What conflict revealed about me, what I should have done differently, and how my family repaired the damage.

Conflict Happens

I love my wife and my family. We have lots of good times together and share some very special moments. I’m blessed to have a wonderful marriage and two beautiful, talented, and intelligent daughters. However, our family is far from perfect. We have conflicts. We had a conflict recently.

Our girls were off from school, and we thought it would be a wonderful opportunity to do something together as a family, except we didn’t have the budget for dining, entertainment, or shopping. I thought it would be nice to spend some time at home playing a game, reading a story together, or at least watching a movie (admittedly that was my last choice).

Well, none of that happened. Why? Conflict.

What I did Wrong

We could not agree on what to do, and instead of helping us resolve it, I ended up being part of the problem. I wanted to read. One daughter wanted to watch something, and the other wanted to play a game. At one point, at least their mother and one daughter wanted to go out to look around the mall, but I did NOT want that. Like everyone else, I wanted my way and was working to achieve it instead of helping my family.

What I Learned Afterward.

Conflict often happens because each of us wants our own way—or because we have different ideas about what the right way is. We are selfish; however, …

Sometimes conflict isn’t between good and bad intentions. It’s between two good intentions—or between two different visions of what “good” looks like.

We are all different and need to recognize that. We have different experiences and different paradigms. When two or more people are different, conflict is inevitable.

I prefer to avoid conflict altogether, but sometimes that fuels it. Conflict needs to be addressed, not ignored. Ignoring it can allow it to fester because it remains unresolved.

Resolving the Conflict – Four Lessons I Should Have Applied

So, what do we do? How do we resolve conflict? I have a few suggestions that, if implemented, could have helped us resolve our conflict more effectively. I should know better, since I’ve been aware of these four principles for years and have applied them at times.

Listen

I’ve given lectures on Steven Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. One of his principles is to seek first to understand, then be understood. This is Biblical. James 1:19 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

Listening is more than hearing words. It is understanding. It is feeling what the other person feels and knowing why they feel this way. This is active listening:

  Empathy: You feel a fraction of their emotional experience instead of staying detached.

  Curiosity: You wonder why they feel that way, and you replace criticism with open questions like “Tell me more.”

  Presence: You quiet your own ego and stop planning your next response.

When you listen this way, the other person feels safe, valued, and deeply understood.

I didn’t listen to my girls or my wife. I wanted to read because I miss reading to my girls regularly. My girls wanted to be heard and understood. I didn’t acknowledge their feelings. At one point, my oldest was in tears, but I didn’t pay attention. I was angry.

My youngest was annoyed, and my wife was frustrated, but I didn’t acknowledge either of their feelings. I vented mine.

I didn’t stop to ask, “Why are you crying?”  or say to the other two, “You look annoyed and frustrated. What are you feeling?”

I wasn’t present. I left my girls to decide while I did something else. I was trying to avoid the conflict and wasn’t addressing it. It needed to be discussed and resolved.

Ownership

I learned in recovery groups that I must take ownership. This means instead of blaming and pointing out another’s faults, I own my part. I confess what I did wrong. When Adam ate the forbidden fruit in Genesis 3, he blamed Eve. Eve blamed the snake. We’ve been blaming each other ever since. Adam should have taken ownership and acknowledged the issue, and so should we.

I didn’t take ownership the other day. I blamed my daughters for not deciding.  As the husband and father, I had a responsibility to lead better in that moment. I can’t own everyone else’s choices, but I can own mine.

Third Alternative

Covey also talks about the third alternative. This is not a compromise in which both sides get some of what they want. It is finding a new possibility that satisfies the underlying interests even though nobody gets their original proposal.

I needed to reach a third alternative for my family, but I didn’t. All three, my daughters plus my wife, were somewhat in favor of shopping. I was not. We didn’t have a budget for it, and shopping was my least favorite activity. We could have had window-shopping fun. We could have held a contest to find items, or we could have made up a story about the people and places we visited. But I didn’t even try.

Repair

Near the end of the day, we gathered and talked. We listened a little better. One daughter conceded to play a game. We played a game for ten minutes. We could have had hours together.

Once the damage has been done, we shouldn’t leave it there. There were hurt feelings that need mending. We lost quality time that needs to be acknowledged.

I need to do something to repair the damage.

Listen

So, I listened. I listened to both daughters after I asked what we should have done differently. I asked them about their feelings and validated them.

I listened to my wife, who suggested we stop leaving it to the girls. While we both didn’t want hurt feelings, we recognized that it is sometimes impossible to please both girls. While it is good to leave some decisions to them to feel empowered, this wasn’t one of those times.

I acknowledged that we had lost precious time and that I wasn’t good at listening, leading, or making decisions.

Give Sincere Apology and Take Ownership

One of the things I learned in recovery groups is to make amends. This begins with an apology which includes ownership. I apologized. As husband and father, I failed to lead better, and we lost precious family time. This was not the time to blame my wife or daughters, even if they had faults. This was my time to own what I did and be sorry for it.

Acknowledge the Impact

We lost precious time that day that we can never recover. Everyone felt hurt. I was sad that we didn’t have that bonding time. My oldest was in tears. My youngest was sad and annoyed. My wife was frustrated.

Instead of creating happy memories, we created sad ones.

Conflict isn’t necessarily the failure; refusing to listen, take ownership, find another way, and repair the damage afterward is where relationships suffer.

Next Time

We all resolved to do better next time. While we had a significant loss, if we learn from it, we can grow. That is the goal. We want to become more Christ-Like and grow in our character. Turning bad, unpleasant situations into lessons can help us grow.

Our family is not perfect and never will be. We’ve made many mistakes and will continue to do so. However, I know God works all things together for good (Romans 8:28). He is teaching us and conforming us to the image of Christ (Romans 8:29). I want to cooperate with him in the effort as he molds and shapes my family and me.  

Christlikeness isn’t demonstrated by never having conflict; it’s demonstrated in how we respond when conflict exposes our own selfishness, pride, impatience, and failure.