What Mr. Rogers Taught Us About Raising Good Neighbors

Posted on by Bob Richley
Illustrated autumn neighborhood with neighbors, homes, trees, and a dog

August 31, 2001, was a significant day in children’s television and a sad one in many ways. It was the final time a new episode of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood aired.

For more than thirty years, Fred Rogers invited children into his neighborhood. He changed his shoes, put on his cardigan, fed his fish, talked with children about things that mattered, and then took us to the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.

  • He talked about feelings.
  • He talked about friendship.
  • He talked about being different.
  • He talked about disappointment, fear, kindness, responsibility, and forgiveness.

He did something that seems almost strange today: He slowed down. Far different from much entertainment aimed at kids, there was no constant stream of stimulation, no need to make everything louder, faster, or more exciting. Instead, he talked quietly to children. And he treated them as though what they thought and felt mattered.

I’ve been thinking about Fred Rogers because so much of what he believed about children connects with what I’ve been writing about in these Family Values articles—especially the importance of reading and using stories to teach children how to live.

I don’t think Fred Rogers and I would have agreed on everything.

But I think we would have agreed on something important:

Children are worth our time and attention.

Mr. Rogers Took Children Seriously

Fred Rogers wasn’t originally a television celebrity.

After graduating from college in 1951, he went into television (not the military, as some falsely claimed). But he eventually returned to Pittsburgh, where he became involved with WQED and children’s programming. While working in children’s television, he also studied child development and worked closely with psychologist Margaret McFarland.

That relationship was important.

Fred didn’t simply decide what children needed based on what he thought would make entertaining television. He wanted his programs to reflect what was actually happening in the lives and development of children.

That tells me something about the way he viewed children. He didn’t see them as little adults. But he also didn’t see them as foolish or naive. He trusted them with heavy topics.

Bigotry

The Wading Pool Scene (1969): During an era when many public swimming pools were still segregated or hostile to Black Americans, Fred Rogers invited François Clemmons—who played Officer Clemmons—to cool his feet in a small plastic pool with him. Rogers then shared his towel to dry Clemmons’ feet, much like Jesus washed his disciples’ feet, delivering a powerful, silent visual message against racial discrimination and exclusion.

Death, Assassination, and Tragedy

  • Assassination Specials: Following national tragedies like the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. and Robert F. Kennedy in 1968, Rogers created special segments to help children process political violence, loss, and fear.
  • Death and Pet Loss: He addressed the concept of death directly—such as when a goldfish died in the neighborhood—teaching children that it is natural to feel sad and confused by finality.

War and Conflict

And he shall judge among the nations, and shall rebuke many people: and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.

Divorce and Family Changes

  • Divorce: Rogers tackled the emotional impact of parents separating. He assured young viewers that even when adults go through difficult changes and painful emotions, a child is never the cause of a divorce and remains deeply loved.
  • Episodes 1476–1480 — “Divorce” (February 16–20, 1981)
  • This is another five-episode series: Prince Tuesday worries that his parents are going to divorce and even believes the conflict is his fault. The episodes repeatedly reinforce that adult problems are not the child’s fault and give children opportunities to express their fears and feelings.

Disability Rights

Inclusion and Accessibility: Rogers featured guests with disabilities, such as Jeff Erlanger, a young boy using an electric wheelchair. Rogers spoke to him with complete equality and dignity, normalizing disabilities and answering children’s curious questions without pity or stigma.

Difficult Subjects Need to Be Discussed

One of the things I admire most about Fred Rogers is that he didn’t believe children needed to be protected from every difficult subject. He believed they needed caring adults who could help them understand those subjects. He was one of those adults and encouraged others to be.

Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood addressed difficult subjects such as racism, death, divorce, disability, fear, conflict, and other subjects that adults sometimes hesitate to discuss with children. Rogers didn’t simply tell children what to think. He gave them a safe place to encounter difficult ideas, ask questions, express their feelings, and begin making sense of the world around them. He demonstrated these traits through his actions and through stories in The Neighborhood of Make-Believe.

My Own Writing

That is something I have tried to do in my own writing.

My middle-grade novel, Redeeming Rhubarb, also deals with a difficult subject: prejudice and racism. The story was inspired by the real 2013 Boulder, Colorado floods, but the adventure becomes a way for young readers to explore what happens when fear and assumptions cause us to judge people we don’t really know.

The goal isn’t to give children a lecture about prejudice. It’s to give them a story they can experience.

A child can watch characters make choices, see the consequences of those choices, and then talk about what happened. Why did that character act that way? Was it right? What caused the fear? How did the other person feel? What could have been done differently? And, as Christian families, what does Scripture teach us about how we should treat other people?

That approach is very important to me.

Conversations

Like Fred Rogers, I believe difficult subjects can become opportunities for meaningful conversations when children have a trusted adult beside them.

