A Familiar Pattern

A pastor’s son was accused, convicted, and sentenced for having intercourse with a 16-year-old when he was in his twenties. The media ran stories the very next day. Social media began commenting, praising the victim and condemning the church and its pastor.

How often have we seen a scenario like this? A male religious leader falls into sexual sin, the church is accused of covering it up, the leader is condemned, and media coverage is negative toward the church and its leaders.

Meanwhile, in the church, people leave. Others defend the choices made. “It was an internal church matter involving its members and should be settled by its leadership.” Some sympathize with the leaders, while others condemn them.

But what if, before we choose a side, we tried to understand what each person might be experiencing?

I’m not suggesting that understanding excuses wrongdoing. It doesn’t. I’m suggesting that we sometimes make judgments before we understand the people involved.

Could It Be Different?

I’ve written a few times in these blogs about understanding the other side. The idea is based on Stephen Covey‘s principle of seeking first to understand, then to be understood. Let’s try to do that here. Let’s see if we can understand both sides.

The Young Woman

Let’s begin with the young woman. Whatever the precise circumstances of the relationship, we should remember that she is a person, not merely a headline or a legal accusation. If she experienced coercion, manipulation, or abuse, she may carry wounds that outsiders cannot see. If she made choices she now regrets, she may also carry guilt and shame. Either way, she needs truth, compassion, and an opportunity to be heard.

Understanding her perspective doesn’t require us to assume every detail of her story. It means recognizing that there is a human being behind the accusation.

There is an unfair perception toward women who have sex outside of marriage. In the Biblical story of the woman caught in adultery in John 7:53–8:11, the religious leaders ask Jesus what is to be done to the woman caught in the act of adultery. There is no mention of the man involved. Women are often the ones condemned historically. You even see it in literature such as The Scarlet Letter. So this young woman lives with this unfair perception.

Shame Blame Pattern

When we feel guilty, one of the often-used defenses against the shame is to blame someone else. We’ve seen it since Adam blamed Eve in Genesis after eating the forbidden fruit. It is no surprise that this young woman wants all the blame on the young man. Very few of us ever examine ourselves.

There is a principle I’ve learned in recovery: own your part. That principle is essential—but we must be careful about where we apply it. Owning our own choices does not mean taking responsibility for another person’s choices. A person who has been harmed does not become responsible for the harm simply because she made mistakes of her own.

For those of us examining our own lives, however, the principle remains powerful: What part is mine? What do I need to confess? What do I need to change?

Male Leadership Stigma

There is also a stigma toward male leaders who fall sexually. At the beginning of this post, I mentioned the repeated pattern. This pattern creates a paradigm, a point of view that we apply to all similar situations. This is easy. We don’t want to think for ourselves. We don’t want to research facts, so we make a quick judgment based on our beliefs and established paradigms. It is no surprise, again, that people follow the pattern of of accusing the church and its leaders of wrong doing.

There is also the fact that the church and its leadership have hurt others. Some have been hurt by other males, not necessarily in leadership—people who have been hurt put up defenses to shield themselves from further hurt. They also come to the defense of others who have experienced something similar. They can empathize with those hurt.

Knowing some of these possibilities and patterns, it’s easy to see why the victim accuses the other of wrongdoing. I’m not implying this is wrong; I’m trying to understand why this happens from the accuser’s perspective.

The Young Man

The young man also had a moral failure. Being in leadership, as I said, there is also a negative perception toward male leaders who fall sexually. Following a similar pattern of wanting to take away guilt, it is easy to see fault in his accuser.

There is also hurt on the accused’s side. The young man is now married and has a newborn baby girl. While his moral failure was known to his wife, these court proceedings bring the failure to the forefront. Can you imagine how his wife must feel? Can you imagine how the young man must feel? Not only do you have to deal with this moral failure again and how it affects your marriage, but you have to do so while the world watches and your life is all over the media.

Being in confinement, the young man is not able to see and hold his newborn. As a father myself, I can relate to the feelings associated with not being able to see and hold my child. As a husband and a father, I know I want to be involved and present with my wife and kids. This young man is not allowed to do either.

I write this not to excuse behavior but to stir up empathy, empathy that I feel as I consider the situation. My point isn’t to excuse; it’s to understand.

The Church

For church leadership, there is scripturally based doctrine that believers should not take one another to court. This is found in1 Corinthians 6:1-8, where the Apostle Paul rebukes the Corinthian Christians for suing one another in secular courts.

Some Christians have interpreted this passage as meaning that conflicts within the church should be handled internally. Others distinguish Paul’s teaching about civil lawsuits between believers from situations involving criminal conduct, abuse, or danger to others.

I don’t want to settle that theological debate in this article. My point is simply that the church may be operating from a theological framework that outsiders don’t understand.

Understanding that framework doesn’t mean we should automatically agree with every decision made by church leadership. It means we should understand why they may have acted as they did before we judge their motives.

The Family

Sin rarely affects only the person who commits it.

It spreads outward.

A husband’s sin affects his wife. A parent’s choices affect his children. A church leader’s failure affects his congregation. And when the story becomes public, the consequences spread even further.

One person’s wrongdoing can create pain in many lives.

Recognizing that doesn’t lessen the responsibility of the person who did wrong. It reminds us that sin is rarely as isolated as we imagine.

In all these cases of sexual sin, we need to remember how it affects the family. It is not only the two who had intercourse who are affected. The family of each is affected. The church family is affected. Even observers are affected.

