I didn’t set out to be shaped by books. I just kept reading the ones that found me at the right moment — usually because I needed exactly what was on the page, whether I knew it or not. A PBS lecture that stopped me in my tracks as a teenager. A book on grace I picked up during a season of shame. A book on awe that made me change churches. A book on marriage I read before I even had a ring to give.

These six books didn’t just inform me — they formed me. Each one met me somewhere specific: in my performance-driven false self, in my temper, in my faith gone lukewarm, in my understanding of what it means to love someone for a lifetime. I’ve included a short summary of each book, followed by the ideas that resonated most and how they actually changed the way I think, believe, and live.

This isn’t a list of books I merely enjoyed. It’s a record of the ones that left a mark.

LOVE – Leo Buscaglia

A warm, philosophical meditation on what it means to truly and unconditionally love others and yourself. Buscaglia argues that love isn’t a fixed resource but grows the more it’s given away, and he pushes readers to live with more openness, vulnerability, and joy. He was inspired to write this as a result of a student committing suicide.

My parents called me into the family room, saying, “Bob, you need to see this.” Leo Buscaglia was giving a lecture on PBS. I was mesmerized. He spoke of love and affection in a way that resonated with my spirit. I was only a teenager, but his words and stories impacted me. I later bought and read his book, “Love.” I consumed it.

What Resonated

• Love is not a limited resource — the more you give, the more you have.
  • This mirrored Christ’s teaching and my beliefs as a Christian.
    • Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Luke 6:38
    • Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.  Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. 2 Corinthians 9:6-7
  • Love is not an emotion, but a choice. It is a call to action.
    • Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5. These are not words of emotion but of action.
    • For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her. Ephesians 5:25. Notice Jesus gave up his life. He chose to give, to sacrifice. Husbands are called to do the same/
• Self-love is a prerequisite for loving others well, not selfishness.
  • This one I disagreed with. Jesus did say we are to love others as we love ourselves. Mathew 22:39. This does not imply we love ourselves first. It means we naturally do what is good for ourselves, so we must also do good to others.
  • I do agree that love is not selfish. It is other-centered.
• Vulnerability and openness are essential; fear and self-protection kill connection.
  • Love can’t exist without trust. We gain trust when we are open and vulnerable. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. James 5:16
  • There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear expects punishment. 1 John 4:18.
• Love should be active and expressed, not just felt privately.
  • Love is not a feeling. Feelings we can guard, hide, and refuse to express. Real love is outward. It is expressed by giving to the other.
• Children/people learn to love by being loved unconditionally.
  • This one pulls at my heart because I love children and have actively tried to help them all my adult life as a ministry leader, as a single man playing with fatherless children, as a “Big Brother” to a teen and now as a father.
  • We set the example of unconditional love for kids. They learn by observing what we do and how we treat others.

ABBA’s Child – Brennon Manning

A tender exploration of identity rooted in God’s unconditional love. Manning contrasts the “impostor” self we build out of fear and performance with the true self God already accepts, drawing on his own struggles with addiction and shame.

No book has impacted me more than this one. I’ve read it multiple times and given copies to friends. It speaks to my heart more than any book I’ve read.

What Resonated

• Most people live as an “impostor” — a false self built on performance, image, and approval
  • This resonated with me because my false self is also built on performance. I want to look good. I play to an imaginary audience rather than the audience of one (God).
  • “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10. To truly be devoted to Christ, we don’t aim to please people.
• The true self is the one already loved and accepted by God (“Abba,” meaning intimate Father)
  • I need to live in this acceptance that God loves me, not my performance.
  • God so loved ME that he gave his only begotten son. John 3:16.
• Shame and fear of unworthiness drive people into hiding and self-protection.
  • I lived with a besetting sin for years that I was ashamed of. I lived in a cycle of shame, repentance, and sinning more.
  • It took years, but God delivered me.
  • I still struggle with shame and unworthiness, so I have to remind myself of the gospel.
• Grace means being loved before and despite failure, not because of achievement.
  • I’ve been so programmed by the merit system of the world and how achievement is awarded, that it is hard to accept this.
  • But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
• Manning uses his own struggles with alcoholism to show grace applies even in relapse and weakness.
  • I had my own struggles too. I had to accept grace with every relapse and weakness.
  • “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.”
• Recovering identity as God’s beloved child breaks the cycle of striving.
  • I need to live in the identity as God’s believed son.
  • I often remind myself that I too am a Beloved son in whom God is well pleased. Mathew 3:17. When God sees me, he sees Jesus because Jesus paid the price, so that it is as if I never sinned and as if I’ve always obeyed. I have the righteousness of Christ. “But to him who does not work but believes on Him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is accounted for righteousness,” Romans 4:5.
  • I Am the Righteousness of God In Christ

The Awe of God – John Bevere

Bevere makes the case that modern faith has lost a healthy sense of reverence for God, and that recovering “the fear of the Lord” — awe, not terror — is the missing key to spiritual transformation and intimacy with God.

