What I Learned About Anger When God Exposed My Heart

Posted on by Bob Richley
Person with backpack walking along a quiet suburban street at night

It was midnight. Sleep wouldn’t come, and anger had me wide awake.

After getting up, I walked around my neighborhood for 45 minutes, praying. Back home, sleep still wouldn’t come, and at 6 AM, I gave up trying.

That night taught me something unflattering about myself—something that isn’t easy to write about for the world to see.

The Context

My dad has stage 4 cancer. He’s 84, but his doctors call him a “young 84″—healthy otherwise. In recent months, he has made multiple ER trips. Chemo kills cancer cells, but they pass through his bladder and cause painful blockages, or so the doctors think. His latest visit meant a larger catheter.

The email that set me off arrived while my dad was in the ER.

The Trigger

My wife brought me a message. It was a request—one that felt like an overreach. I’d rather not go into the details. What matters is that it involved her job, and the request seemed unreasonable to me. It made no sense.

This wasn’t mild annoyance. I got livid. I don’t understand why; I just know I was fuming mad.

So I told my wife to have the sender call me. No call came that day.

What I Did

The next morning, the call finally came. The person asked cheerfully how I was doing.

One word came to mind: “Angry.”

Silence.

No yelling followed, and I didn’t list my complaints. I simply said what was true.

I don’t remember what she said in response, but her surprise was clear. After asking her to explain the email, I still didn’t understand. The situation had hit me out of left field. When she asked if I would comply, I said no—firmly, without apology. We talked through it. She validated my feelings and remained very calm. She promised to check with her boss and get back to me. Grateful for her patience and for validating my feelings, I thanked her. I know she heard anger in my voice, but she didn’t respond with anger. Instead, she responded very professionally and kindly. I expressed my gratitude for her response and complimented her character.

A few hours later, she kept her promise. The request was reduced significantly, and she went out of her way to make things easier on me. Questions remained, but eventually I agreed to meet their reduced terms.

What I Got Wrong

It would be easy to say I handled that well.

I didn’t.

My wife was visibly upset—more than once. She worried my refusal would cost her job. Though I believed she wouldn’t lose it, and was right, my anger still created real pain in our home.

What God Did

Thank God, my monthly prayer meeting came the next day. Only the host was there when I arrived. Perhaps God knew I needed time with him.

Together, we confessed our anger and talked honestly about it. Then we prayed—for our anger, our country, and our children. It was one of the most powerful prayer times I’ve had.

My friend started fighting an ocular migraine. I prayed for healing, and afterward he told me that just before I prayed, the migraine had disappeared.

God showed up. I was grateful.

God was Not Done

That night, I slept, but it wasn’t over. God still had to work on my hard heart.

After church the next day, a long mountain walk gave me time to pray. I came home feeling better, but without answers. My feelings went before God, and I asked him to work. He did—but not until the next morning, when I made another mistake.

The next morning, something I said was meant to justify my position, but my wife felt the anger still under my words.

She said something I needed to hear.

“The enemy is attacking, and you’re letting him succeed.” She had tears. She felt unsupported and hurt. That’s what it took to soften my heart. Anger toward an agency was still present, but now I could finally see how this was hurting my wife. She explained fully and clearly what she was feeling and experiencing. Until that moment, I had seen only irrational feelings and paranoia. Now I saw hurt, pain, and sadness that I had caused.

She was right to express how she felt and to feel as she did. That one conversation shifted everything in my heart.

What I’m Still Wrestling With

The reason I got so angry still isn’t fully clear to me.

Could it have been the stress of my dad’s illness? Maybe. Was it that I’ve always hated this kind of request? Probably. But I think there’s a simpler answer.

I wanted my way. I didn’t get it. And I sinned.

I’ve read Unoffendable by Brant Hansen. The message resonated so strongly that I wrote a Bible study from it and hosted one in my home. Yet that email offended me completely. The gap between what I know and how I act bothers me.

God is still working on me.

Three Things I Learned

1. Name your emotion before it names you.

Telling the caller “I’m angry” was one of the best things I did. It was honest. The feeling was on the table instead of leaking out sideways.

2. Anger rarely travels alone.

My anger had passengers: stress, fear, and exhaustion. My dad was suffering, and my wife was scared. I was depleted. Anger that looks like principle is often something else underneath.

3. The people closest to you will see what you can’t.

My wife’s words did what my midnight prayer walks couldn’t. Someone who loved me had to call me out of my self-centeredness. I needed to listen.

The Enemy Didn’t Win

Not everything was handled well. Still, the enemy didn’t divide my marriage or make our lives miserable. God worked things out in ways I couldn’t have planned.

It took a sleepless night and a difficult few days and I could have spared myself all that, but God used it to do some internal heart work. God works all things together for good as it says in Romans 8:28. He did.

I’m grateful.

Christian poem about new creation.

Posted on by Bob Richley
Flower-lined garden path beside a lake at sunset with distant mountains

This Christian poetry about new creation traces God’s story from the beauty of Eden through rebellion and redemption. It points to the promise of a new heaven and new earth. “The Golden Garden” invites readers to see how God restores what was broken. It shows how he renews all things with love, purpose, and peace.

