Having the Hard Conversations: Bigotry, Sexuality, and Substance Abuse

Our world is full of hatred and opposing views. Our families have their own views that we’ve learned from our upbringing and our culture. In my family, we try to filter all points of view through Scripture. Culture often teaches values contrary to Scripture, and it can be difficult to navigate those messages while still teaching our children Scriptural values. My goal is never to dictate to my children what to believe. I want them to think and process for themselves. I pray the Holy Spirit will guide them as they do, and that I would set the right example — because I know my kids will learn more from what I do than from what I say.

I’ve written before about how we engage with the TV and movies we watch — I called it Active Viewing instead of passive viewing. I wrote something similar about Extracting Biblical Truths from Children’s Literature. Those posts share a common thread of intentionality and discussion. In this one, I want to talk about how we have the harder conversations — the ones around countercultural topics like bigotry, LGBTQ topics, and substance abuse.

Start from the Other Side

One of Stephen Covey’s seven habits of highly effective people is to seek first to understand, then to be understood. He was talking about resolving conflict between adults, but I think it applies just as much to conversations with your kids. Before we can guide our children through a hard topic, we need to understand the other side’s perspective ourselves. Understanding is what turns judgment into compassion.

LGBTQ and Sexuality

I spent three years living in a lesbian community. They knew full well that I was a white male evangelical Christian, yet I was accepted. I lived in the basement apartment of a friend from high school — my prom date, actually. She’s a lesbian, but she trusted me, and because she trusted me, her friends trusted me too. I spent those three years trying to understand their culture and their point of view. I wrote about that experience in more depth elsewhere on this blog, but here’s an excerpt:

Having closely interacted with people in the gay community for three years, I’ve seen the anger and the hurt. I’ve been educated about the harm and discrimination inflicted on gay individuals. I understand why Christians are seen as the enemy. Gay people do not see a loving and compassionate Jesus when they observe Christians. They see the church as a powerful political organization that opposes basic human rights.

When Jesus walked the earth, he accepted people as they were. He had no political agenda. He did not fight to overthrow oppressive Rome or free his fellow Jews. He did not condemn individuals. He forgave people and told them to go and sin no more. People were motivated not to sin anymore because they were not condemned, but loved and accepted.

Living alongside that community and hearing their hurt firsthand didn’t just teach me facts — it gave me real compassion. I don’t judge or condemn them. I long for and pray for their salvation, understanding that they are not worse sinners than I am. The only difference is that I know Jesus and rely on him for my own salvation, and I pray they will one day too. I felt strongly enough about this experience that I wrote a poem about it, called The Other Side.

Bigotry and Substance Abuse

I wrote a book to address both of these weighty topics with children. I believe stories are a great vehicle for teaching hard lessons — they show, rather than tell.

In Redeeming Rhubarb, Rhubarb is an alcoholic mouse who hates rats. When one moves into his neighborhood, he’s livid. The book doesn’t tell this story from the perspective of the victim, Barnabas the rat — it’s told from the perspective of the alcoholic bigot himself. That was a deliberate choice, and it’s my own version of seeking first to understand. Rhubarb isn’t just a hateful mouse with a drinking problem. He’s someone who is hurting, who has been hurt, and who was taught to hate before he ever chose it himself.

Ask Questions. Don’t Just Provide Answers.

My oldest daughter’s favorite stuffed animal is a blue dog my lesbian friend gave her. My daughter knows my friend is gay and doesn’t condemn her for it. We talk about LGBTQ topics as a family — we had one of our longest conversations about it while watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager, a show I chose specifically because it portrays the opposite of what I believe about love, sex, and marriage. As I wrote in my Active Viewing post, we asked tough questions: What did the characters do right? What did they do wrong? What messages were we being fed?

Redeeming Rhubarb works the same way. Rhubarb’s path to redemption comes through love and compassion — shown to him and his family by Barnabas, the very rat he hated. A few questions you can use to discuss the book:

• Why do you think Rhubarb hates rats before he’s ever actually been hurt by one?
• What does Barnabas risk by choosing to help a family that despises him?
• Is Rhubarb’s drinking a cause of his bigotry, an excuse for it, or something separate entirely?
• What would it take for you to show kindness to someone who has clearly wronged you or your family?

I have a complete list of potential discussion questions on this site.

Yes, sometimes I do give answers. But I try not to give mine before my children have given theirs. My objective isn’t for them to parrot what I or the world tells them is right — it’s for them to actually think it through.

Consider What the Bible Says

Don’t assume you already know the answer. Pray, and search Scripture to find the truly Godly view, trusting that the Holy Spirit’s job is to lead us into all truth (John 16:13).

It also helps to memorize Scripture so you can speak with its authority. There’s a real difference between saying “I think the Bible says something like…” and being able to quote it word for word. Speaking Scripture directly carries a weight and confidence that summarizing it never quite does, and Scripture itself claims that weight — God’s word doesn’t return to him empty; it accomplishes what he sends it to do (Isaiah 55:11).

But searching Scripture honestly also means being willing to be corrected by it. I’ve been confronted many times in my life with the fact that I was wrong. I was legalistic in my early adult years and had to learn to embrace grace instead. More recently, I’ve been challenged on my beliefs about speaking in tongues, and I’m still working through pre-tribulation, mid-tribulation, and post-tribulation views of the end times. Growth requires change. Don’t be afraid of it.

Admit When You Are Wrong

When you realize you’re wrong, admit it — especially to your children. This isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength. You won’t lose their respect by admitting a mistake. You’ll gain it.

Putting It Together

None of these four habits — understanding the other side, asking before answering, testing everything against Scripture, and admitting when we’re wrong — hand our kids a finished conclusion. That’s on purpose. What I actually want to pass on isn’t a stance on any single issue; it’s a process they can carry into every hard conversation they’ll face long after they’ve left our house. If they learn to seek understanding before judgment, to think before they parrot an answer, to hold Scripture as the final authority, and to hold their own opinions with enough humility to change them — I trust the Holy Spirit to lead them the rest of the way, even into the conversations I never saw coming.