Practical Ways To Love Your Wife

My wife left her country, her family, and all she knew to come and live with me in the USA. She grew up in the Philippines. Family is central to Philippine culture. Being a poor country, families depend on each other. My wife lived in a boarding house with her sister and a cousin; whoever had a job paid rent and bought food. For my wife to leave her family was a huge sacrifice.

When we began our life together, I understood her sacrifice. When I went to work, I left her alone. She had no friends, no family; she was alone. I knew I had to do something to let her know she was loved and help her feel loved. I decided to leave a hidden love note (though in an obvious, easy-to-find place).

This was the beginning of my journey of intentionally loving my wife. I decided I would do things to show I loved her intentionally. I was not going just to let life happen.

Attitude of Love

It begins with an attitude of love. Love is not merely a feeling; it is a choice. It requires intentional action, intentional decision, and intentional sacrifice.

I woke up every day deciding to love my wife regardless of mood, energy level, or circumstances. As things happened throughout the day, good or bad, I would choose love. If I felt irritated, frustrated, or upset, I would choose love.

My wife certainly has moods. I knew before I married her that she was very emotional. When I left the Philippines after visiting her for the first time face-to-face, she cried. 

Her moods are not always pleasant. When the house is a mess and she’s stressed, she can be very cranky and upset. I could respond with anger and frustration, or I could be gentle and loving. I chose gentle and loving.

Love Languages

I’m blessed in that both of our primary love languages are affection. When we met in the Philippines, we hugged; we held hands when eating (which made eating a little challenging). I had promised her I would not kiss her on the lips until we were married, but I would kiss her often on the cheek or hand. Immediately, I knew she spoke my love language: affection.

I had read The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. Before my wife and I married, we read that book together. We needed to know not only our primary love language, affection, but also our secondary one. We also needed to know how to communicate in all five love languages.

The five love languages are:

1. Words of affirmation: This is verbal or written communication. In other words, expressing love, appreciation, encouragement, or admiration to your wife. For example, “I’m proud of you,” “I love the way you look at me,” or writing little love notes. My love notes to my wife, which I leave every weekday morning, affirm who she is and how much I appreciate her. The notes often repeat what I’ve said before. It doesn’t matter. She needs to read them again.
2. Acts of service: This love language is doing helpful or thoughtful deeds to show your wife you care about them. For example, you might run errands, cook a meal, do chores, or handle tasks they would normally handle when they are overwhelmed. When my wife is especially overwhelmed and cranky, I purposely help clean the house, arrange things neatly, and vacuum. Eliminating the mess helps her stress.
3. Receiving gifts: This involves giving and receiving thoughtful gifts to your wife. The gift doesn’t have to be expensive or even cost money, but the item’s action and significance need to express love. For instance, bringing home your wife’s favorite takeout, making her art, buying her favorite flowers, or remembering special occasions with a card or gift. This is my least favorite love language. Though I’m good at giving gifts, I’m not so good at receiving them. How I receive gifts is as important as how I give them.
4. Quality time: The emphasis on this love language is on spending quality time together without distractions, rather than simply sharing physical space. Sitting on the couch watching TV is not quality time. True quality time is about giving your wife your undivided, focused attention, such as scheduling time alone together, going on date nights, or taking a walk or a trip together. This is the time to listen to your wife and understand her and her feelings.
5. Physical touch: This involves showing your love and affection through closeness and touch, such as hugs, gentle massages, cuddling, kissing, or holding hands. These physical touches should not have any ulterior motive. The touch should express genuine, unselfish love. My wife and I often embrace. I kiss her frequently on the cheek and lips.

We need to know our wife’s love language and be sure to express the primary and secondary love languages frequently; however, all five need to be expressed.

Sacrifice

But knowing love languages is only the beginning. The deeper, more important, and difficult call is to love sacrificially — to give yourself up the way Christ gave himself up.

Paul wrote, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,” in Ephesians 5:25

Gave himself means he gave up his power and humbled himself even to death on a cross. Wow. That’s an impossible benchmark to reach as a mere human. But with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). We must rely on the Holy Spirit to love our wives sacrificially.

Jesus didn’t love us because we deserved it. He didn’t love us because we always treated Him well. Nor did he love us because we made His life easy.

He gave Himself for us.

So when Paul tells husbands to love their wives like Christ loved the church, he is calling us to something much deeper than saying “I love you” or bringing home flowers occasionally.