The Golden Garden

He planted a golden garden by the water's side
A river of life flowed freely to nurture and feed
Onto the land, he placed his image, his likeness
From the two he created a community of one
To each he endowed purpose and peace

Into paradise he planted choice: death or life
Rebellion and war verses harmony and peace
Love was abandoned to distrust and deception
Weeds of selfishness sprung from the seed of pride
Destructive fruit consumed the golden garden

He's buying the stairway back to paradise,
The golden garden renewed,
Harmony and oneness restored
The price is blood, the cost is his life
Innocence exchanged for the guilty

To cast out consequences of the rebellion
Shame, darkness, pain, betrayal, abandonment
Had to be endured to expel out the same
Into hearts he will plant seeds of love
Sacrifice, light, pleasure, loyalty, repair

The stairway leads from heaven to earth
The gardener will descend once again
To renew his garden with the seeds he planted
Weeds and dead branches will be burned,
Leaving ripened fruit to fill the golden garden

A new golden garden grows by the water's side
A river of life flows freely to nurture and feed
Onto the land, flourishes his image, his likeness
From love, he birthed a community of one
To his children he endowed purpose and peace

Reflection and Meaning

As you reflect on this Christian poetry about new creation, consider the hope of redemption promised in Revelation 21: God will dwell with His people, wipe away every tear, and make all things new. May “The Golden Garden” encourage you to look toward that promised future with faith and hope.

Rev 21:1 – 6

1 Now I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away. Also there was no more sea. 2 Then I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. 4 And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”
5 Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful.”
6 And He said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I will give of the fountain of the water of life freely to him who thirsts.

A Poem on Poverty

Posted on by Bob Richley
Child offering a cup to an elderly traveler beside a sailing ship

This poem about poverty can help families begin teaching children empathy and compassion by talking honestly about poverty and the different experiences other people face.

The Compassion of a Child

A rich man traveled the ocean blue
to a Philippine island and the city of Cebu.
He owned his own ship to travel the sea
with his wife and two daughters, age 1 and 3.

His wife had been born there
and her family still lived there.
Her daughters, Johanna and Autumn-Marie,
had never met their mom's family.

The girls wore dresses which were new.
Autumn-Marie wore pink and Johanna blue.
But their cousins’ clothes were old and worn.
Some had dirty spots and others were torn.

The kids went outside under the hot sun.
They ran around and had lots of fun.
The clothes got all dirty and blacked,
so new clothes had to be unpacked.

Their cousins had no other clothes to wear.
Some of them only owned a few pair
that their mothers' scrubbed and
cleaned in the river water by hand.

All the cousins went into the hotel shower.
It took all of them over an hour
to clean clothes, skin and hair
and to dry the only clothes they had to wear.

All enjoyed dinner and there was much to eat
even a very special Filipino treat
called Halo-halo made with fruit, milk and ice.
Johanna said it was very delicious and very nice.

The next day all the girls and boys
played with Johanna's and Autumn-Marie's toys.
The cousins had no toys of their own.
They often played with sticks and stones.

Johanna started to feel a little bit sad,
because of how little her cousins had.
She let her cousins take her toys home,
so that they would have some of their own.

Johanna is just a little 3-year-old kid
but her daddy noticed what she did.
He said, "That was very nice of you."
He decided there was something he must do.

He sold his luxury ship and made a plan
to buy some new homes and some land.
He also bought chickens, cows and seed
to raise and grow food to meet the family's need.

He bought new clothes for the kids to wear.
He became the answer to the family's prayer.
They were no longer poor and in need
because of Johanna's 1st loving deed.

My wife is a Filipino. The story is fiction, but the poverty in the Philipines is real. We’ve seen it first hand.

As children learn to notice others’ needs, practice kindness, and share what they have, this simple poem about poverty and generosity can support them in growing in understanding, empathy, and genuine care for those around them.

A Love Poem on Giving in Love and Building Lasting Love

Posted on by Bob Richley
Glowing golden and pink light ribbons forming a heart

This warm love poem reflects on giving in love with honesty, devotion, and hope. Readers can expect a gentle reminder that building lasting love begins with selfless commitment and meaningful action.

Don’t Search to Receive

Don't search to receive
the love you desire
No, search much higher
for the one to whom you'll cleave.

Search for someone to receive
the love you inside your heart,
then your bond will never part
from the oneness you conceive.

Sacrifice and give your love away.
Commit to love each other for life
when you become man and wife,
then your love will grow every day.

Love is what you do, not what you feel.
Love is a word of action,
not just physical attraction.
Love in deed makes it alive and real

I believe love is not a feeling and not selfish. Love is giving more than receiving. See my post for more. At its heart, this love poem reminds us that giving in love is more than a feeling—it is a daily choice to care, commit, and grow together. That kind of devotion is the foundation for building lasting love.

Ways to Pray for Your Children

Posted on by Bob Richley
Parent kneeling beside a sleeping child under a quilt

When my wife and I attended a marriage conference a few years ago, a speaker described how he prayed for his children. He wasn’t praying in general terms, ‘Lord, bless my kids.’ He was praying specifically. He prayed by name, by need, and for the future.

I sat in that room and felt the conviction quietly arrive: I hadn’t been doing this. I was praying for my kids the way I used to fill out forms — technically present, not really engaged.

That day changed how I pray. I’ve been praying since, and I’m still learning.

Recently I came across an article on how to pray for your adult kids. While my kids are not adults, I read the article and found some prayers applicable to them; others I adjusted to fit young kids.

