I married a Filipino woman. She was 34, and I was 47. For those of you who struggle with math, that’s a 13-year age gap. We are from different cultures, different generations, and different genders. My wife’s primary language is not English. She speaks 3 languages fluently, though: Tagalog, Bisaya, and English. When you put two people together with that many differences, there are bound to be many disagreements, differences, and discussions (mild words for arguments).

We’ve had our share, and they’ve not always been pretty or easy to resolve. It has taken work, prayer, and time. Let me take you through our imperfect journey and maybe offer some insights that might be helpful in your marriage.

A Missed Flight

Our first tension began in between two of our marriages. Let me explain. We had 4 ceremonies: One in the Philippines, the legal one in Maui, one in Illinois for my family, and one in Colorado for my friends in the state where we reside.

After the wonderful, joyful wedding in the Philippines where we signed our marriage covenant before God, family, and friends, we were to fly to Maui for our legal marriage and honeymoon. We had to get married in the US legally because we did a fiancé visa to bring her to the States.

We missed our connecting flight in Korea to Maui. There wasn’t another flight until the next day, so we were going to miss our wedding. The airline crew graciously let us use their hotel room for free. I made the necessary calls to postpone the ceremony, and we spent our first night as a married couple with a major issue.

Handling Stress

I witnessed how my wife handled stress. She was calm, gracious, and supportive. I was amazed. An emotional breakdown was what I expected. I was feeling stressed, but she calmed me. We made the best of the circumstances. The room had a jacuzzi and a steam room. The hotel had plenty of dining options nearby.

What could have been a disastrous start to our marriage turned into a pre-honeymoon celebration. I was thankful.

What the Missed Flight Taught Me

What I learned was that calmness reigns supreme. My wife was calm. I was tense. Her calmness made all the difference.

I also learned we needed others. The crew’s graciousness saved the day. I didn’t have to find a place to stay frantically. We didn’t have to sleep in the airport.

Lastly, God is in complete control even in disasters. I believe he saw us through that adventure and worked all things for good (Romans 8:28 NIV).

Baby Number One

Nine months after we were married, our daughter Johanna was born. My wife had pre-eclampsia, which meant she had to have an emergency C-section. One of the first things I had bought my wife was a cell phone, but she didn’t always have it on or near her. The hospital tried to reach her, but couldn’t. They called me at work, and I rushed home, a bit panicked.

I’m not proud of it, but when I arrived home, I criticized her for not having her phone nearby. Stress was overwhelming me. I vented it, and it was wrong to do it. Thankfully, my wife didn’t respond with blame. We had a baby to deliver, and this was not a time to argue about availability.

Once again, my wife’s calmness eased my stress.

Cultural Differences

After the baby arrived, my wife wanted the baby to sleep with us. What? That’s right, a baby on our bed, in our private room. Well, this American, born and raised in American culture, did NOT want a baby sleeping with us. However, in the Philippine culture, this was normal and expected.

My wife explained the cultural norm, and I conceded. Since then, we’ve had many “sleepovers” where our two girls spend the night with us in our bed. They are now 10 and 12 and request these “sleepovers.” It has created a remarkable bond between our girls and us.

Finding Our Third Way

There’s the American way, the Filipino way, and now our family way. We didn’t do things the Filipino way or the American way. We reached our family way. Johanna slept in our room but eventually moved into a crib, then into her own room, before she was two. Autumn-Marie, our second, slept near us (not on our crib or in our bed but in what I would call a safe extension to our bed). As they grew older, we’d invite them to sleep with us. In the Filipino culture, they would always be in our bed at a young age. We had them sometimes.

Merging two cultures, two different ways of doing things, doesn’t mean one wins over the other. We had reached a third alternative.

Food is a Love Language

In the Philippine culture, food is a way to express love.  The Philippines is a very poor country, but parties always have more than enough food for everyone. This is so guests not only have enough to eat at the party, but enough for everyone to take some home.

I experienced this at our wedding in the Philippines. It was a good thing we ordered more food than the invited guests could eat, because more guests came than were invited.

Since then, every party has had more than enough food. At first, I felt uncomfortable with my wife bringing home food until I realized it was part of her culture.

Initially, our girls’ birthday parties were the Filipino way, but as they grew older, they became more American-style, especially since American friends were invited.

Diet

The real conflict over food happened when I decided to go on a diet. It was called the Whole 30 diet, where you give up anything potentially bad for 30 days, then add one thing back in at a time to see how poorly you react.

My wife did not react well to this plan, and I didn’t understand why; after all, I was attempting to eat healthy. It was at this time that I learned food is a love language. We attended a marriage conference. During the question-and-answer time, I asked about my diet. The pastor was familiar with Philippine culture and explained to me that food was a love language, and that my wife was expressing love to me by cooking. She didn’t know how to cook for my new diet. I understood, so I offered to help her cook and teach her recipes.

Lessons Learned

I need to understand my wife’s point of view and her culture. In this instance, I didn’t understand. I was set in MY way of doing things and didn’t have an ear for listening and understanding. I should know better. I’ve written a blog post on Conflict, Ownership, and Repair, citing another example where I got it wrong and showing that I should have known better.

Birthdays and Celebrations

In general, I don’t think most men like celebrations. I know I don’t. In contrast, I think most women do; at least my wife does.