That’s one reason I believe books matter.

A good story doesn’t have to answer every question for a child. Sometimes it simply needs to open the door to a conversation that might not have happened otherwise.

That’s what I hope Redeeming Rhubarb does.

And that’s one of the lessons I take from Mr. Rogers: we don’t help children by pretending difficult things don’t exist. We help them by walking with them as they learn how to face those things—with truth, compassion, courage, and love.

Understanding Children

Fred Rodgers understood that children have real fears, real questions, real disappointments, and real emotions.

Sometimes adults are tempted to dismiss those things.

  • “You’re okay.”
  • “Don’t worry about it.”
  • “It’s not a big deal.”

But to a child, it may be a very big deal. Mr. Rogers was willing to talk about those things. And perhaps that is one reason children trusted him. He didn’t preach. He spoke gently and, more often than not, demonstrated his lesson through a “make-believe” story.

Stories Give Children a Safe Place to Learn

His philosophy has a strong connection to reading. I’ve written before about why I believe books are such an important tool for teaching children values. It’s important to read aloud to kids. We can choose books that teach life lessons. We can teach biblical values through literature.

A child may resist a lecture about honesty, but put a character in a story who lies, and suddenly the child can watch what happens.

  • A character makes a selfish decision.
  • Another character forgives.
  • Someone faces a difficult choice.
  • Someone else shows courage.

The child gets to see the consequences without having to experience every consequence personally.That’s one of the great gifts of literature.

Stories give children a safe place to wrestle with difficult ideas.

Fred Rogers understood something similar.

His television program used stories, puppets, music, and the Neighborhood of Make-Believe to help children think about the issues they were facing in real life. His conversations with child-development expert Margaret McFarland helped him make those stories relevant to children’s actual concerns.

The medium was different.

He used television.

I’m talking about books.

But the principle is remarkably similar.

A story can open a door that a lecture can’t.

Fred Rogers Loved Books

There’s another connection that I find especially interesting.

Fred Rogers himself developed a love of reading as a child because of his childhood librarian, whom he called “Aunt” Sara McComb. According to the Fred Rogers Institute, Fred frequently mentioned her when talking about books and reading. She shared her love of books with children at the library, and Fred learned from that experience. There’s something beautiful about that.

One person who loved books helped a child develop a love for reading. That child eventually became the man millions of children trusted. And decades later, we’re still talking about him. It reminds me that we don’t always know what our influence will become.

  • Maybe you’re the parent reading a bedtime story tonight.
  • Maybe you’re the grandparent taking a child to the library.
  • Maybe you’re the teacher recommending a book.
  • Maybe you’re the librarian who remembers a child’s name.

It may seem like a small thing.

But it may not be small to the child.

An anonymous usher stopped a teenage Billy Graham from walking away from a packed 1934 tent revival in Charlotte, North Carolina. He found seats for Billy and his friend. The revival led Billy Graham to make Jesus his savior. Billy Graham impacted millions of lives and led many of those into a relationship with Jesus. The usher did a small thing, but it had a big impact, a huge ripple effect. Aunt Sara did one small thing that impacted millions of children through Fred Rogers.

Reading Is About More Than Reading

I’ve said this before, but it is worth repeating.

The goal isn’t simply to get through more books. The goal is to let good books get into our children.

When our children were younger, we would snuggle together and read. One of my favorite family memories is reading Charlotte’s Web together, a chapter at a time.

We weren’t simply completing a book. We were sharing an experience. That’s an important distinction.

Reading aloud develops literacy, vocabulary, comprehension, and imagination. But something else happens when a parent sits beside a child and reads.

We build a relationship.

We’re saying:

  • You matter to me.
  • What you’re interested in matters to me.
  • I want to spend time with you.

Fred Rogers understood the importance of that kind of relationship.

His television program wasn’t designed merely to give children information. He wanted children to feel that they were being welcomed by someone who cared about them.

The famous question in his theme song wasn’t simply an invitation to watch television.

It was an invitation into relationship.

Won’t you be my neighbor?

What Happens When We Read Together?

One of my favorite things about reading with children is the conversation that follows. Sometimes the conversation isn’t even about the book.

  • A character makes a choice.
    • “What do you think about that?”
  • A character hurts someone.
    • “Why do you think she did that?”
  • Someone gets treated unfairly.
    • “Was that right?”
  • Someone shows courage.
    • “Would you have been brave enough to do that?”
  • And sometimes we can go even deeper.
    • “What does the Bible say about that?”

Now the book has become a bridge.We’re no longer simply talking about a fictional character. We’re talking about life.

I’ve written about this before because I don’t want my children simply to memorize a list of rules.