Here are my recommendations for praying for young kids, based on what I’ve learned and what I intend to continue praying for my kids.

Pray for Their Heart

Proverbs 4:23 CSB: “Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 NKJV: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.”

Lastly, we are to love the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength – Matthew 22:37 NKJV.

Our children’s hearts are critical. We need to pray that the Holy Spirit would guard their hearts, that they would trust God with all their heart and love the Lord from their heart. Pray that our children will be kids after God’s own heart, like David was from his youth.

I pray this specifically because I know what it cost me to do things I wanted rather than follow God’s heart. I want them to know and follow God’s heart earlier than I did.

Pray for Their Mind

Romans 12:2 ESV: “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” 

2 Corinthians 10:5 ESV: “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.”

Our kids are bombarded with toxic ideas and ways of thinking contrary to God’s Word. Not only are the things they see and hear on social media, but also the things they hear and see from other adults and children are not always in line with what God says is true and right.  We need to pray that God will renew our children’s minds and take every thought captive.

My daughters are on social media. They spend more time on YouTube than we do as a family watching TV.  I’ve seen what they encounter, and it frightens me. Not because they’re bad kids, but because the ideas coming at them daily are relentless. This is why we talk about what they see. I don’t just pray; I try to guide them through conversations.

Pray for Their Emotions

Philippians 4:6 NIV: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

Proverbs 29:11 NIV: “Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.”

Ecclesiastes 3:4 NIV: “A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”

My kids are going through puberty. Their emotions are difficult for them to handle as the hormones wreak havoc. Kids in general need to learn how to handle their emotions. Pray that God will help them not to be anxious and to control their anger. Pray that they will not be ashamed to weep, laugh, mourn, and celebrate when the situation calls for it.

I’ve gotten it wrong more times than I’d like to admit — responding to their emotions with impatience rather than understanding. I pray for them partly because I’m still learning to manage my own.

Pray for Their Physical Bodies

1 Corinthians 6:19–20 NKJV: “Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore, glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s”

Romans 12:1 NKJV: “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service”

Pray for protection over our kids’ bodies. I have often prayed Psalm 91 over my kids. Pray for their physical health and that they would use their bodies to glorify God rather than disgrace him.

I encourage our kids to get outside and play. I encourage them to eat healthy and try to set the proper example. They see me bike to exercise, and they know I’m on a diet that restricts sugar and processed foods. They get on my case when I “cheat” on the diet.

Pray for Their Future Spouse

Genesis 2:18 ESV: Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

Proverbs 18:22 ESV: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 ESV: “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God;”

One of the things that surprised me at the marriage conference was that the father prayed regularly for his kids’ future spouses. My wife was already doing this, but I wasn’t. I realized from this man’s example that I should.

We should pray that God is preparing the right spouse for our kids now and that they know God at a young age. We should pray that our kids are kept away from sexual temptation and that if they do encounter it, God will give them the strength to flee like Joseph.

My kids see the choice I made, and they’ve heard our story on how God put us together. You can read some of our story in this post. My wife and I have a covenant marriage. Our covenant hangs on the wall, and we’ve read it to our kids. I pray they will learn from our example and also have a covenant marriage.

Pray for Their Education

Proverbs 22:6 KJV: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

Deuteronomy 6:6–7 NKJV: “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.”

The primary responsibility of educating our children lies with the parents, but many of our kids, including mine, attend school. I pray for my children when I drop them off at school, following in my mother’s example, who took them to and from school before I did.

There are so many dangers in this world, and school shootings have been becoming common. We need to pray for protection over our kids.

Teachers don’t always teach the same values that we want our kids to learn. We need to pray that teachers would teach our kids Biblical values and exemplify them.

My daughters go to a Christian school, and eventually I will homeschool them. The school is more in line with our values as parents than a public school would be, but still there are things we disagree with. I’m not particularly happy that the school rewards with candy, so I’m constantly warning my kids of the danger of too much sugar.

My kids ask me to pray about upcoming tests, and so I do, out loud. My kids pray about their own tests.

Praying for education is critical. Our kids’ education shapes their future.

Pray for Their Future Careers

Colossians 3:23 NIV: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters”

Proverbs 16:3 NIV: Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.

My kids are being prepared for their careers as they go to school and as they experience life. My youngest believes she wants to be a VET. My oldest is considering being a teacher.

I’ve worked from home, and my kids have seen me work and have asked about what I do. My wife’s job is in our home. She takes care of three people with intellectual disabilities in our home. Our daughters get a bird’s-eye view of their mom working.

We need to pray that our kids are led by God in their calling. We need to pray that God prepares them now for their future.

Pray for Their Friends

Proverbs 27:17: NKJV “As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.

Proverbs 18:24 NIV: “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”

Friendships are critical for our kids. Pray they choose their friends wisely. Pray they influence their friends for good and vice versa.

My oldest has navigated some painful situations with friends this year. I didn’t always handle them well as a father. At times she was in tears. I was too quick to try to fix it and too slow to listen. But I’ve been praying more specifically about who God is bringing into her life.

She eventually resolved the issue and followed some of my advice. It is still hard. Sometimes they are best friends, and sometimes they are more like enemies. I know they are growing through their friendships. I’m praying that they do.

