I love my wife. When she is hurting, I hurt. The most difficult days for me are when her mood is not good. My wife is very emotional. I’ve known and appreciated that about her since we first met. I traveled to the Philippines to meet her. When I left for home, she cried.

Yesterday was a difficult day. My wife was hurting. She felt stressed. She wanted to cry. When she feels this way, there is little I can do. I don’t have all the answers. We’ve been married thirteen years, and when she feels this way, I still do not know what to do. Mostly, I have to let her feel what she feels until her mood changes.

What happened

The day prior, my wife attended a 50th Birthday party for her friend. My kids and I did not attend. We had already been to two parties that weekend and were partied out. My oldest daughter also had homework and needed my help.

My wife and I have disagreed since the early days of our marriage on two things regarding our health. I want to eat healthy, which includes avoiding sugar and eating organic food. My wife says that the organic food is too expensive for our budget. She also takes care of three people with intellectual disabilities in our home. They have their own eating habits. I also prefer to avoid medication. Most medications mask symptoms but don’t help our body heal. My wife prefers to comfort us by taking away the symptoms.

When I went on the Whole 30 diet a few years ago, my wife had a problem. She was hurt and stressed about the diet. I did not understand why. Thankfully, we went to a marriage retreat when I started. We were able to ask questions. I explained my situation, and the pastor said something that made a huge difference. He was familiar with the Philippian culture. He told me food was their love language. My wife shows me love when she cooks. She was stressed because she didn’t know how to cook for me on the new diet.

I started reading a new book, Food Isn’t What It Used To Be, by Christine Andrew. I’ve read some of the material to my wife. This added to her stress. I offered to do the grocery shopping and to do more cooking. I think this also conflicted with her love language. She also began to worry about our budget.

My wife felt left and abandoned when we didn’t attend the Birthday celebration. She felt stressed about the cost of organic food and about meeting her clients’ food demands.

Handling the Mood

I have written about loving your wife as Christ loves the church. At our men’s retreat last year, I spoke about loving your wives. When my wife is in a bad mood, I do NOT know what to do or how to love her properly. After thirteen years of marriage, it is still a learning process.

I have learned a few things NOT to do.

1. Don’t argue with her. There’s no point in reasoning with her. She’s filled with negative emotion, and nothing I say will make sense or change her feelings. In fact, she will feel worse.
2. Don’t repeat anything I said that helped trigger her mood. This only reminds her. It doesn’t help.
3. Don’t try to justify anything I did. She won’t hear or understand if I do. It doesn’t help.

I made all of those mistakes in the past and a few times yesterday. It seems I haven’t fully learned my own lessons.

By the end of the day, her mood did improve, but not because of anything I did or said.

I have learned SOME things to do.

1. I clean the house and remove messes. Messes stress out my wife, and when she is in a bad mood, they compound the negative feelings.
2. I embrace her often. Her love language is affection. Affection helps…sometimes. If she’s mad at me, then touch doesn’t help.
3. I pray. I talk to God about her feelings and mine. I ask for the “peace that surpasses all understanding.” – Philippians 4:7
4. I listen. I listen to her. I listen to God. She needs to express her feelings, and I need to hear God’s wisdom.
5. Let her leave. I’ve learned that sometimes she needs to get away. It helps her to be alone and process her feelings.

Yesterday, I did something that seemed to help. I think God must have inspired it. I offered to take her for a walk. We just walked around the neighborhood. It helped. We talked about plans to see the Autumn leaves.

Aftermath

I’m not a perfect husband. My wife admits to not being a perfect wife. We do not have a perfect marriage. We are both growing in Christlikeness. Yesterday was a reminder that we are not perfect and we need to grow.

The wonderful thing is always the aftermath. We express love more afterward. Our love gets stronger. We apologize, and we forgive, and we move on better than we were.

Reflection Questions

What do you do when your spouse is in a bad mood?

Do you have any advice? I’d love to read suggestions.