I changed churches after reading this book. It impacted me so much. It challenged some beliefs I had. It opened me up to experiences I never had. The changes I made after reading the book increased my spiritual growth to the next level.

What Resonated

• Modern Christianity has lost the “fear of the Lord” and replaced it with casual familiarity.
  • I think the American church is too similar to the church in Laodicea. We’ve lost our passion for Christ and the gospel. We’ve lost our fire. Like the church in Laodicea, we are neither cold nor hot. Revelation 3:14
  • I, too, have been lukewarm. Though I’ve always served in the church, read my Bible and devoted myself to prayer, I lost my passion, my fire.
  • After reading the book, I got it back.
• Fear of the Lord ≠ terror — it’s reverence, wonder, and awe at God’s holiness.
  • I’ve always understood that the fear of God was not being afraid of him. As John Bevere put it, it is the fear of being separated from him.
  • It’s being in awe of who he is and his amazing grace.
• This awe is described in Scripture as “the beginning of wisdom.”
  • When we see God for who he is and ourselves for who we are, we realize we are not wise. Only God is wise and we need his insight.
  • Proverbs 9:10 states that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”. Bevere explains that this is the entry point. Just as a physical key opens a door, cultivating a reverent awe for God gives access to divine discernment, insight, and a purposeful life.
• Loss of awe leads to compromise, shallow faith, and diminished transformation.
  • If we don’t see God for who he is, we are more prone to the temptations and allurements of the world. We will compromise for our own pleasure. Our faith won’t move mountains; it will shrink back in fear of “giants.”
  • When we are stuck in a rut or worse, moving backward, we are not transformed. God desires us to be transformed, to be remade in his image.
• Recovering awe restores intimacy with God rather than distancing from Him.
  • This is what I long for. After reading this book, I realized I lacked real intimacy and the manifest presence of God we all long for.
  • Reading this gave me a fervent hunger for God’s presence. I’m beginning to experience him in new ways and it is amazing.
• Awe should shape everyday choices, not just religious moments.
  • We pray more and more, “Thy will be done.”
  • We want every thought, every action, and every decision to be in line with God’s will now more than ever.

The Meaning of Marriage – Timothy Keller (with Kathy Keller)

A theological and practical look at marriage as a vehicle for spiritual growth rather than personal fulfillment alone. The Kellers weave in their own 30+ years together to argue that self-giving love, not compatibility, is what makes marriages thrive.

Before we were married, my wife-to-be and I read this book together. It has benefited our marriage in more ways than I can count. It defined the entire purpose and trajectory of our union.

What Resonated

• Marriage’s purpose is spiritual growth and holiness, not personal happiness alone Culture’s “soulmate” model (find your perfect match) sets marriage up to fail.
  • Defining the purpose of marriage set the whole course of our marriage. It’s not about making each other happy. It’s about helping each other grow in Chirstlikeness.
  • This helps me see my and my wife’s faults as tools to help each other grow rather than annoyances that need to change.
  • It’s not my job to change my wife’s fault. My job is to surrender my faults to God so he changes me.
• Marriage is fundamentally about self-giving love, modeled on Christ’s sacrificial love.
  • Marriage is not about getting what I want. It’s about giving to my wife and kids what they need.
  • Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Ephesians 5:25
• Both spouses are flawed sinners — friction is normal and even useful for growth.
  • Seeing each other as flawed and knowing friction is normal and USEFUL is key to working though the friction and flaws.
  • When there is friction, we need to pray.
• Gender roles/complementarity are addressed from a traditional theological lens
  • My wife is from the Philippines, so she wants male leadership, but that doesn’t mean I lord it over her to get my way. I must surrender to God’s way and lordship if I’m going to make decisions that are best for my family.
  • The greatest among you shall be your servant. Matthew 23:11
  • We strive for oneness in our marriage. When we agree on a decision, we have greater confidence that we are following God’s wil.
• Singleness and marriage are both valid callings; marriage isn’t the ultimate goal of life.
  • I was single for 47 years. I know this. As a single I served in various ministries.
  • Married, we serve individually, together, and as a family.
• Practical sections on sex, roles, and weathering hard seasons together.
  • Central to these is to be other-centered, not self-centered.
  • We live for the pleasure, joy and happiness of the other.

Seven Habits of Highly Effective People – Steven Covey

A classic personal-development framework built around character over quick-fix techniques. Covey’s habits move from self-mastery (be proactive, begin with the end in mind) to interdependence (think win-win, seek first to understand), aiming at lasting effectiveness rooted in principles.

This book impacted me so much that I’ve given presentations at several jobs throughout my career. I do my best to live by these principles still, many decades later.