The Young Woman’s Family

In the case of the young 16-year-old, we can imagine that her parents must have felt devastated. As parents, we leave our kids with other adults, trusting they will behave as adults, protect our children, and certainly not harm them. When harm comes to our children, the hurt is unbearable. Again, the pattern of shame and blame enters the situation. Even if it is no fault of the parents, they feel a sense of shame for what happened to their child. We, as parents, question why we left our kids in the care of others where they were hurt. So, naturally, we, like Adam, want to blame to remove our own shame.

The Young Man’s Family

For the young man’s family, it is even more complex. A pastor’s son is expected to be above par. When not, it is often seen as the pastor’s fault. Even if the parents are not leaders or pastors, they are often blamed when their child fails. This too brings feelings of shame for the parents. Naturally, the easiest person to blame is the accuser.

The Church Family

For the church family, there is hurt as well. When the church you attend is in the news, people wonder why you belong to such a fallen church. Often, the shame felt leads to blaming church leadership. People leave because of the shame they feel.

The Problem With Social Media

Social media encourages us to make judgments quickly.

• We read a headline, see a few comments, and decide who is right and who is wrong.
• We don’t know the history.
• We don’t know the people.
• We may not even know all the facts.
• Yet we feel qualified to pronounce judgment.

A social media post gives us a snapshot. A human life is a story.

We should be slow to judge when we don’t know the whole story.

That doesn’t mean we ignore wrongdoing. It means we distinguish between knowing what someone did and assuming we know everything about that person.

A Better Way

While it may not be as simple as I conjectured, I do know that shame and blame are certainly factors involved. I also believe the remedy is confession and listening.

Confession

In recovery groups, we are taught to confess our part. When we confess, we release shame, especially when confessing to someone who understands the struggle.

• Proverbs 28:13 — Highlights that confessing and forsaking sins leads to mercy, unlike concealing them.
• Psalm 32:5 — Describes the relief of confessing sins directly to God.
• Psalm 51:17 — Emphasizes that God accepts a broken and contrite heart.

In Psalm 32:3, David describes unconfessed sin as bones wasting away, but at the beginning points to the relief that comes from confession, saying it is blessed to be forgiven.

Confession can only happen if we examine ourselves and see our faults. We need to confess them to God and to each other.

Listening

James 1:19 says, “Let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak.” We need to listen not only to hear the words, but to understand. We need to understand the other point of view. The other needs to know we understand their point of view.

I wonder how many problems would be solved if we just listened before we spoke.

In this particular case, I know there was a confession and attempts to listen. I’m not sure where it broke down. I’m sad that it did before the issue was resolved.

For the general public, we need to understand the other point of view. When I look at social media comments, I’m sad. I know a bit about both sides of the story, and I see how people make quick judgments without knowing the facts. It grieves my heart.

Trying to understand another person’s perspective doesn’t mean agreeing with them. It doesn’t mean excusing sin. It doesn’t mean declaring someone innocent. And it doesn’t mean declaring someone guilty before we’ve heard the facts.

Understanding means being willing to see the person and the circumstances from more than one angle.

When Understanding Becomes Dangerous

There is a danger with understanding, too. Understanding someone’s motives must never become an excuse for their behavior.

• We can understand why someone lied without saying that lying is acceptable.
• We can understand why someone committed adultery without saying adultery is acceptable.
• We can understand why a church leader protected someone from the law without saying that protecting wrongdoing is acceptable.
• And we can understand the pain, confusion, or choices of someone who has been hurt without blaming that person for the actions of someone who harmed them.

Understanding explains. It does not excuse.

Mercy without truth becomes permissiveness. Truth without mercy becomes cruelty. We need both

Jesus showed compassion to sinners without calling sin righteousness. In my example of the woman caught in Adultery, after her accusers left, Jesus didn’t condemn her or throw a stone, but he did tell her to go and sin no more. He didn’t condemn her, nor did he condone her behavior. We can do the same.

Before We Choose a Side

We can’t solve all the world’s problems. We can’t solve all our own problems. But we can take a step in the right direction.

Before I condemn someone, I can ask:

• What is the point of view of the one with whom I disagree?
• What are the feelings of the other side?
• Am I responding to facts or to a familiar pattern?
• What assumptions am I making?
• What is my blind spot? What am I not seeing to have a complete picture?
• What has influenced my perspective and paradigm?
• Am I willing to listen to someone I disagree with?
• What part of this belongs to me?
• What do I need to confess?
• Most importantly, what do I need to change?

I don’t have to:

• excuse wrongdoing to understand someone.
• agree with someone to listen to them.
• defend someone to have compassion for them.
• condemn someone simply because everyone around me is condemning them.

Jesus gives us a difficult standard. He calls us to speak truth, but He also calls us to love. He calls us to recognize sin, but He also calls us to examine ourselves.

Perhaps the next time we see a familiar pattern unfold in the news, we should pause before choosing a side.

• Listen.
• Learn.
• Examine yourself.
• Seek the truth.

And remember that behind every headline are people—people who have made choices, people who have been hurt, people who need accountability, people who need forgiveness, and people who need God’s grace.

Understanding explains. It does not excuse. But understanding may be the first step toward responding with both truth and grace.

We can’t solve all the world’s problems. We can’t solve all our own problems, but we can take a step in the right direction. Instead of immediately blaming others for what’s wrong, we can look inside and ask God to change US from the inside out.