Made in Heaven, But Not Perfect
I just finished watching a movie, A Marriage Made In Heaven. In the movie, a talk show host, Demetri Chicopoulos, is divorced, and his wife is remarried. He says a prayer, and God sends a guardian angel who lets him relive a week of his life. Reminds me of It’s a Wonderful Life and The Family Man. He chooses to relive the week his marriage started to fall apart. He takes a chance to do things better. He makes better choices. He skips rehearsal to pick up his kids from school. He goes to marriage counseling. He treats his wife as someone special.
I chose to watch this movie with my wife because I knew she would like a good Christian Romance. This one delivered. As we were watching, my wife and I realized that we had never reached the point where we needed a second chance to save our marriage. We both know that divorce isn’t an option for us. But that doesn’t mean we’ve always gotten it right.
There are days I wish I could live over. There are days I know I didn’t do things right. There are moments when I don’t do things right.
I do believe I have a marriage made in heaven because I believe God put us together. I do not doubt that my wife is the best for me. There are things she does that irritate me, but I know God uses her for my growth. There are times I feel annoyed and times I don’t feel loving or feel loved. But I never doubt her love for me or my love for her.
You may not need a second chance to save your marriage, but you may, like me, wish you had a second chance to do some things better.
What Makes Our Marriage Work
The Purpose of Marriage
Before we were ever married, we read The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller. Tim Keller defines marriage as a lifelong, covenantal relationship designed by God to help a husband and wife grow into Christ-likeness. That changed how I view marriage. It is not about making each other happy. It’s about God using our marriage to help us grow and become more like Jesus. I know God uses my wife to help me grow through both what annoys me and what pleases me.
The annoying things aren’t necessarily obstacles to the marriage; sometimes they are opportunities for God to work on us. That’s a hard concept to swallow. Our natural tendency is to stop the annoyance, defend our own way of doing things, or get into a fight.
Knowing God is using those to improve our character gives us pause and a different perspective. It allows us to look inward rather than outward. Instead of trying to change the other, we allow God to change ourselves.
A Covenant Relationship
When we were married, we signed a covenant before God. We knew in our own human ability, we could not make a marriage work, but God could and would. A covenant with God is trusting him to keep our marriage together. What God has joined together no one can separate. Matthew 19:6
God made a covenant with Abraham, knowing that Abraham’s descendants would ultimately fail to keep it with Him. In the ancient Near East, people making a binding agreement cut an animal in half and walked between the halves. This act meant: “May I be torn apart like these animals if I break this promise.” Yet, it was God who passed through the cut bulls. God was saying he would not only keep the covenant but would pay the penalty when Abraham’s descendants broke it. Jesus paid that penalty. See Genesis 15.
God keeps His covenants perfectly. We don’t. So, we need God’s help to keep the marriage covenant we made with each other.
Intentionality – God’s Word
Early in our marriage, we made some intentional decisions.
We decided we would always do devotions together as a couple. We started this practice before we were married. Our first “date” was to study 1 Corinthians 13 together. Since God is love, we decided to study this chapter on love, looking for ways God demonstrated love as defined in it. How is God patient? How is God kind? Etc.
We do individual devotions and quiet time. I know it’s important to connect with God as a man one-on-one. I need to listen for God and to follow him. The best way for me to do that is to read His Word and pray.
I do a Lectio Divina every morning to listen to God. The Word is read to me twice, and I listen for a word or phrase from God. I then think about that word or phrase. Lastly, I respond in prayer.
We’ve added family devotion time since our kids were little. We’d read Scripture, play a kids’ worship song, and pray together. As the girls got older, the song dropped away, and we added devotional books that still centered on Scripture and prayer.
Failure to be in God’s Word is not an option; it is a choice we make every day. God’s Word is the bedrock, the very foundation of our marriage. It must be.
Intentionality – Play
I’ve been on the floor wrestling with my daughters since they were small. We ran around the house, carried them on blankets, and slid down playground slides.
We made up games such as taking household objects, covering them with a towel, and removing one. The girls had to guess what was missing. We had our own variation of a treasure hunt. I would make up riddle clues. The answer led to the next clue. The end was a “treasure,” which was usually a sweet treat or money.
We’ve gone on hikes in the mountains and camping trips. I’ve played with them in pools, lakes, and leaves. Playing with them built a bond. They trust me. They know I consider them important.
As they grew older, we played board games and card games. These taught them valuable skills of following the rules, taking turns, and being good sports. Some of our favorites lately have been “Play Nine” and “Minus Five.”
Being intentional about our family also strengthened our marriage. We were building relationships with our daughters together, creating memories we could share, and learning to enjoy being a family.
Intentionality – Love
Love is not a feeling. It is an action that requires intention. There are days when I don’t feel particularly loving. That’s when choosing to love matters most.
