At 46, I was single and didn’t think I’d ever get married. Then, out of the blue, I got an email from a Christian Filipino dating site. I hadn’t been active on the site, but I still had a profile there. As soon as I saw the email, I paid for a membership so I could talk to the beautiful woman who reached out. In my reply, I shared my Yahoo chat contact.

Not long after, I had a sleepless night and got a message from her around midnight. During our first chat, I prayed and typed out a prayer, giving the relationship to God. She was impressed by that. I was tired of trying to do things my own way and failing to win someone’s heart. This time, I wanted God to lead, if that was His plan.

Our first online video “date” was a Bible Study on 1 Corinthians 13. What woman would want to do a Bible Study for a date? The right one did.

A month later, I flew to the Philippines to meet her in person. We both felt sure that God wanted us to marry, and before I left, we got engaged. A year later, we were married. Now, after more than 13 years together, I have no doubt she’s the one God chose for me.

The Meaning of Marriage

I thought marriage was about finding the right person. I’ve learned it is also about becoming the right person.

We learned that marriage isn’t primarily about making each other happy. It’s about helping each other become more like Christ—and as we become more like Christ, we often become better at loving one another and bringing joy to one another.

This helped me see that even the things my wife does that annoy me are ways God shapes me to be more like His Son. I’m more convinced than ever that she’s my true helpmate, because she’s someone I want to be like. I’ve learned so much from her.

My wife teaches me to see others differently

Compassion

My wife is the most compassionate person I know. She cares for people with intellectual disabilities in our home, which takes a truly special person. While I sometimes get annoyed or frustrated by certain behaviors, my wife is able to redirect them with patience. She feels compassion instead of anger or frustration. She understands what they’ve been through and feels for their struggles.

I want to be more like her. I pray for compassion, watch her, and listen to her. I’m amazed by her example. I believe God is using my wife to teach me compassion.

Discipline and Confrontation

My wife and I came from different cultures, so we didn’t always agree about how to raise our children. I’ve learned that disagreement doesn’t necessarily mean one of us is right, and the other is wrong. Sometimes we have to listen, understand where the other person is coming from, and find a way forward together.

I don’t like confrontations, even with my daughters, but sometimes I have to talk to them and explain things my wife wants reinforced. The main issue is neatness and cleanliness. My wife really dislikes messes, and they make her anxious. So, I remind the girls to pick up, organize, and keep things tidy.

I’m learning to have difficult conversations, even when I’m not comfortable. Being slow to anger, quick to listen, and gentle when I need to confront is something that still needs work. I’m trying to live out Proverbs 15:1.

Building Bonds the Philippine Way

When our first daughter was born, my wife wanted her to sleep in our bed. At first, I thought, “no way!” But my wife explained that this is common in Philippine culture and insisted on its benefits. Eventually, I agreed.

This was one of many times my wife was right, and I was wrong. I gave in because I actually enjoy snuggling with a baby, and I could see the benefits of the arrangement.

Eventually, we moved our daughter to a crib, which is more typical in America. If we had been in the Philippines, she probably would have stayed in our bed much longer.

Our next child slept in our room, close to our bed but not in it. As the kids grew, we let them have “sleepovers” with us, which became a special bonding time. Now, at ten and twelve, they still ask for sleepovers.

This was another time God showed me that giving up my way for my wife’s way was, in fact, following His way.

My wife teaches me to see myself differently

Anger

When I was single, I didn’t think I had an issue with anger. Marriage and fatherhood revealed otherwise. Selfishness, I’ve come to realize, is usually the root. When I was single, I could go where I wanted, leave when I wanted, and do what I wanted. Now, I have others to consider. I grow impatient as my family prepares to leave. We get into arguments about what to do and where to go.

My wife is teaching me how to handle anger, because when I don’t handle it well, it moves her to tears. When my wife cries, I’m broken and will do anything to help her feel better. The last thing I ever want to do is to hurt my wife. If she’s hurting emotionally, I do all I can to comfort her.

I’ve learned that I need to listen with understanding. Prayer has become my necessity here. The ask is often the same: make me “slow to anger and abounding in mercy.” (Psalm 103:8 NASB) Help me to be “quick to listen and slow to speak.”(James 1:19 NASB)

I’m learning to adjust my expectations too. My wife always remembers to take the towels and wash them, but she often forgets to put clean ones back. Sometimes I get annoyed when there’s no towel to dry my hands. When that happens, I remind myself it’s not her responsibility to replace them. I can do it myself. If I expect her to do it, I’ll just end up frustrated when it doesn’t happen.

I’ve written extensively about anger in a few blogs. What I Learned About Anger When God Exposed My Heart

Selfishness

Conflict often happens because each of us wants our own way—or because we have different ideas about what the right way is. We are selfish; however, sometimes conflict isn’t between good and bad intentions. It’s between two good intentions—or between two different visions of what “good” looks like.

Sometimes a simple thing such as choosing where to eat out creates conflict. My daughters want to go one place. My wife wants to go to another, and I want to go somewhere other than all three do. One of us has to give in to what the other wants. Once in a while, we can compromise and go to two places that are near each other.

