In our home, I do more of the dishes, bake with our girls, and vacuum. We both cook, but my wife prefers to do most of the cooking. My wife is Filipino, and food is a love language in the Philippines, so when she cooks, she is telling me she loves me. I’ll make the bed, but she does a far better job than I. She does expect me to be a “handyman,” but I’m terrible at it, and she knows it. She’s much better at assembling prepacked-assembly-required furniture than I am.

My wife does expect me to lead the family in decisions, but I want us to agree on decisions. I don’t want to dictate what we do. We need to strive to be one, that is, of one mind guided by the Holy Spirit.

Men and women share equal dignity, worth, and standing before God. Within that equality, Scripture describes different roles — not a hierarchy of value, but a difference in function, like the Trinity itself. Husbands are called to be loving, sacrificial leaders. Wives are to be respectful and supportive. However, respect should be earned by the man, not demanded.

Misogyny is the hatred of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women or girls and has NO PLACE in a Christian home. Evangelical Complementarianism does not support misogyny in any way. Misogyny is unbiblical. Anyone using the doctrine of Evangelical Complementarianism to justify misogyny is wrong, dead wrong.

The Husband’s Role

I’ve written and spoken about husbands loving their wives as Christ loves the church. Jesus set the example of leadership and love. He washed his disciples’ feet. At our wedding, I washed my wife’s feet to demonstrate and to commit to the kind of leader I wanted to be in our home.

Ephesians 5 doesn’t tell husbands to have affection for their wives. It doesn’t tell us to lord it over them to get what we want, but rather tells us to love them as Christ loved the church.

Without God’s Spirit in us, that example sets an unattainable benchmark, since Christ sacrificed himself for the church. Do we sacrifice for our wives? Do we give our life, our time, and our resources for our family, or do we demand our own ways to please ourselves? Demanding our own way is getting awfully close to misogyny.

Paul writes:

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” — Ephesians 5:25

Gave himself means he gave up his power and humbled himself even to death on a cross. That’s the standard. We are to sacrifice for our wives, give up what we want, give our time, give our energy, and give our lives.

He gave Himself for us.

So when Paul tells husbands to love their wives like Christ loved the church, he is calling us to something much deeper than saying “I love you” or bringing home flowers occasionally.

He is calling us to self-sacrificial love.

Jesus sacrificed Himself for us.

He gave up His rights and put our needs ahead of His own comfort. He came to serve rather than to be served. “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.” Philippians 2:5-7

That is the opposite of selfishness. Selfishness is one of the greatest enemies of marriage. It’s not our way or our wives’ way. It’s God’s way. We give up our desires for our wives and ultimately for God.

What does my wife need from me?

Ephesians 5:21 says:

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

Notice this is also directed at husbands. We both have to have an attitude of submission and put our spouses’ needs and desires ahead of our own.

“Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant.” Matthew 20:25-27

Jesus pointed to Himself as the example. He did not come to be served but to serve and to give His life. Just before He died, He washed His disciples’ dirty feet. This task belonged to the lowest servant, yet the God of the universe humbled Himself to perform this most menial and unpleasant job.

Service is Christian Leadership

A husband isn’t supposed to use his position to boss his wife around until he gets what he wants. That’s misogyny. He is supposed to use his position to serve his wife. It goes against our human nature. I want my own way; after all, I think my way is best. Without God’s help, I would be a terrible, selfish husband. I don’t want to be selfish, but I naturally am, so I pray that God will help me to know and do his will in my marriage. When we make a decision, we always pray, “Not my way, not my wife’s way, but your way, God.”

If Jesus gave up his divine privileges to live as a man among us, we should follow his example. We, as men, need to give up what we want to do to do what is best for our family.

Leadership in a Christian home begins with sacrifice.

Earn her respect. Don’t demand it.

If you want your wife to respect you, become a man worthy of respect. Respect is not demanded; it is not a right. Respect must be earned.

To earn respect, husbands need to

• Be faithful.
• Do the right thing when nobody is watching.
• Keep your promises.
• Admit when you’re wrong.

When you are wrong or when you hurt your wife, confess it.

James 5:16 says: “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”

When you’ve hurt your wife intentionally or unintentionally, she is hurting.

• Don’t defend yourself.
• Don’t explain away what you did.
• Don’t say, “I’m sorry, but…”

Admit what you did.

“I was wrong.”

“I hurt you.”

“Please forgive me.”

Confession doesn’t make you weak. It is one of the ways God brings healing.

Marriage is about becoming one.

All of this — sacrifice, service, confession, listening — has one goal: the two becoming one.

Ephesians 5:31 says:

“The two will become one flesh.”

Jesus prayed for His followers to experience this kind of unity:

“I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one.” — John 17:21

Prayer can help us pursue that oneness. Prayer isn’t only about talking. We should also listen to God and to each other. I try to do an ancient practice called Lectio Divina. It is listening to God through the reading of Scripture. You listen for a word or phrase that God is speaking through the verses being read. After hearing the word or phrase, you meditate on its meaning, think about it, and then respond with prayer.

Listening to God

Jeremiah 33:3 says:

“Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.”

Jesus said:

“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.” — John 10:27

When you pray with your wife, don’t just tell God what you want.

Listen.

• Ask God what He wants.
• Ask Him what He wants you to change.
• Ask Him how you can love your wife better.

And then be willing to obey.

Listen to Your Wife

One of the simplest—and sometimes hardest—ways to love our wives is to listen. Listening is not just hearing words; it is understanding the meaning, the feeling, and the purpose behind them.

First Peter 3:7 tells husbands to live with their wives “in an understanding way.”

Understanding requires more than hearing words. It requires listening to understand. I can hear what my wife says without actually understanding what she means. You need to feel what she feels and think what she thinks.

Your wife isn’t an obstacle standing between you and what you want. She is the woman God gave you to love. Listen to her.

I’ve had to learn to listen to my wife. We are from different countries with different cultures and languages. Her primary language is not English. I can easily misunderstand her simply because she uses the wrong English word. I have to stop and ask what she means. Sometimes it is difficult for her to explain what she means, and it can be frustrating for both her and me. It is not an easy road, and one we are still traveling. I am not perfect in understanding her, but I try to make progress.

Your Wife May Be Hearing from God

God may choose to speak to you through your wife. He did for me.

Once we were going to build a room in our basement, but my wife had a conversation with God about building a bathroom instead. When she told me, I thought she was crazy. We had a contractor coming over to build a room that day, and I had all-day training.

I knew we needed the bedroom because my parents were going to visit that year and we had a new person with intellectual disability living in what was one of the girls’ rooms. The girls were consolidated into one room.

Well, my wife was right. The contractor came when I had a break in the training and agreed to do the bathroom. The room became available when my parents visited because we had not yet signed a contract to care for the person in the room. She was considered a respite person, and the room didn’t belong to her. When the contract was signed, the room became hers, and we could no longer use it ourselves. Since she was considered respite, not permanent, we were able to use her room while she stayed in another home. In short, God knew what we needed before we did. My wife heard it. I almost didn’t listen.

Listening doesn’t mean assuming your wife is always right. It means being willing to consider that she might hear something you don’t or have a perspective you can’t see.

Real Leadership

Leadership in the home is never about getting your way. Leadership is service, earning respect, and listening.

I am still becoming this kind of leader. I fail more than I’d like to admit. But the standard isn’t perfection — it’s direction. The question isn’t whether I’m the perfect husband. It’s whether I’m moving toward the one I’m called to be.