  • I want them to learn how to think.
  • I want them to recognize good and evil.
  • I want them to understand consequences.
  • I want them to develop empathy.
  • I want them to ask questions.
  • And ultimately, I want them to compare what they encounter in the world with God’s Word.

A good book can help us do that.

The Final Neighborhood

There’s something almost fitting about what happened in the final episode of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.

The final week was called “Celebrate the Arts.”

In the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, Lady Elaine had appointed herself the judge of everyone’s artwork. But by the end, instead of judging the other characters, she created a collage celebrating them.

The final episode aired on August 31, 2001.

Think about that.

A program that spent decades teaching children about feelings, relationships, and how we treat one another ended with a story about moving from judgment toward appreciation. That seems remarkably appropriate.

Fred Rogers understood that how we feel about ourselves can affect how we treat other people. And isn’t that something our children still need to learn?

  • A child who feels loved can learn to love.
  • A child who experiences forgiveness can learn to forgive.
  • A child who is listened to can learn to listen.
  • A child who is treated with patience can learn patience.

A child who spends years hearing good stories about courage, kindness, sacrifice, friendship, and forgiveness has a vocabulary for understanding those things when they encounter them in real life.

We Can’t Always Be There

There comes a point when our children leave the house.

  • We can’t follow them everywhere.
  • We can’t hear every conversation.
  • We can’t see every decision.
  • We can’t answer every question.

That’s one reason I believe so strongly in giving children good books. A good story can stay with them. Years after we’ve finished reading a book, a character may come back to them.

  • They may remember what happened to Wilbur.
  • They may remember Charlotte’s sacrifice.
  • They may remember Heidi’s love for her grandfather.
  • They may remember a character who showed courage when courage was difficult.

And perhaps, at some point, they’ll face their own difficult decision and remember that story. That’s when the book has become something more than a book. It has become part of them.

What Kind of Neighbors Are We Raising?

Fred Rogers wanted children to understand that they were valuable and that other people mattered.

I want the same thing for my children, but I want to go one step further.

  • I want them to understand why people matter.
  • I want them to understand that every person is created by God.
  • I want them to understand that Jesus commanded us to love our neighbors.
  • I want them to understand that loving someone doesn’t mean approving of everything that person does.
  • I want them to understand forgiveness without confusing forgiveness with pretending that wrong doesn’t matter.
  • I want them to understand that courage sometimes means standing up for what is right.
  • I want them to understand that compassion means looking beyond the surface and trying to understand another person’s story.

Those lessons don’t have to come only through lectures. They can come through conversations. They can come through Scripture. And they can come through stories.

Start With One Book

You don’t need a huge library or a complicated curriculum. You don’t need to spend hours preparing a lesson. Start with one book. Sit beside your child.

  • Read.
  • Listen.
  • Talk.
  • Ask questions.
  • And when the story presents an opportunity, take it.
    • “What would you have done?”
    • “Why do you think he did that?”
    • “Was that a good choice?”
    • “How did that make the other person feel?”
    • “What does the Bible say about this?”
    • Then listen to the answer.
  • Don’t immediately correct.
  • Don’t turn every conversation into a sermon.

Sometimes our children need us to listen more than they need us to talk.

Fred Rogers understood the power of listening, slowing down, and taking children seriously.

I think we could use a little more of that today.

One Child. One Book. One Conversation.

The last original episode of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood aired twenty-five years ago.

Fred Rogers died in 2003, but the neighborhood he created hasn’t really disappeared. His impact hasn’t left us.

  • Every time we teach a child to be kind, we extend it.
  • Every time we listen to a child’s question, we extend it.
  • Every time we help a child understand someone else’s feelings, we extend it.
  • And every time we sit down with a child and open a good book, we have another opportunity to build that kind of neighborhood in our own home.

We don’t have to change the world all at once.

We can start much smaller.

  • One child.
  • One book.
  • One conversation.

Maybe that’s how we raise better neighbors.

And maybe, years from now, our children will remember those quiet moments—not because we gave them another lesson, but because we gave them something better.

  • We gave them our time.
  • We gave them our attention.
  • We gave them stories.

And through those stories, we helped them discover what it means to love God, love their neighbor, and live a life of character.

That’s a legacy worth leaving behind.

References

The following sources were consulted for the information about Fred Rogers and Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood discussed in this article.