He is calling us to self-sacrificial love.

When I’m tired, and my wife needs me to do something, it’s not the time to complain and rest. I need to get up and meet her needs.

There have been many times when I wanted something, I wanted my way, but I had to do what my wife wanted, not because she’s “the boss,” but because her needs should outweigh my needs and desires.

I don’t like parties. I’m an introvert and prefer to hide in a corner and be alone. My wife loves parties. It’s a chance to connect with her Philippine community. So, against my wishes, I attend parties – not all of them, but certainly most. I’ve not always gotten it right. You can read of a time when I got it wrong here.

Read the Word Together

Ephesians 5:26 speaks of Christ cleansing the church “by the washing with water through the word.”

The Word of God is central to our marriages. My first online dates with my wife-to-be were a Bible Study of 1 Corinthians 13. We discussed how God has shown these attributes of love, since God is love.

We’ve purposely been in the Word together every day since.

Start simple.

• Read the Bible together.
• Pray together.
• Talk about what you are learning.

In our family, we have found value in having different but set times for God’s Word. My wife and I each spend time reading Scripture privately. We also read the Bible together. And we read the Word and do devotions with our children. I wrote a blog about how we are intentional about a few things, especially devotion time. The important thing isn’t creating the perfect devotional routine. The important thing is making God’s Word part of the life of your marriage and family.

A husband shouldn’t simply tell his family what God says.

He should be listening to God himself.

Know Your Wife

Women are very different from us. They think often from their emotions and are naturally nurturing and caring. Women statistically use many more words than men. My wife is from a different country with a different culture. Understanding her as a woman and as a Filipino is challenging. I’ve had to learn her culture and accept things that were different and uncomfortable for me.

First Peter 3:7 tells husbands to live with their wives “in an understanding way.”

Understanding requires more than hearing words. It requires listening to understand. I can hear what my wife says without actually understanding what she means. You need to feel what she feels and think what she thinks.

Know and Care For Her as You Would Yourself

“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” — Ephesians 5:28

Then he says:

“No one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body.”

Of course, we know ourselves and our needs, and naturally take care of ourselves.

• When we’re hungry, we eat.
• When we’re tired, we rest.
• When we’re cold, we find warmth.
• When something hurts, we do something about it.

Paul says husbands should care for their wives in the same way.

That means we need to know our wives. This requires us to pay attention and see her struggles. Know when she’s tired and frustrated and do something about it. Ask questions in your own way, or ask her directly.

• What does she need?
• What makes her life more difficult?
• What would make her day easier?
• Where can I help?

Sometimes loving your wife means doing something she normally does.

Loving a Filipino Woman

It is obvious when my wife is in a bad mood. Sometimes the trigger is obvious: she’s tired, the house is a mess, the kids didn’t listen. Sometimes, it’s not so obvious. I admit I don’t always know what to do. Sometimes she needs an embrace, and sometimes she doesn’t. I’ve learned to tell the difference. Often, she needs me to do more chores and help her so she doesn’t feel overwhelmed. Sometimes, she needs me to speak to the kids about their behavior, so I do. She’ll tell me sometimes, but not always. I have to see the need myself.

I know I need to pray because I don’t always have the answer. One particularly bad day, I could not think of what to do. My wife was clearly upset with me, and I didn’t know why. Eventually she told me, but it didn’t help. I didn’t know what to do to improve the situation, so I prayed. God gave me the answer. I needed to go for a walk with my wife. I offered, she accepted, and she felt much better. Thank God.

In the Filipino culture, food is a loving language. At these parties, which I don’t really want to attend, there is more than enough food for everyone. Everyone is expected to take food home with them. Doing this is expressing love. This felt uncomfortable to me at first, until I realized it was part of the culture. I had to accept this cultural norm and become comfortable with it.

I’m still learning about my wife, and the more I learn, the more I love her.

Love Always

These are just a few ideas and examples from my family. They may work for you or not. You have to know your own wife and family, and find practical ways to love your wife.

Whatever you do, however you do it, be intentional. Don’t just sit back and let life happen. Decide every day, every moment to love your wife. Think consciously about how to love her best. Pray and listen to God. He will show you the way.

Sometimes loving your wife looks like giving her flowers. Sometimes it looks like vacuuming the house. And sometimes — on the days when you don’t know what to do and you pray and listen — it looks like a walk. Whatever it looks like in your marriage, do it on purpose. Love is not something that happens. It’s something you intentionally decide.