This has been a constant source of tension. Some of the most hurtful times for my wife have been trying to celebrate my birthday. My wife wants to celebrate it. I don’t. My wife wants to give me gifts, but I prefer she not to give me any.

I’ve conceded to celebrating mostly for my kids’ sake, who want to celebrate, but my attitude hasn’t been good, and that is where the tension lies. My dad gave me the best advice on this. He told me not to deny someone’s attempt to show me love. When I don’t receive love, I’m hurting the giver.

I’m also an introvert, so parties are not my thing. At parties, I prefer to hide in a corner somewhere and not engage. I’ve had to force myself out of my introverted shell.

Because I don’t like parties, I don’t attend every party that we are invited to. This cost me dearly one time. I wrote about this failure in my blog, When My Wife Hurts.

What I’m Learning

I’m still learning. Birthdays may be the area where I have the most ground to cover. What I do know is that listening, prayer, and setting aside my own preferences are the path forward.

I’m learning to pray and listen to God, at least trying. My wife is still better at hearing God than I am, so I need to listen to her when God speaks through her.

The Bathroom

Once we were going to build a room in our basement, but my wife had a conversation with God in the middle of the night about building a bathroom instead. When she told me, I thought she was crazy. We had a contractor coming over to build a room that day, and I had all-day training.

I went on my morning bike ride and prayed. Even though I thought she was crazy, if she heard from God, I needed to talk to him.

I knew we needed the bedroom because my parents were going to visit that year and we had a new person with intellectual disability living in what was one of the girls’ rooms. The girls were consolidated into one room. My wife was concerned about conflict over bathroom use.

My Wife Was Right

Well, my wife was right. The contractor came when I had a break from the training and agreed to do the bathroom. It cost more, but was within our budget.

When my parents visited, we hadn’t yet signed a permanent care contract for the woman in that room, so she was still considered respite, not permanent. That meant the room was available during my parents’ stay. Once the contract was signed, the room became hers full-time. The bathroom my wife had heard about turned out to be the right call.

Moods

Women in general are more emotional than men. I think this is especially true for Filipino women and even more true for my wife. I knew my wife was emotional after meeting her in the Philippines. She cried when I left to return home.

It is obvious when my wife is in a bad mood. Sometimes the trigger is obvious: she’s tired, the house is a mess, the kids didn’t listen. Sometimes, it’s not so obvious. This can, and often does, become a source of conflict.

I find I must settle issues between my wife and my kids. I listen to my kids and my wife, then act as the negotiator or arbitrator.  When the kids have made a mess, and my wife is stressed, I need to get them to clean and help.

Don’t Always Have the Answer

When my wife is upset, I admit I don’t always know what to do.

Sometimes my wife needs an embrace, and sometimes she doesn’t. I’ve learned to tell the difference. Often, she needs me to do more chores and help her, so she doesn’t feel overwhelmed.

I know I need to pray because I don’t always have the answer. One particularly bad day, I could not think of what to do. My wife was clearly upset with me, and I didn’t know why. Eventually she told me, but it didn’t help. I didn’t know what to do to improve the situation, so I prayed. God gave me the answer. I needed to go for a walk with my wife. I offered, she accepted, and she felt much better. Thank God.

I’m still learning about my wife, and the more I learn, the more I love her.

Anger

When I was single, I didn’t think I had an issue with anger. Marriage and fatherhood revealed otherwise. Selfishness, I’ve come to realize, is usually the root. When I was single, I could go where I wanted, leave when I wanted, and do what I wanted. Now, I have others to consider. I grow impatient as my family prepares to leave. We get into arguments about what to do and where to go.

I wrote a whole blog on What I Learned About Anger when I handled it poorly, and another on handling anger. I’m still learning.

I’ve learned that I need to listen with understanding. I’ve said that in a few blogs. Listening is not just hearing the words; it is understanding the feelings and meaning behind the words.

Prayer has become my anchor here. The ask is often the same: make me “slow to anger and abounding in mercy.” (Psalm 103:8 NASB) Help me to be “quick to listen and slow to speak.”(James 1:19 NASB)

Managing Disagreements, Differences and Discussions.

I don’t have all the answers. I am a work in progress, as we all are, but here are a few things I know and have learned.

We often have disagreements, differences, and angry discussions because we are selfish. We want what we want when we want it.

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? ² You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet, but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. ³ When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. (James 4:1-3NIV)

We need to examine ourselves and our motives. Are we arguing because we are selfish and not paying attention to what the other person wants?

We should “Not (be) looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Philippians 2:4 NIV). We need to consider not what we want, but what others want, need, or desire.

This requires listening. How can we know what others want if we don’t listen to them to hear their desires, their point of view, and their needs?

When we mess up, we need to apologize. I get it wrong probably more times than I get it right. When I get it wrong, the one thing that will help make it better is to say, “I was wrong, and I’m sorry.” It’s not to say, “I was wrong, but here’s my side again.” It’s not “I was wrong, but let me explain why I did or said what I did.”

Don’t Let the Enemy Win

We have a real enemy that wants nothing more than to see our marriage fail, and conflict is one of his best tools. When we let our differences get the best of us, we give the enemy a victory.

God instructs us through James to “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” (James 4:7 NIV)

So when fights happen, and we struggle to be the one who wins the battle, the only way we can fight fair is to submit ourselves to God. He will work in us and give us the power to change. He is conforming us to the image of Christ (Romans 8:29 NIV).

Let God into your conflict, and you both will win, and the devil will lose.