I intentionally hid love notes for my wife to find while I was at work. I intentionally do chores to help her.
Love is serving. I try to find ways to serve my wife, not just doing chores. I listen to her complaints and try to support her.
We discuss raising our kids, determining rules and consequences.
I show her affection. Affection is her primary love language. I show it without any ulterior motive.
I know I must intentionally choose to love my wife each day, and often choose to do so again in difficult moments. Love is a choice followed by actions that prove that choice every moment, every day.
Intentionality – Listening
Listening is critical. I have sometimes found my wife to be better at listening to God than I am, perhaps because she is better in touch with her emotional side than I am.
Once we were going to build a room in our basement, but my wife had a conversation with God about building a bathroom instead. When she told me, I thought she was crazy. We had a contractor coming over to build a room that day, and I had all-day training.
I knew we needed the bedroom because my parents were going to visit that year and we had a new person with intellectual disability living in what was one of the girls’ rooms. The girls were consolidated into one room.
Well, my wife was right. The contractor came when I had a break in the training and agreed to do the bathroom. The room became available when my parents visited because we had not yet signed a contract to care for the person in the room. She was considered a respite person, and the room didn’t belong to her. When the contract was signed, the room became hers, and we could no longer use it ourselves. Since she was considered respite, not permanent, we were able to use her room while she stayed in another home.
Listening doesn’t mean assuming your wife is always right. It means being willing to consider that she might hear something you don’t or have a perspective you can’t see.
Intentionality – Praying
When we were pregnant with our first child, we got away to Glen Eyrie, a Navigator’s Retreat Center. We spent time praying and reading God’s word to prepare ourselves to be parents.
We pray as a couple every day. We pray individually every day. When we disagree, we pray to listen to God and to help us resolve it.
We pray with our kids and for our kids. My wife prays for them before dropping them off at school. Now that I’ve taken on that responsibility, I’m trying to remember to pray before they get out of the car.
I’ve, at various times, laid my hands on my kids to bless them and pray for them. Blessing our children is a Biblical practice found throughout Scripture. Abraham blessed Issac. Issac blessed Jacob. Jacob blessed his sons.
Prayer is both talking and listening to God. If we don’t do this, we’ll be without the most important guide. Left on our own without our guide, we will make costly mistakes, stumble, and fall.
Intentionality – Forgiving
We are not perfect. We make mistakes. I’ve hurt my wife more times than I want to admit. I didn’t set out to hurt her, but I’ve said things and done things that brought her to tears and hurt her feelings.
Recently, I decided not to go to a party with my wife. We had already been to two parties that weekend. In general, I don’t like parties, so I decided to skip this one. Also, my daughter did not do her homework and needed my help. My daughters and I stayed home.
My wife felt very hurt. This party was the most important to her because it was a friend’s 50th Birthday. I did not realize how important it was to my wife, but I should have picked up on the clues. I’ve known my wife, and I can see the clues if I want to. I didn’t want to see them.
My wife was in a terrible mood the next day. When she’s in a bad mood, there’s not much I can do. I wrote a whole blog about the incident. In the end, she forgave me. Forgiveness doesn’t erase what happened. It allows us to stop letting what happened control what happens next.
There have been incidents where my wife was upset with me and hurt me too. I’ve forgiven her just as she forgives me. We both know that God has forgiven us, and so we know to forgive each other.
Holding grudges will destroy our hearts and our marriage. Forgiveness releases grudges and heals our hearts. It is essential.
We Get Another Chance Every Day
I don’t need a guardian angel to give me back a week of my marriage. I don’t need to relive the beginning of our marriage and make different choices.
But there are moments I wish I could do over.
There are words I wish I hadn’t said. There are times I could have listened better. There are moments when I choose frustration over patience, or myself over my wife.
I can’t go back and change those moments, but I can choose what I do with the next moment.
That’s one of the beautiful things about marriage. We don’t have to wait for a miracle or a second chance to start doing things differently. Every day gives us another opportunity to love, to listen, to serve, to forgive, to pray, and to choose each other.
I believe I have a marriage made in heaven—not because our marriage is perfect, and not because we never disagree. I believe it because I believe God brought us together and continues to work through our marriage.
My wife isn’t perfect. Neither am I.
But God uses the imperfect parts of both of us to make us more like Christ.
So I’m not going to wait for a second chance. I’m going to try to do today better than I did yesterday.
And tomorrow, if God gives me another day, I’ll have another chance to love my wife well. I’m going to love my wife more each day, so she feels loved, affirmed, and appreciated.
Maybe that’s what makes our marriage work. Not that we always get it right, but that we keep choosing God, choosing each other, and choosing to grow together.
If you could have one week of your marriage back, what would you do differently—and what can you do differently today?