the logical, practical side and the emotional side. When processing stories, the emotional side is activated. We experience the story more personally and more memorably than when it’s delivered as a direct proposition. You don’t just understand the idea. You feel it. And what you feel, you remember. Emotions are a powerful teacher.

The Precedent

Before we look at books, it’s worth remembering where allegory comes from.

Jesus repeatedly used narrative and parable to communicate truths that could have been expressed propositionally. Rather than lecture about compassion, he told of a man left dying on a road and the Samaritan who stopped to help. To illuminate forgiveness, he described a father running to welcome his prodigal son home. And instead of defining eternal life, he spoke of a man who found a pearl of great price and sold everything to possess it.

The parable of the Good Samaritan and the Prodigal Son are allegories. Even the seven letters to the seven churches in Revelation carry allegorical dimensions. God has always used story to open doors that lecture cannot.

John Bunyan understood this. His Pilgrim’s Progress — one of the most widely read books in Christian history — follows a character named Christian on a journey from the City of Destruction to the Celestial City. Every encounter, every obstacle, every companion is allegorical. Yet millions of readers over three centuries have found themselves in that story in ways no theological treatise could.


Examples of Allegory

The Chronicles of Narnia: Allegory in a Child’s World

C.S. Lewis understood that children think concretely before they think abstractly. You cannot hand a nine-year-old a theology textbook. But you can hand them a story about a great lion who dies on a Stone Table and rises again. They will feel the weight of the cross before they have the vocabulary to name it. They will feel Lucy and Susan’s sadness as they watch Aslan’s sacrifice.

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe is probably the most famous example. Aslan’s substitutionary death and resurrection mirror Christ’s sacrifice. Edmund’s complete forgiveness reflects divine grace rather than karma or endless guilt. The White Witch tempts Edmund with a sweet treat through small compromises, showing how deception leads to bondage in a way a child can see and feel. Edmund betrays his family much like Judas betrayed Jesus.

Other books in the series

But Lewis didn’t stop there. Every book in the series carries its own allegorical weight:

The Magician’s Nephew explores creation by spoken word and the temptation and fall of man, mirroring Genesis. The Horse and His Boy teaches divine guidance, providence, and the stripping away of human pride. Prince Caspian encourages faith when revival or deliverance seems delayed. The Voyage of the Dawn Treader illustrates spiritual transformation. Eustace is “un-dragoned,” which points toward our inability to save ourselves. The Silver Chair warns believers to hold fast to the Lion’s core command amid distraction. The Last Battle depicts judgment and the transition to Aslan’s Country — heaven itself.

Seven books. Seven doorways into truths that, taught directly, might bounce off a child’s heart. Wrapped in story, they walk in through a different entrance.

In Lewis’ Own Word

Lewis himself said it plainly — and it became the opening words of my own Complete Companion Guide: “A children’s story that can only be enjoyed by children is not a good children’s story in the slightest.”

He wasn’t writing for children. He was writing about the truth that children and adults share.


The Kingdom Series: Allegory for the Whole Bible

Chuck Black, a Christian fiction author and former F-16 fighter pilot, wrote the six-book Kingdom Series — medieval action allegories that retell the Bible from Genesis to Revelation for ages eight and up. The books are widely used as family read-alouds and homeschool devotionals, with discussion questions tied to Scripture at the back of each volume.

On an episode of Schoolhouse Rocked, host Aby Rinella welcomed Chuck to discuss why making room for doubt and hard questions is essential in Christian homeschool families. Rather than treating a child’s spiritual doubt as a threat, Chuck argued that it can become a doorway to deeper, more personally owned faith.

Chuck’s approach to this is through story. A child who asks hard questions about God while reading an allegory about knights and battles is not in danger — they’re in the safest possible environment to wrestle with what they believe and why.

Chuck and I share the same conviction: the right story can open a door that a direct conversation sometimes can’t.


Redeeming Rhubarb: An Allegory of Mice and Rats

When I set out to write a story about prejudice, I didn’t want to use human characters. If I chose human characters of specific races or ethnicities, readers who didn’t belong to those groups might disengage. They might feel accused, or disconnected, or simply unrepresented. The lesson I wanted to teach would only reach part of the audience it was meant for.

So I chose mice and rats.

I made a deliberate allegorical decision. The same instinct that led C.S. Lewis and Chuck Black to write allegories, led me.