Pray A Blessing Over Your Children

Genesis 27:27 NIV: So he went to him and kissed him. When Isaac caught the smell of his clothes, he blessed him.”

Mark 10:13-16 NIV:  “People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.’ And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.”

Blessing our children is not just praying for them; it is specifically asking God to show his favor and blessings for their present and future. I have several times laid my hands on my kids and blessed them. Sometimes it has been as simple as saying Numbers 6:24–26  NIV: “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.” I like the ERV version, “May the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord smile down on you and show you his kindness. May the Lord answer your prayer and give you peace.” Sometimes it is speaking about their future as Jacob did with his sons.

The blessing of our children is very special and important.

Continuing to Pray

After the marriage conference, I prayed more for my kids, but I let it slip. After reading the article on Crosswalk, I’m motivated to pray more. When I pray specifically — by name, by need, by the future I can’t yet see — something shifts in me. Not just in them. In me. I become the father they need rather than the one who means well but stays distracted.

These aren’t the only ways to pray for your children. They’re the ones that have changed how I see my daughters — not just as kids to raise, but as people God is already preparing for a future He’s already planned. That’s worth praying into.”

Practical, Biblical Ways to Love Your Wife Every Day

Posted on by Bob Richley
Arm repositioned beside green-sleeved arm

Practical Ways To Love Your Wife

My wife left her country, her family, and all she knew to come and live with me in the USA. She grew up in the Philippines. Family is central to Philippine culture. Being a poor country, families depend on each other. My wife lived in a boarding house with her sister and a cousin; whoever had a job paid rent and bought food. For my wife to leave her family was a huge sacrifice.

When we began our life together, I understood her sacrifice. When I went to work, I left her alone. She had no friends, no family; she was alone. I knew I had to do something to let her know she was loved and help her feel loved. I decided to leave a hidden love note (though in an obvious, easy-to-find place).

This was the beginning of my journey of intentionally loving my wife. I decided I would do things to show I loved her intentionally. I was not going just to let life happen.

Attitude of Love

It begins with an attitude of love. Love is not merely a feeling; it is a choice. It requires intentional action, intentional decision, and intentional sacrifice.

I woke up every day deciding to love my wife regardless of mood, energy level, or circumstances. As things happened throughout the day, good or bad, I would choose love. If I felt irritated, frustrated, or upset, I would choose love.

My wife certainly has moods. I knew before I married her that she was very emotional. When I left the Philippines after visiting her for the first time face-to-face, she cried. 

Her moods are not always pleasant. When the house is a mess and she’s stressed, she can be very cranky and upset. I could respond with anger and frustration, or I could be gentle and loving. I chose gentle and loving.

Love Languages

I’m blessed in that both of our primary love languages are affection. When we met in the Philippines, we hugged; we held hands when eating (which made eating a little challenging). I had promised her I would not kiss her on the lips until we were married, but I would kiss her often on the cheek or hand. Immediately, I knew she spoke my love language: affection.

I had read The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. Before my wife and I married, we read that book together. We needed to know not only our primary love language, affection, but also our secondary one. We also needed to know how to communicate in all five love languages.

The five love languages are:

  1. Words of affirmation: This is verbal or written communication. In other words, expressing love, appreciation, encouragement, or admiration to your wife. For example, “I’m proud of you,” “I love the way you look at me,” or writing little love notes. My love notes to my wife, which I leave every weekday morning, affirm who she is and how much I appreciate her. The notes often repeat what I’ve said before. It doesn’t matter. She needs to read them again.
  2. Acts of service: This love language is doing helpful or thoughtful deeds to show your wife you care about them. For example, you might run errands, cook a meal, do chores, or handle tasks they would normally handle when they are overwhelmed. When my wife is especially overwhelmed and cranky, I purposely help clean the house, arrange things neatly, and vacuum. Eliminating the mess helps her stress.
  3. Receiving gifts: This involves giving and receiving thoughtful gifts to your wife. The gift doesn’t have to be expensive or even cost money, but the item’s action and significance need to express love. For instance, bringing home your wife’s favorite takeout, making her art, buying her favorite flowers, or remembering special occasions with a card or gift. This is my least favorite love language. Though I’m good at giving gifts, I’m not so good at receiving them. How I receive gifts is as important as how I give them.
  4. Quality time: The emphasis on this love language is on spending quality time together without distractions, rather than simply sharing physical space. Sitting on the couch watching TV is not quality time. True quality time is about giving your wife your undivided, focused attention, such as scheduling time alone together, going on date nights, or taking a walk or a trip together. This is the time to listen to your wife and understand her and her feelings.
  5. Physical touch: This involves showing your love and affection through closeness and touch, such as hugs, gentle massages, cuddling, kissing, or holding hands. These physical touches should not have any ulterior motive. The touch should express genuine, unselfish love. My wife and I often embrace. I kiss her frequently on the cheek and lips.

We need to know our wife’s love language and be sure to express the primary and secondary love languages frequently; however, all five need to be expressed.

Sacrifice

But knowing love languages is only the beginning. The deeper, more important, and difficult call is to love sacrificially — to give yourself up the way Christ gave himself up.

Paul wrote, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,” in Ephesians 5:25

Gave himself means he gave up his power and humbled himself even to death on a cross. Wow. That’s an impossible benchmark to reach as a mere human. But with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). We must rely on the Holy Spirit to love our wives sacrificially.

