When I was single, I’d hear messages on marriage and family and sigh. Not another one. I went to Promise Keepers events and heard messages on loving your wife and raising kids, and I’d sigh again. When will they speak to a single man? Now I’m married, and here I am writing about marriage and family. So before I do that again, I want to speak directly to the single man — because I was one for 47 years, and during that time, I longed to hear messages addressed to me.

I met my wife at 46. Before that, I felt lonely. I felt unworthy of a woman. I was sinning sexually and sometimes wondered if God was punishing me. He was shaping me into the man I need to be. He was lovingly disciplining me, and he hasn’t stopped now that I’m married. In fact, he has a great tool at his disposal, namely my wife.

As a single man, he used friends, parents, accountability partners, and ministry leaders to train, teach, and prepare me for the future God had planned for me.

Honest About the Struggle

I admit I wasn’t very patient with God when it came to finding a wife. I got angry at some of the messages I heard on sex. “If you wait until you’re married, you’ll have great sex.” Much good that did me. It didn’t help me wait. It angered me. I also heard that sex was a great stress reliever. As a single man in his thirties, I found that message more frustrating than helpful.

I did things I wasn’t proud of while I was single. I remained celibate — but I wasn’t pure because I battled lust, and I needed help. Joining recovery groups was one of the most important decisions I made. These were men fighting the same battles. They lifted me when I fell and reminded me I was forgiven and loved.

I never got drunk or used drugs. I didn’t pressure the women I dated or cross lines with them. My father taught me to treat women with respect, and he modeled it. But lust was my battle, and pretending otherwise helped no one.

Satan knows our weakness as men. He puts it in front of us relentlessly, no matter how hard we try to avoid it. And when we fall, the temptation is to isolate ourselves, especially when shame is involved. Don’t. Get brothers around you. Paul had Silas and Timothy. Moses had Aaron and Joshua. You need men who will tell you the truth, listen to you, and stay anyway.

My accountability partners loved me and accepted me in my fallenness. They lifted me out of the mud and mire of shame. We helped each other. If they fell or were tempted, I was there for them as they were there for me.

Be Involved

Kids have always had my heart. One of the hardest parts of being single was carrying a passion for children with none of my own — so I did something about it. I surrounded myself with kids.  For over a decade, I volunteered in a ministry serving kids from broken families, filling that gap. I spent time playing with single moms’ children, spending time with nieces and nephews, becoming a father figure to kids who needed one. That work mattered to them, and it mattered to me.

Widows got some of that time too. Being single meant having margin to give, and the “Widow’s Parties” became a tradition. I invited single male friends with one rule: bring a widow as your date. We had a blast playing games, eating meals, and attending concerts. Those women felt seen, and honestly, so did we.

Spend Time With God and Others

One of the luxuries I had as a single was time. I was busy, but by choice. I had no kids’ practices to drive to and no homework to help with. My time was my own.

The best thing I did with it was get quiet with God. I rented rooms in a convent a few times for personal retreats — reading Scripture and Christian books, journaling, and praying. There was a park nearby with a sidewalk around a lake. I’d walk it for hours, praying, and sitting on a bench to read and write. Those were some of the richest stretches of my life and drew me close to God.

When I lived near Chicago, I attended church singles groups where I met other singles and had Bible lessons and discussions. We also had many fun outings. And it wasn’t just singles groups. I was part of small groups of mixed couples and singles. I had a group of married friends with children whom I spent much of my time with. We’d gather after church for a meal, impromptu Bible discussions, and general fellowship. We also had picnics together, and I watched one family’s boys go-kart race. It was Koinonia (loosely translated to fellowship, communion, or shared life). It was more than just talking. We did life together.

When I moved to Colorado, one of my favorite things to do was running, biking, or hiking the mountain trails. This was my personal time with God. I would pray, read psalms of praise, and spend time knowing God through His creation.

Accountability and fellowship didn’t stop when I moved. I made new friends, joined new groups, and remained accountable.

Singleness Is Not a Disease

When I was single, I was constantly bombarded with questions and reactions wondering why I was still single, as if I had some disease whose only cure was marriage. It was frustrating.

If you want to be married and you’re not, I’m not going to tell you it’s easy. It isn’t. I won’t pretend there’s some secret formula for contentment, because I never found one. I was content at times. Not always. One thing I learned from Focus on the Family was not to focus on what you don’t have. Adam and Eve had a whole garden of fruit-bearing trees. What did they do? They focused on the one tree they couldn’t have. When we focus on what we don’t have, we are miserable. Paul reminds us always to be thankful (1 Thessalonians 5:18). When we are thankful for what we have and who we are, we are more content.

What I did find while single was fulfillment — in friendships, in serving kids and families, in my relationship with God. It was never a straight line. I fell. I got hurt. There were highs and lows. And I’ll tell you honestly: now that I’m married, it’s the same. The journey is still hard. Life is still a rough road — but with real joys along the way.

Paul said he learned to be content in whatever state he was in (Philippians 4:11). Learned. It wasn’t automatic for him either. It won’t be for you. But it is possible — and you don’t have to wait until you’re married to start.