It’s rooted in the Biblical example of Jesus, who tells stories about farmers and fishermen rather than making direct accusations about the Pharisees’ behavior.

By using animals, I removed the human element entirely. A grandmother can sit down with her grandchildren and discuss racism from the perspective of mice and rats without pointing fingers at anyone in the room, to parents or neighbors. The conversation can go where it needs to go. They can discuss fear, prejudice, and what hatred costs the one who holds it without anyone feeling personally attacked.

Reversing Preconceived Notions

I also chose mice and rats specifically to challenge existing biases. Most readers arrive with a pre-formed reaction to each animal. Mice are cute and small and sympathetic. Rats are dirty, dangerous, and feared. I reversed those expectations entirely.

In Redeeming Rhubarb, the rat is the hero — wise, patient, sacrificial, and forgiving. The mouse is the one causing harm, hating, and trying to destroy. That reversal is deliberate. The moment a reader realizes they’ve been rooting for the wrong animal is the moment the allegory does its deepest work — because they begin to ask why they assumed what they assumed, and whether those assumptions extend to people.

How Children Experience a Story

Children experience a story differently than adults do. They don’t analyze it from a distance. Instead, they enter it. They inhabit the characters, feel what the characters feel, and carry those emotions with them long after the book is closed.

In Redeeming Rhubarb, that emotional journey runs through three very different characters. Children will see themselves in each one and feel their emotions.

Barnabas awakens their compassion. He is kind to the very mouse who despises him and forgives when he has every reason not to be. Children who follow Barnabas feel what genuine grace looks like before they have a word for it. They don’t need to be told that loving your enemies is the right thing to do. They watch Barnabas do it, and they feel why it matters.

Strawberry gives children a voice. Her sadness and frustration over her father’s blindness and watching someone she loves refuse to see what is right in front of him is one of the most relatable experiences in the book. Children who have ever known an adult who was wrong about something important will recognize Strawberry’s position immediately. She becomes the reader’s representative inside the story, asking the questions the reader wants to ask.

And Rhubarb brings them closest to the truth about themselves. His prejudice is not cartoonish. It has reasons such as real grief, real wounds, real history. As his hatred brings painful consequences to the family he loves, children feel his growing shame before he does. They see it coming before he can admit it. And when he finally falls to his knees, the relief they feel is not just his — it is theirs. Because Rhubarb is not a villain; he is a broken person who finally lets himself be reached.

That is what allegory accomplishes that a lecture never could. Children don’t just learn about prejudice and forgiveness — they experience them, at a safe distance, inside the lives of a mouse and a rat.

Allegory is a Tool

American Journal states that through symbolic representations and metaphors, readers can approach complex subjects from a new perspective, making them more relatable and accessible. This, in turn, creates a space for dialogue and exploration, enabling readers to engage with the text and share their insights and interpretations.

That is exactly what happens when a family reads Redeeming Rhubarb together. The story is about mice and rats. The conversation is about us.

Why This Matters for Your Family and Homeschool

Research confirms what storytellers and scripture writers have always practiced. Books serve as both mirrors and windows for children — mirrors in which children can see themselves, and windows that widen their world. Allegory amplifies both functions: it gives children a mirror they can look into without feeling exposed, and a window into experiences and moral questions they might otherwise avoid.

Here are three practical ways allegory creates the safe space children need:

  • It removes the personal threat. When the story is about Rhubarb, not about Dad, a child can examine prejudice without the conversation feeling like an accusation. They can disagree with Rhubarb, feel ashamed of Rhubarb, and root for Barnabas — and all of that emotional processing prepares them for the harder conversation about what happens in real life.
  • It invites honest questions. When a child asks “why does Rhubarb hate the rats so much?” they are doing theology without knowing it. They’re asking about the roots of hatred, about inherited fear, about what grief does to a person when it isn’t healed. You can answer that question fully and honestly without anyone in the room feeling implicated or guilty.
  • It makes the lesson stick. Stories can make abstract ideas more memorable and emotionally striking. A child who reads Rhubarb’s story will carry Barnabas’s grace with them long after the book is closed, because they didn’t just learn about forgiveness. They watched it happen, on the page, at real cost, and they felt what it felt like when the walls finally came down.