Jesus didn’t love us because we deserved it. He didn’t love us because we always treated Him well. Nor did he love us because we made His life easy.

He gave Himself for us.

So when Paul tells husbands to love their wives like Christ loved the church, he is calling us to something much deeper than saying “I love you” or bringing home flowers occasionally.

He is calling us to self-sacrificial love.

When I’m tired, and my wife needs me to do something, it’s not the time to complain and rest. I need to get up and meet her needs.

There have been many times when I wanted something, I wanted my way, but I had to do what my wife wanted, not because she’s “the boss,” but because her needs should outweigh my needs and desires.

I don’t like parties. I’m an introvert and prefer to hide in a corner and be alone. My wife loves parties. It’s a chance to connect with her Philippine community. So, against my wishes, I attend parties – not all of them, but certainly most. I’ve not always gotten it right. You can read of a time when I got it wrong here.

Read the Word Together

Ephesians 5:26 speaks of Christ cleansing the church “by the washing with water through the word.”

The Word of God is central to our marriages. My first online dates with my wife-to-be were a Bible Study of 1 Corinthians 13. We discussed how God has shown these attributes of love, since God is love.

We’ve purposely been in the Word together every day since.

Start simple.

  • Read the Bible together.
  • Pray together.
  • Talk about what you are learning.

In our family, we have found value in having different but set times for God’s Word. My wife and I each spend time reading Scripture privately. We also read the Bible together. And we read the Word and do devotions with our children. I wrote a blog about how we are intentional about a few things, especially devotion time. The important thing isn’t creating the perfect devotional routine. The important thing is making God’s Word part of the life of your marriage and family.

A husband shouldn’t simply tell his family what God says.

He should be listening to God himself.

Know Your Wife

Women are very different from us. They think often from their emotions and are naturally nurturing and caring. Women statistically use many more words than men. My wife is from a different country with a different culture. Understanding her as a woman and as a Filipino is challenging. I’ve had to learn her culture and accept things that were different and uncomfortable for me.

First Peter 3:7 tells husbands to live with their wives “in an understanding way.”

Understanding requires more than hearing words. It requires listening to understand. I can hear what my wife says without actually understanding what she means. You need to feel what she feels and think what she thinks.

Know and Care For Her as You Would Yourself

“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” — Ephesians 5:28

Then he says:

“No one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body.”

Of course, we know ourselves and our needs, and naturally take care of ourselves.

  • When we’re hungry, we eat.
  • When we’re tired, we rest.
  • When we’re cold, we find warmth.
  • When something hurts, we do something about it.

Paul says husbands should care for their wives in the same way.

That means we need to know our wives. This requires us to pay attention and see her struggles. Know when she’s tired and frustrated and do something about it. Ask questions in your own way, or ask her directly.

  • What does she need?
  • What makes her life more difficult?
  • What would make her day easier?
  • Where can I help?

Sometimes loving your wife means doing something she normally does.

Loving a Filipino Woman

It is obvious when my wife is in a bad mood. Sometimes the trigger is obvious: she’s tired, the house is a mess, the kids didn’t listen. Sometimes, it’s not so obvious. I admit I don’t always know what to do. Sometimes she needs an embrace, and sometimes she doesn’t. I’ve learned to tell the difference. Often, she needs me to do more chores and help her so she doesn’t feel overwhelmed. Sometimes, she needs me to speak to the kids about their behavior, so I do. She’ll tell me sometimes, but not always. I have to see the need myself.

I know I need to pray because I don’t always have the answer. One particularly bad day, I could not think of what to do. My wife was clearly upset with me, and I didn’t know why. Eventually she told me, but it didn’t help. I didn’t know what to do to improve the situation, so I prayed. God gave me the answer. I needed to go for a walk with my wife. I offered, she accepted, and she felt much better. Thank God.

In the Filipino culture, food is a loving language. At these parties, which I don’t really want to attend, there is more than enough food for everyone. Everyone is expected to take food home with them. Doing this is expressing love. This felt uncomfortable to me at first, until I realized it was part of the culture. I had to accept this cultural norm and become comfortable with it.

I’m still learning about my wife, and the more I learn, the more I love her.

Love Always

These are just a few ideas and examples from my family. They may work for you or not. You have to know your own wife and family, and find practical ways to love your wife.

Whatever you do, however you do it, be intentional. Don’t just sit back and let life happen. Decide every day, every moment to love your wife. Think consciously about how to love her best. Pray and listen to God. He will show you the way.

Sometimes loving your wife looks like giving her flowers. Sometimes it looks like vacuuming the house. And sometimes — on the days when you don’t know what to do and you pray and listen — it looks like a walk. Whatever it looks like in your marriage, do it on purpose. Love is not something that happens. It’s something you intentionally decide.

When Your Past Doesn’t Define You: Living as God’s Beloved

Posted on by Bob Richley
Open blue cottage door leading to a sunlit flower garden

When I was a kid, I was bullied and teased. I remember once an older boy who lived across the street pulled my short pants down in front of other kids, including a girl. Everyone laughed, and I fought back the tears of shame. I got into many fights, but I never threw the first punch. My dad’s answer to bullies was to teach me to fight back, so I did.