What Resonated

• Private Victory (self-mastery) comes before Public Victory (relationships)

1. Be Proactive — take responsibility; you choose your response/
   • So many times we react to issues rather than planning our response.
   • Especially when it comes to temptations to do something wrong, I need to decide ahead of time what I will do.
2. Begin with the End in Mind — define your values/mission first.
   • I don’t want to go aimlessly through life.
   • Covey tells us to think about our funeral. What will people say? What will they remember? Choose what you want to be remembered for.
3. Put First Things First — prioritize by importance, not urgency
   • Choose to do what is important. All of us have to do what is urgent and important. We need to plan what is not urgent but important. We should avoid the unimportant but urgent and remove the unimportant and not urgent.
   • In our marriage, we decided to be intentional about a few things that mattered most, like precious one-on-one time, family time, devotional time, less screen time, and more outdoor time.
4. Think Win-Win — seek mutually beneficial outcomes.
   • I know I want what I want and will fight for it rather than considering the other.
   • When I think win-win, I’m also considering what will be beneficial to the other.
   • This is not a compromise, but rather finding the 3rd alternative that both want so both win.
5. Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood — empathetic listening before persuading
   • I know I still fight this. I think in terms of response and defending my own opinion rather than listening to understand.
   • “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” ⁠James 1:19. It agrees with Covey in that we need to actively process what others say rather than hastily formulating our own replies, which helps to prevent misunderstandings and unnecessary conflict.
6. Synergize — collaboration produces more than individual effort.
   • I’m independent. I rarely delegate or seek help. I’m working on changing, because I do need others.
   • When we work together, we accomplish more. Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
7. Sharpen the Saw — continual renewal (physical, mental, social, spiritual)
   • Our family purposly seeks time with God
     • We do family devotionals every evening
     • My wife and I do devotions together and individuall
     • We watch a Christian show like the Chosen every Sunday.
   • We intentionally spend time in God’s Creation by camping, hiking, or a simple walk around the neighborhood.

• Effectiveness is built on character and principles, not tricks or techniques

Unoffendable – Brant Hansen

A challenging, humor-laced case that righteous anger is a myth we use to excuse grudges — and that giving up our “right” to be offended is the path to real peace. Hansen mixes personal stories with a call to radical grace toward others.

I never thought I had an anger issue until I got married. As a single person, I could do what I wanted when I wanted. I could be on time. I didn’t have to consider a family’s schedule. I didn’t have to wait for others.

This book taught me that it is not good to respond in anger. It helped me change my thinking.

What Resonated

• “Righteous anger” is largely a myth people use to justify holding grudges.
  • Jesus’ cleansing of the temple doesn’t justify human anger. God’s anger is qualitatively different from ours. God’s prerogatives don’t become our permissions. John 2:13-17 (note: Scripture never says He was angry)
• We don’t have a “right” to be offended — releasing that right brings peace.
  • I suffer from “Irightus” thinking I’m always right. Because I’m right, I have the right to be mad. Wrong.
  • When we listen to the other side and empathize, we have peace.
  • Read The Other Side
• Holding onto offense hurts the offended person more than the offender.
  • When we hold a grudge, it is we who are in prison, not the person we are holding the grudge against.
  • In Matthew 18:21-35, Jesus tells a parable about a king who forgives a servant a large debt, but that same servant won’t forgive a fellow servant, so the king puts the unforgiving servant in prison. That’s what happens to us when we don’t forgive. We are in a prison of our own making.
• Grace means letting go of the ledger of wrongs, even when someone doesn’t deserve it.
  • We are shown grace. I know I need to remind myself all the time that I am forgiven.
  • When I feel shame, that’s when I want to blame others.
• Being unoffendable doesn’t mean being a doormat — it means responding from peace, not reactivity.
  • Going back to Covey, we are not to be reactive, but proactive.
  • We need to communicate calmly, listening first and understanding the other, the responding.
• Practicing this daily rewires default reactions from anger to grace.
  • Romans 12:2  says to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
  • The more you put something consistently into practice, the sooner it becomes a habit or the norm.

I created a Bible Discussion for my men’s group. You can find it here.

Conclussion

Looking back at these six books together, I notice they’re not really six separate stories — they’re one story told from different angles. Buscaglia taught me love is a choice and an action. Manning taught me I’m loved before I perform. Bevere taught me to approach that love with awe, not casual familiarity. Keller taught me what that love looks like poured into a marriage. Covey taught me the daily discipline it takes to actually live it out. And Hansen taught me to let go of my grip on being right so grace has room to work.

It was enjoyable for me to look back at what I read and how it impacted me. It reminded me that I’m still a work in progress.

None of these books changed me the moment I closed the cover. The change came later — in the ordinary moments where I had to choose patience over irritation, humility over performance, presence over distraction. I’m still practicing most of what I read in these pages. I probably will be for the rest of my life.

If one of these resonated with you, I’d encourage you to pick it up — not to add another book to your shelf, but to let it do to you what it did to me.