Where to Start

If you’re looking for allegories to add to your family reading or homeschool curriculum, here are my recommendations in order:

  • The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis — for all ages, start with The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
  • The Kingdom Series by Chuck Black — excellent for ages 8 and up, strong for family devotions
  • Pilgrim’s Progress by John Bunyan — the original English-language Christian allegory; several excellent children’s adaptations exist
  • Redeeming Rhubarb by Bob Richley — a middle-grade allegory about prejudice, forgiveness, and redemption, with a free 46-chapter Complete Companion Guide available at bobrichleyauthor.store

For more recommendations, see this curated list from a homeschooler: Top 10 Christian Allegory Books & Series for Kids and Teens

The safe space your child needs to wrestle with the hardest questions isn’t a classroom or a lecture. It’s a story. Give them a good one, and then sit down with them and see where it goes.


Resources:

Free Redeeming Rhubarb resources — discussion guides, unit studies, grammar supplements, and the Complete Companion Guide — are available free at bobrichleyauthor.store.

Chuck Black’s Kingdom Series is available at chuckblack.com and wherever Christian books are sold.

The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis is available wherever books are sold.

From Shame to Sonship: Alcoholism and Identity in Christian Faith

Abstract painting with swirling gold, crimson, blue, and black brushstrokes

My maternal grandmother hid knives on weekends.

Her husband drank, and when he drank, things became dangerous. My paternal grandfather was mean. He was cruel and abusive when alcohol was in him, and absent in the ways that mattered when it wasn’t.

I grew up knowing what alcoholism does to a family from the inside. I saw how hurt my aunts and father were and heard horror stories.

Later, I sat in recovery groups and watched people wrestle free from addiction through the grace of God. I saw what it cost. I watched and experienced what freedom looks like when it finally arrives.

That experience went into Redeeming Rhubarb — specifically into the character of Rhubarb himself. He drinks. He is an alcoholic. And I wanted to write that with the honesty it deserves, not as a plot device but as someone relatable and someone that grace can actually reach.


The Backstory Behind the Behavior

Stephen Covey tells a story of a man whose children are running wild on a subway car, disturbing everyone around them. Covey, frustrated, asks the father to control them. The man looks up blankly and says: “We just came from the hospital. Their mother died an hour ago.”

Covey’s annoyance dissolves instantly. Not because the children’s behavior changed — but because he suddenly understood the story behind it.

We all have a backstory. And when you know someone’s backstory, you can begin to understand why they do what they do — without excusing it.

This is why I give Rhubarb a backstory.

Without it, readers would see his prejudice, his cruelty, his abandonment of his family in the flood — and they would simply hate him. They wouldn’t want him redeemed. They might not even believe redemption was possible for someone like him.

So I add more. Rhubarb was wounded by a father who never accepted him, no matter how hard he tried to please him. He lost his brother and blamed rats who sold him drugs. He carries guilt that he has never spoken out loud. And when he later believes his daughter has died because of his own failures, that guilt compounds into something that crushes him.

None of this makes his behavior acceptable. But it makes him comprehensible. And comprehension is where compassion begins. The reader may not like or agree with what Rhubarb does, but they’ll feel compassion for his brokenness.

I also show Rhubarb at his best. He plays with his children, compliments his daughter, and shows flashes of warmth and humor. He is not a cartoon villain. Rhubarb is a broken mouse with both good and bad in him, like all of us.


The Downward Cycle of Shame

Here is something I’ve come to understand about shame — not just from Rhubarb’s story, but from my own:

We’ve all lost our true identity. We see ourselves based on our performance. If we excel in sports, we identify ourselves as good athletes. If we do well at our jobs, we identify ourselves as good workers. In contrast, if we fail, if we make mistakes, if we do things wrong, we identify ourselves as worthless.

Rhubarb sees himself as worthless. His father told him so, in a hundred different ways. His identity was formed in failure, and it stayed there.

Shame drove him to drink — to numb the pain of that identity. And when he believed he was responsible for his daughter’s death, the shame deepened. He knew drinking was the problem. But shame doesn’t drive people toward change. Shame drives people deeper into the very thing destroying them. That is the downward cycle — and it is one of the most accurate things I know about addiction because I’ve been there, I’ve experienced it.

The only thing that breaks the cycle is not willpower. It is not discipline. It is love. My accountability partners loved me. They accepted me for who I am and reminded me that I am still loved by God.