Washing dishes is another cultural difference for us. My wife never had a dishwasher growing up, so she’s used to washing everything by hand. I sometimes feel like it wastes water and takes more time. Instead of demanding my way, I remind myself that this is part of her culture, and if she prefers to wash by hand, there’s no reason to stop her. I could selfishly insist on saving water, but it’s better to let her do what feels right to her. In the end, she’s caring for her family by washing the dishes.

I know when I want my way, I’m being selfish. I can sometimes demand it, and when I do, I hurt my family. Instead, I need to learn to let go of my way and listen for God’s way.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” All your ways include dinner choices. We often pray that God will direct all our decisions, both big and small.

Listening to My Wife is Sometimes Listening to God

Once, we planned to build a room in our basement, but my wife told me she’d talked with God in the middle of the night and thought we should build a bathroom instead. I thought she was crazy. That day, a contractor was coming to build the room, and I had all-day training.

On my morning bike ride, I prayed about it. Even though I thought her idea was wild, if she really heard from God, I needed to talk to Him too.

I knew we needed the bedroom because my parents were visiting that year, and we had someone with an intellectual disability living in what used to be one of the girls’ rooms. The girls had to share a room. My wife was worried there would be conflict over bathroom use.

As it turned out, my wife was right. The contractor came during a break in my training and agreed to build the bathroom. It cost more, but we could afford it.

When my parents visited, we hadn’t yet signed a permanent care contract for the woman in that room, so she was still considered respite, not permanent. That meant the room was available for my parents. After the contract was signed, the room became hers full-time. The bathroom my wife suggested turned out to be the right decision.

Apology and Repair

I’ve been wrong many times and gotten angry at my wife and kids when I should have been patient and understanding. I’ve had conflicts with my wife that we resolved together.

My wife and I are different. We come from different cultures. We have different needs and wants.  She and I  have different experiences and different paradigms. When two or more people are different, conflict is inevitable.

I’ve learned that real listening is more than just hearing words. It’s about staying with someone’s feelings until I really understand them. I try to ask questions instead of thinking about what I’ll say next. I also let her share her experience before I jump in to defend myself.

I’ve learned to take ownership. When I’m wrong, I admit it. My default response is to blame like Adam blamed Eve. When I catch myself doing that, I remind myself what my fault is.

When something is missing in our house, I want to blame my wife. I know she puts things away and sometimes in different places. However, I know I’m equally good at misplacing things. When something is missing, it might be my fault. I have to remember that and not blame my wife. I also have to remember that if she misplaced something, I’ve also done the same.

I’ve written about a time when I got it all wrong in Conflict Ownership and Repair.

Receiving Love

Giving has always come easily to me. Receiving is hard. I love to give. Giving makes me feel good about myself. Luke writes that Jesus said, “It is more blessed to give than receive (Acts 20:35).” I’ve learned that I need to receive, because I hurt my wife by not receiving.

I never liked celebrating my birthday. As a kid, I threw tantrums when birthdays didn’t go as I hoped. In college, I tried to take control of the problem by doing the giving.

Eventually I stopped telling people when my birthday was. If someone found out, I made sure they knew I didn’t want any celebration. I could pour myself into making other people’s birthdays memorable. I did some elaborate and generous things for other people’s birthdays. But my own? I’d rather ignore it.

One time, my wife bought me a gift. It was a gift she thought I wanted because I had told her I needed a way to organize my tools. She brought out the gift, and I didn’t react. I didn’t open it. She was soon in tears, and my heart broke.

My dad gave me advice. He said, “Don’t deny someone who wants to show you love.” I was denying my wife showing me love. Gifts mean nothing to me. I don’t like receiving them, but my wife wanted to give me a gift to show she loved me. I needed to receive that love.

Shame the Root Cause

I’ve come to realize that, for me, not wanting to receive was connected to shame — from not feeling accepted, from feeling unworthy of people’s time and attention. Love breaks that. My wife is breaking my shame by loving me. I never earned my wife’s love. She chose to give it to me. In some ways, that’s a picture of grace. God’s love isn’t something I earned either. I receive it because He chose to give it.

What She’s Still Teaching Me

That last lesson, receiving love I didn’t earn, is the one I never thought I would need. I always saw myself as a giver. My struggles were about anger, selfishness, or needing to listen better, but I didn’t realize shame was at the root. My wife saw it before I did.

That’s what God does through marriage. He puts someone beside you who sees what you can’t see about yourself and still loves you, long enough for you to believe it.

In more than thirteen years together, she has taught me more about compassion, humility, patience, and grace than any book or sermon ever could. She wasn’t trying to teach me; she was living it.

What if the person who sometimes frustrates you is also one of the ways God is showing you who you are—and who He wants you to become? The annoyances, conflicts, and differences may not just be problems to solve. They might be the very classroom God is using to teach us.

My wife wasn’t assigned to me so that I could fix her or even simply make her happy. God has used our marriage to reveal where I still need to become like Christ.