Doing Things a Bit Different

I did things differently from many people when I found a wife and got married. I didn’t date my wife-to-be; I courted her. And when we married, we didn’t simply exchange traditional wedding vows. We made a covenant before God.

Courtship meant getting to know more than just a potential mate. I first asked her father’s permission, and I spent time with her extended family so they could get to know me, too.

My wife is from the Philippines, where family gatherings can include a much wider circle of relatives than I was accustomed to. When we went out with her family, twenty or more people might join us. Once, we rented two banana boats and still had to take turns so everyone could ride!

But the most important difference wasn’t how we courted. It was what we believed we were doing when we married.

We knew we couldn’t build a lasting marriage through our own strength alone. We needed God’s help. So, when we married in the Philippines, we signed a covenant before God, trusting Him to guide us and help us keep the promises we made to each other. We knew that what God has joined together no one can separate. Matthew 19:6

What is a Covenant?

In Genesis 15, God confirmed His promise to Abraham by having him cut sacrificial animals in half. Still, only God passed through the pieces, symbolized by a smoking firepot and a flaming torch.

In the ancient Near East, people did not just “make” agreements; they “cut” them. Parties slaughtered animals, split them in half, laid the pieces in two rows, and walked through the middle. Walking through the bloody path was an intense self-cursing oath. It meant, “May this happen to me if I break this covenant.”

After Abraham cut through the pieces of the animals, he fell asleep. Instead of walking with God through the pieces, God walked alone. By walking through alone, God took upon Himself the entire obligation and penalty of the covenant. The fulfillment of the promise depended entirely on God’s faithfulness rather than Abraham’s perfection.

Abraham’s descendants broke the covenant, but God paid the price by sacrificing Himself on the cross.

God makes covenants and keeps them. Other examples are covenants with Noah and David. God promised Noah and his descendants that he would never destroy the earth with a global flood. God promised David that his royal dynasty would never end, which was ultimately fulfilled by Jesus, the Messiah.

A Marriage Covenant

In marriage, a covenant before God means more than making promises to each other. It means inviting God into our marriage, trusting Him to guide us, and depending on His grace as we seek to keep the promises we have made.

God is faithful. We are not perfect. We will misunderstand each other, disappoint each other, and sometimes fail to love each other as we should. That is precisely why we need God’s help.

Signing a covenant didn’t mean that our marriage would require no effort or that we would never struggle. It expressed our commitment to seek God’s will, rely on His grace, and keep growing together in Christlikeness.

I expressed this in a poem:

A Marriage Covenant

"What God has joined together"
Has new meaning for me.
If God brought two together,
They are one and forever will be.

If God did the choosing,
Love is a way and a certainty.
No heart need fear ever losing.
From now and into eternity.

Human bonds are broken,
When vows are only spoken.
A ring becomes a mere token.
Unless the Spirit is awoken.

Human nature is poor and weak.
The Spirit is mighty and strong.
It is His will that we must always seek
If together forever we want to belong.

A covenant is more than an oath.
It is a commitment kept by God above
That binds two upon a path of growth
Clinging to each other, ever increasing in love...

More than a Commitment

Marriage is based on commitment. It is a commitment to love, to sacrifice, and to stay together regardless of the circumstances.

A marriage should and can last forever because Jesus also said, “What God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Mark 10:9)

By signing our covenant with God, we were committed to relying on God. We were married not when we signed a marriage license, but when we signed a covenant before God. Our trust and reliance are in God’s hands. We put our marriage in God’s hands. We asked our friends and family to sign as well and, in doing so, asked them to support our marriage and pray for us. The covenant hangs on our wall and is the most important document in the house. We both believe that it is impossible for us to divorce and for our love to die.

We have been blessed that others have used our covenant for their marriage, and we welcome its use by anyone.

This is the covenant we signed before God, our family, and our friends on our wedding day:

Our Covenant

• I, Robert, promise before God to be a faithful husband to Rubilyn. I will love her as Christ loves the church. I will be a servant leader putting her needs and desires ahead of my own. I will sacrifice my time and very life for her and our family.
• I, Rubilyn, promise before God to be a faithful wife to Robert. I will respect him as my loving servant leader. I will put his needs and desires ahead of my own. I promise to be as well organized, trustworthy, and hard-working as the capable women described in Proverbs 31:10-31. I will care for him and the children entrusted to me, and I will always love and defend him as his supportive companion.
• We, Rubilyn and Robert, commit before God to strive for oneness. We pray that we may be one as the Father, Son and Spirit are one. By God’s grace, we will become one in body, mind, heart and spirit. We vow to be honest and open in our communication. We will be submissive to each other even to the point of adopting the other’s will and desire as our own. We vow that our family will pray, read God’s word, attend church services, and serve our God. We vow to seek God’s will and desire for our life and marriage. To God, our loving Father, we make this covenant agreement with Him and each other.

Rubilyn                    &                    Robert

Before God, our loving Father, we are witnesses to this covenant agreement and commit to pray for and support the marriage of

Rubilyn and Robert.

Applying The Covenant

Differences

I’ve had to learn to listen to my wife. Because we are from different countries with different cultures and languages, and her primary language is not English, I’ve worked to understand her. I can easily misunderstand her simply because she uses the wrong English word. I must stop and ask what she means. Sometimes it is difficult for her to explain what she means, and it can be frustrating for both her and me. It is not an easy road, and one we are still traveling. I am not perfect in understanding her, but I try to make progress.

Because of our cultural differences, I’ve had to learn to do some things the Filipino way. For example, kids often sleep with their parents in the Philippines. When our daughters were babies, they slept in or next to our bed. Now, we sometimes have sleepovers where we allow them to sleep with us.

I’ve learned that food is a love language in the Philippines. At parties, there is more than enough food for everyone, and everyone is expected to take some home. I had to get comfortable with that idea.

Serving

My wife has beautified our home and keeps it well organized. I have learned that my wife gets very stressed when she sees a mess. I clean and organize whenever she needs help, and I recognize that she is much better at those things than I am.

Finances

Since our marriage, we’ve followed Dave Ramsey‘s budgeting plan. We operate on a cash basis and save money. We budget together, and we invest. We’ve paid off our mortgage early and have no debt.

Habits

I’ve had the habit of leaving my wife love notes every weekday morning. (I’ve missed some. I’m not perfectly consistent.) She appreciates those notes. I often say things I’ve said before. It doesn’t matter. She needs to read them again. 

My wife and I each spend time reading Scripture privately. We also read the Bible together. And we read the Word and do devotions with our children. 

I pray with my wife regularly. When we disagree, we pray. When we have decisions to make, we pray. Prayer is a regular part of our lives.

You can read this blog to see how I’ve learned to love my wife, and Christ loves the church.

It’s Not Too Late

If you’re already married, it’s not too late to make a covenant before God. You could do it as part of an anniversary or a renewal of vows — a fresh beginning with the same person, anchored to something deeper than a ceremony or human promises.

If you’re not yet married, don’t wait. Make a covenant with God before you make promises to each other.

Our covenant hangs proudly on our wall. It is the most important document in our house. The marriage license means very little. The covenant is binding.

I’m thankful someone told me about covenant marriage. It has made all the difference for us. Our marriage is not perfect — but God is using it to perfect us, and to make each of us more like Christ.