In contrast, I was also a scholar and an athlete. I was proud of my academic achievements: graduating salutatorian of my high school class, running cross-country, and being part of a winning team. Being salutatorian earned me a trophy; being an athlete earned me letters, pins, trophies, and plaques. I also won many trophies running road races.

Those childhood days began the cycle of shame that I felt and carried into adulthood. I strove to do good, to look good, and to win others’ approval. Receiving approval felt great, like winning road races and receiving a trophy. When I did wrong, I felt shame. I feared no one would like or respect me if they knew what I did. I hid my shame.

Shame and the Past

We all feel shame either from our past or present failures. We see ourselves based on our performance. If we excel in sports, we identify ourselves as good athletes. If we do well at our jobs, we identify ourselves as good workers. In contrast, if we fail, if we make mistakes, if we do things wrong, we identify ourselves as worthless.

What we do or fail to do becomes our identity. When we are successful, we say “I am an excellent runner” or “I’m a talented and gifted problem solver.” When we perform poorly, we say, “I’m no good” or “I’m a failure.”

These thoughts and words have power. We get stuck in a cycle of shame or always aim to achieve. If we succeed, the accolades wear out, and we lose our identity. If we fail, we get stuck never succeeding or feeling good about ourselves. Our behavior becomes destructive.

We’ve all lost our true identity. We are made in the image of God. We are his beloved sons and daughters. That is our identity. We don’t have to strive for acceptance; we are accepted. We don’t have to wallow in shame and regret. Jesus took our shame away when he bore our shame on the cross.

My Shame and Regrets

I admit I wasn’t very patient with God when it came to finding a wife, and I got angry at some of the messages on sex. I heard, “If you wait until you’re married, you’ll have great sex.” Much good that did me as a single. I also heard that sex was a great stress reliever. As a single man in his thirties, I found that message more frustrating than helpful.

I did things I was not proud of while I was single. However, I treated the women I dated with respect because my father taught me and modeled it. I did not pressure women to have sex, nor did I cross the line, and I remained celibate the whole time I was single — but not pure. I never got drunk or took drugs, but I was in recovery groups battling lust.

Healing from the Past

It wasn’t until I was in recovery groups and admitted my faults that the cycle of shame started to break. I could confess to brothers in Christ who had done similar wrongs. They understood and accepted me.

The only thing that breaks the cycle is not willpower. It is not discipline. It is love. My accountability partners loved me. They accepted me for who I am and reminded me that I am still loved by God.

Embracing Our True Identity

In our merit-based world, the truth that we are loved without earning it is almost impossibly hard to accept. But it is our true identity. And it is the only one that doesn’t come undone when the accolades stop and the roles fall away.

I’ll say it again: We are made in the image of God. We are his beloved sons and daughters. That is our true identity.

That is the identity we all need. Not the identity formed by our performance, our failures, or our father’s voice — but the one that was given to us before any of that happened. We are beloved children of God, princes and daughters of the King, created in his image, bought by his Son, being made new.

And then, just when I had stopped striving, God moved.

Moving on from the Past

My past didn’t keep me from getting married, nor did it ruin my marriage. At forty-six, God surprised me. I had given up on finding a wife and even told my parents to stop asking — I didn’t want to raise teenagers in my sixties.

But then… I received an email from a beautiful woman in the Philippines and my life changed forever.

I was not an active member on this Filipino dating site, but I did have a profile because a friend of mine, over a decade earlier, had said that Asian women make good wives. Encouraged by this, I put a profile on the site but left it alone.

When I received the email, I checked out her profile and realized she was a genuine believer and incredibly beautiful. I paid for a membership so we could communicate freely. On our first chat, I prayed with her — that God would lead the relationship wherever He would take it. She was impressed.

Intentional Courtship

Before receiving the email, I had read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” by Joshua Harris. Regardless of what happened on his later journey, the book changed how I approached relationships at the time. I did not “date” my wife-to-be. Instead, I courted her. I asked her father’s permission to court her — I didn’t know that was also the Filipino tradition. Part of courting her was spending time with her family so they would know me and approve of the relationship. When I proposed, I first asked her father.

We courted entirely online for the first month. During that time, we read 1 Corinthians 13 together and studied it from the perspective that God is love — so how does God himself meet each attribute of love?

One month after that first email, I was assured of our mutual love and affection but needed to meet her in person. I flew to the Philippines to meet her and her family.

We had one week together — one week with her family, in her home, in her world. By the end of it, I knew. I asked her father for her hand in marriage, proposed to Rubilyn, and she said yes. We had an engagement ceremony at her church in front of family and friends. Then I left and waited and waited.

The visa process took a full year. We were engaged but separated by an ocean and a twelve-hour time difference. During that year, we read Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage together — chapter by chapter, long distance. It helped us lay the groundwork for a marriage we hadn’t yet begun.

We married when I was forty-seven. The wait was worth it.

The Past as Preparation

Looking back, I can see that every step of our courtship was intentional — not because I had a perfect plan, but because I was finally paying attention to what God was doing rather than trying to make it happen myself.

The shame cycle, the recovery groups, the long years of waiting — none of it was wasted. God was teaching me patience, humility, and the kind of love that serves rather than demands. I couldn’t have been the husband Rubilyn needed if I hadn’t walked through all of it.

The Past and the Present

Our past shapes who we are, yet it need not confine us to who we were. Through faith and intentional reflection, we can acknowledge our history without allowing it to dictate our future.