The Poem That Expresses Who I Am

I wrote this poem that wrestles with exactly this question: Who Am I? I had been an athlete. A developer of code. A provider. And as those roles fell away one by one, I found myself asking: if I’m not what I do — then who am I?


Once I thought I was an athlete.
I ran cross country and track.
I won awards and races.
I saw pleasure on many faces.
Now, being old, I can no longer run.
Who I thought I was has become undone.

Once I thought I was a developer of code.
I wrote programs that people used and praised.
People were delighted and amazed.
Now, retired, I no longer code and write.
Who I thought I was has taken flight.

Accolades and praise, applause and awards
Are what I sought, gained and lost.
For what I thought was my identity,
Is now gone, so who am I now?
For all I thought I was, I disavow.

I am not a writer.
A writer is what I do,
Not who I am.

I am not a man,
A man is my sex.
It is not who I am.

I am not a father.
I produced, and now I raise my kids,
But it is not who I am.

So who am I?
If I'm nothing I do?
If I'm not my attributes or appearance?

The answer comes from the one
Who created me to be his son.
In the image of God was I made
It is my identity that will never fade.

I am a child of the Most High God
In him is my identity and whom I laud.
I am his beloved son in whom he is well pleased.
It is by his love my soul is forever seized.

I am not worthless as I sometimes believe.
I am not what I don't do or fail to achieve.
I am of the highest value to the only one.
I am a prince of the king, his beloved son.

The Identity That Breaks the Cycle

Rhubarb’s redemption comes not from a lecture, not from a program, not from trying harder. It comes when he finally understands that he is loved.

Barnabas keeps showing him love — consistently, at great personal cost, without requiring Rhubarb to change first. His daughter Strawberry speaks truth to him — the hardest truth, delivered with tears rather than cruelty. It is this powerful combination of truth and love that breaks Rhubarb and brings him to redemption.

He realizes he is loved. And that realization gives him a new identity.

That is the identity we all need. Not the identity formed by our performance, our failures, or our father’s voice, but the one that was given to us before any of that happened. We are beloved children of God. We are princes and daughters of the King, created in his image, bought by his Son, being made new.

In our merit-based world, that identity is almost impossibly hard to accept. But it is our true identity. And it is the only one that doesn’t come undone when the accolades stop and the roles fall away.

That’s what Redeeming Rhubarb is about. Not a mouse who was always good. A mouse who was broken in a specific way, for a real reason — and who had to decide, at great cost, to receive the love that had been offered to him all along.


To continue this conversation with your family: My free Redeeming Rhubarb Complete Companion Guide includes chapter-by-chapter discussion questions, family conversation starters, and KJV Faith Connections for all 46 chapters — available free at bobrichleyauthor.store.

Who Am I? Discovering Identity as a Child of God

Winding path through colorful rolling hills toward a radiant sunset

Who Am I

Once I thought I was an athlete.
I ran cross country and track.
I won awards and races.
I saw pleasure on many faces.
Now, being old, I can no longer run.
Who I thought I was has become undone.

Once I thought I was a developer of code.
I wrote programs that people used and praised.
People were delighted and amazed.
Now, retired, I no longer code and write.
Who I thought I was has taken flight.

Accolades and praise, applause and awards
Are what I sought, gained and lost.
For what I thought was my identity,
Is now gone, so who am I now?
For all I thought I was, I disavow.

I am not a writer.
A writer is what I do,
Not who I am

I am not a man,
A man is my sex.
It is not who I am.

I am not a father.
I produced, and now I raise my kids,
But it is not who I am.

So who am I?
If I'm nothing I do?
If I'm not my attributes or appearance?

The answer comes from the one.
Who created me to be his son.
In the image of God was I made
It is my identity that will never fade.

I am a child of the Most High God
In him is my identity and whom I laud.
I am his beloved son in whom he is well pleased.
It is by his love my soul is forever seized.

I am not worthless as I sometimes believe.
I am not what I don't do or fail to achieve.
I am of the highest value to the only one.
I am a prince of the king, his beloved son.

We’ve had a consistent message at church and at a men’s retreat. God has been reminding us of our identity. We are not worthless, but worthy; not unloved, but unconditionally loved. We need to release our shame and embrace who we are. We need to walk in our true identity as a child of God.