The beauty of this truth lies in its freedom. Our past, with all its triumphs and failures, serves as a teacher rather than a jailer. When we embrace faith in Christ’s redemption, we find that guilt and regret lose their hold on us.

We can live fully in each present moment. We are empowered by grace to move forward without the burden of yesterday’s mistakes, as Paul expresses in Philippians 3:13-14. Our identity in Christ transcends the limitations of our history. We can become who we are meant to be.

I wrote a poem about this journey called “The Past” — it captures what those years, and what God did with them, taught me:

The Past

The past is there to remind us
Of who we were in times gone by,
But the past does not define us.

Like a ghost, you can sense its wrath.
Like the wind, you hear its lament,
But it will not hinder your path.

I am what I am in the present moment,
Though influenced by the past —
I am neither its slave nor its servant.

We need to be servants of Christ — but not to earn his favor. His favor and love are given to us freely, not earned. We need to embrace it.

Our past has prepared us for this moment. God works all things together for our good — not despite our failures, but through them. That is the God we serve, and that is the identity He has given us.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” — Romans 8:28, NIV

Evangelical Complementarianism and Misogyny

Posted on by Bob Richley
Man washing dishes beside a sunlit kitchen window

In our home, I do more of the dishes, bake with our girls, and vacuum. We both cook, but my wife prefers to do most of the cooking. My wife is Filipino, and food is a love language in the Philippines, so when she cooks, she is telling me she loves me. I’ll make the bed, but she does a far better job than I. She does expect me to be a “handyman,” but I’m terrible at it, and she knows it. She’s much better at assembling prepacked-assembly-required furniture than I am.

My wife does expect me to lead the family in decisions, but I want us to agree on decisions. I don’t want to dictate what we do. We need to strive to be one, that is, of one mind guided by the Holy Spirit.

Men and women share equal dignity, worth, and standing before God. Within that equality, Scripture describes different roles — not a hierarchy of value, but a difference in function, like the Trinity itself. Husbands are called to be loving, sacrificial leaders. Wives are to be respectful and supportive. However, respect should be earned by the man, not demanded.

Misogyny is the hatred of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women or girls and has NO PLACE in a Christian home. Evangelical Complementarianism does not support misogyny in any way. Misogyny is unbiblical. Anyone using the doctrine of Evangelical Complementarianism to justify misogyny is wrong, dead wrong.

The Husband’s Role

I’ve written and spoken about husbands loving their wives as Christ loves the church. Jesus set the example of leadership and love. He washed his disciples’ feet. At our wedding, I washed my wife’s feet to demonstrate and to commit to the kind of leader I wanted to be in our home.

Ephesians 5 doesn’t tell husbands to have affection for their wives. It doesn’t tell us to lord it over them to get what we want, but rather tells us to love them as Christ loved the church.

Without God’s Spirit in us, that example sets an unattainable benchmark, since Christ sacrificed himself for the church. Do we sacrifice for our wives? Do we give our life, our time, and our resources for our family, or do we demand our own ways to please ourselves? Demanding our own way is getting awfully close to misogyny.

Paul writes:

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” — Ephesians 5:25

Gave himself means he gave up his power and humbled himself even to death on a cross. That’s the standard. We are to sacrifice for our wives, give up what we want, give our time, give our energy, and give our lives.

He gave Himself for us.

So when Paul tells husbands to love their wives like Christ loved the church, he is calling us to something much deeper than saying “I love you” or bringing home flowers occasionally.

He is calling us to self-sacrificial love.

Jesus sacrificed Himself for us.

He gave up His rights and put our needs ahead of His own comfort. He came to serve rather than to be served. “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.” Philippians 2:5-7

That is the opposite of selfishness. Selfishness is one of the greatest enemies of marriage. It’s not our way or our wives’ way. It’s God’s way. We give up our desires for our wives and ultimately for God.

What does my wife need from me?

Ephesians 5:21 says:

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

Notice this is also directed at husbands. We both have to have an attitude of submission and put our spouses’ needs and desires ahead of our own.

“Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant.” Matthew 20:25-27

Jesus pointed to Himself as the example. He did not come to be served but to serve and to give His life. Just before He died, He washed His disciples’ dirty feet. This task belonged to the lowest servant, yet the God of the universe humbled Himself to perform this most menial and unpleasant job.

Service is Christian Leadership

A husband isn’t supposed to use his position to boss his wife around until he gets what he wants. That’s misogyny. He is supposed to use his position to serve his wife. It goes against our human nature. I want my own way; after all, I think my way is best. Without God’s help, I would be a terrible, selfish husband. I don’t want to be selfish, but I naturally am, so I pray that God will help me to know and do his will in my marriage. When we make a decision, we always pray, “Not my way, not my wife’s way, but your way, God.”

If Jesus gave up his divine privileges to live as a man among us, we should follow his example. We, as men, need to give up what we want to do to do what is best for our family.

Leadership in a Christian home begins with sacrifice.

Earn her respect. Don’t demand it.

If you want your wife to respect you, become a man worthy of respect. Respect is not demanded; it is not a right. Respect must be earned.

To earn respect, husbands need to

  • Be faithful.
  • Do the right thing when nobody is watching.
  • Keep your promises.
  • Admit when you’re wrong.

When you are wrong or when you hurt your wife, confess it.

James 5:16 says: “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”

When you’ve hurt your wife intentionally or unintentionally, she is hurting.

  • Don’t defend yourself.
  • Don’t explain away what you did.
  • Don’t say, “I’m sorry, but…”

Admit what you did.

“I was wrong.”

“I hurt you.”

“Please forgive me.”

Confession doesn’t make you weak. It is one of the ways God brings healing.

Marriage is about becoming one.

All of this — sacrifice, service, confession, listening — has one goal: the two becoming one.

Ephesians 5:31 says:

“The two will become one flesh.”

Jesus prayed for His followers to experience this kind of unity:

“I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one.” — John 17:21

Prayer can help us pursue that oneness. Prayer isn’t only about talking. We should also listen to God and to each other. I try to do an ancient practice called Lectio Divina. It is listening to God through the reading of Scripture. You listen for a word or phrase that God is speaking through the verses being read. After hearing the word or phrase, you meditate on its meaning, think about it, and then respond with prayer.

Listening to God

Jeremiah 33:3 says:

“Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.”

Jesus said:

“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.” — John 10:27

When you pray with your wife, don’t just tell God what you want.

Listen.

  • Ask God what He wants.
  • Ask Him what He wants you to change.
  • Ask Him how you can love your wife better.

And then be willing to obey.

Listen to Your Wife

One of the simplest—and sometimes hardest—ways to love our wives is to listen. Listening is not just hearing words; it is understanding the meaning, the feeling, and the purpose behind them.

First Peter 3:7 tells husbands to live with their wives “in an understanding way.”

Understanding requires more than hearing words. It requires listening to understand. I can hear what my wife says without actually understanding what she means. You need to feel what she feels and think what she thinks.

Your wife isn’t an obstacle standing between you and what you want. She is the woman God gave you to love. Listen to her.

I’ve had to learn to listen to my wife. We are from different countries with different cultures and languages. Her primary language is not English. I can easily misunderstand her simply because she uses the wrong English word. I have to stop and ask what she means. Sometimes it is difficult for her to explain what she means, and it can be frustrating for both her and me. It is not an easy road, and one we are still traveling. I am not perfect in understanding her, but I try to make progress.

Your Wife May Be Hearing from God

God may choose to speak to you through your wife. He did for me.

Once we were going to build a room in our basement, but my wife had a conversation with God about building a bathroom instead. When she told me, I thought she was crazy. We had a contractor coming over to build a room that day, and I had all-day training.

I knew we needed the bedroom because my parents were going to visit that year and we had a new person with intellectual disability living in what was one of the girls’ rooms. The girls were consolidated into one room.

Well, my wife was right. The contractor came when I had a break in the training and agreed to do the bathroom. The room became available when my parents visited because we had not yet signed a contract to care for the person in the room. She was considered a respite person, and the room didn’t belong to her. When the contract was signed, the room became hers, and we could no longer use it ourselves. Since she was considered respite, not permanent, we were able to use her room while she stayed in another home. In short, God knew what we needed before we did. My wife heard it. I almost didn’t listen.

Listening doesn’t mean assuming your wife is always right. It means being willing to consider that she might hear something you don’t or have a perspective you can’t see.

Real Leadership

Leadership in the home is never about getting your way. Leadership is service, earning respect, and listening.

I am still becoming this kind of leader. I fail more than I’d like to admit. But the standard isn’t perfection — it’s direction. The question isn’t whether I’m the perfect husband. It’s whether I’m moving toward the one I’m called to be.

Lessons from the Book of Ruth – A Poem

Posted on by Bob Richley
Golden grain field with harvested sheaves, farm tools, and rolling hills

The Harvest

Happiness turns to bitterness
when the Reaper takes away.
All that remains is an empty loneliness
Darkness hides the light of day.

The journey home is long
to find faith and hope lost.
Traveling back to where you belong
enduring the pain and cost.

God's time and provision remain
in the barley harvest about to begin.
What was lost becomes your gain
in the Redeemer among your kin.

Ruth gives birth to Worship.
Bitterness transforms to pleasant once more.
Lifted from the ashes of hardship,
Naomi holds Obed, her hope restored.

Lessons from the Book of Ruth

What Is a Covenant Marriage? Trusting God With Your Union

Posted on by Bob Richley
Joined hands and wedding rings resting on a wooden church pew 

A Covenant Marriage

"What God has joined together"
Has new meaning for me.
If God brought two together,
They are one and forever will be.

If God did the choosing,
Love is a way and a certainty.
No heart need fear ever losing.
From now and into eternity.

Human bonds are broken.
When vows are only spoken.
A ring becomes a mere token.
Unless the Spirit is awoken.

Human nature is poor and weak.
The Spirit is mighty and strong.
It is His will that we must always seek
If together forever we want to belong.

A covenant is more than an oath.
It is a commitment kept by God above
That binds two upon a path of growth
Clinging to each other, ever increasing in love...

By signing our covenant with God, we were committed to relying on God. We were married not when we signed a marriage license, but when we signed a covenant before God. By making a convenatn, we were puting our marriage is in God’s hands, trusting him.. We asked our friends and family to sign as well and, in doing so, asked them to support our marriage and pray for us. The covenant hangs on our wall and is the most important document in the house. We both believe that it is impossible for us to divorce and for our love to die.

To read more, check out this blog