  • Fred Rogers Institute — About Fred Rogers
    A comprehensive biography covering Fred Rogers’ childhood, education, family, early television career, study of child development, work with psychologist Margaret McFarland, and his philosophy of serving children and families.
    About Fred Rogers — Fred Rogers Institute
  • Fred Rogers Productions — Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood
    Information about the purpose of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, its approach to children, and its learning goals, including empathy, imagination, respect, self-esteem, emotional regulation, and social skills.
    Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood — Fred Rogers Productions
  • Fred Rogers Institute — Fred Rogers Archive
    An Extensive archive preserves more than 22,000 items from Fred Rogers’ life and work, including writings, photographs, scripts, and other materials that document his ideas about childhood, families, education, and reading.
    Fred Rogers Institute Archive
  • Fred Rogers Institute — The Simple Spiral of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood
    Documents the first episode, which aired February 19, 1968, and the final original episode, #1765, Mister Rogers Celebrates the Arts, which aired August 31, 2001. It also discusses the closing moments of both episodes and the continuity of Rogers’ message throughout the series.
    The Simple Spiral of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood
  • The Neighborhood Archive — Episode 1765
    Detailed information about the final original episode, Mister Rogers Celebrates the Arts, including its August 31, 2001 air date and the stories and activities featured in the episode.
    Episode 1765 — The Neighborhood Archive
  • The Washington Post — “For Mister Rogers, a Final Day in the Neighborhood”
    Contemporary reporting published September 1, 2001, describing the final new episode and Fred Rogers’ decision to end the series without a traditional television farewell.
    For Mister Rogers, a Final Day in the Neighborhood — The Washington Post

Learn more about Redeeming Rhubarb: Redeeming Rhubarb — Reading With Your Kids

Explore Bob Richley’s books and resources: Bob Richley — Christ-Centered Books for Families.

Conflict Resolution: Be Quick to Listen

Posted on by Bob Richley
Family reading books together on a bed in a warmly lit bedroom. Peace instead of conflict

Why Don’t We Listen?

I used to think I was a patient person.

When I was single, I could do what I wanted when I wanted. I was on time without waiting for someone else. When I spent time with kids, it was only for a few hours. Yet others even told me I was patient. They saw that I worked with children, played with them, taught them, and generally got along well with them.

Then I got married, and everything changed and discovered something about myself.

  • I was selfish and impatient, and I wanted my way; therefore, I wanted people to do things when I thought they should.
  • I wanted people to understand what I was saying.
  • I wanted to be heard.

And when they didn’t? I became frustrated. Sometimes I became angry.

I’ve come to realize that one of the roots of my anger is remarkably simple: I want my way.

When I was without a family, I didn’t think I had an anger issue. But when I got married, I found myself upset when we ran late and impatient with my kids and my wife. I could no longer do what I wanted, when I wanted. I felt angry. Why? Because I am selfish. I like what I think and believe is best; after all, I am always right.

I’m still working on this issue. God is making progress, but I am still dealing with anger and selfishness. Allow me to share what I’m learning about why anger is destructive and how God is helping me to choose love instead.

Why Conflict?

Conflict happens often because we don’t listen.

  • We have our own preconceived thoughts, opinions, and paradigms.
  • We all want to be heard and understood, so we advocate for our position.
  • We believe we are right and will argue to prove it.

The results of this self-centered thinking and behavior are devastating. At a minimum, we wound others emotionally. At worst, wars and conflicts break out, killing millions of people.

The Remedy – Be Quick to Listen and  Slow to Speak

Let’s look more practically at how we can overcome our anger. James 1:19-20 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” This is often my prayer for myself. I want to be quick to listen and slow to speak.

By the power of the Holy Spirit, we can listen to others with understanding.

Do you know why we become angry? Because we want our own way. We don’t want to listen to another way.

We need to listen to others and, most importantly, listen to God. It’s not my way, my wife’s way, my kids’ way; it is God’s way that we need. When we disagree, pray. Listen to what God wants.

We are often quick to speak because we want our way and to be heard. That is selfish. We need to seek what others want. Philippians 2:3-4 says: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others more important than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Listen to what others want. Notice that human anger doesn’t accomplish anything good. Verse 20 says, “because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” This is all the more reason we need to seek God’s will if we want the righteousness God desires.

When Bedtime Isn’t Peaceful

Our bedtime routine includes family devotions with our daughters. This is meant to be a peaceful time where we encounter God through prayer and reading his word. However, we often struggle to meet at the same time. The girls need to get ready for bed, which includes brushing their teeth, washing their faces, getting on pajamas, and getting clothes ready for school the next day.

My wife is a host home provider, which means we have people with intellectual disabilities living in our home, and she has to make sure medication is taken, teeth are brushed, and a host of other little duties. Sometimes I assume my wife is done, or she says she’s ready, but the girls aren’t. When the girls are not ready, she may do another task like prepare lunches for the next morning.

Communication breaks down. We fail to listen. My wife may say she’s preparing lunches, but I don’t hear. I may say, “Let’s meet in the bedroom,” but that’s not understood. We are all rushed and heading in different directions. When we finally assemble, there’s no peace and much misunderstanding. I’ll defend what I did. My wife will defend what she did. My girls will defend their behavior. Conflict arises because we don’t listen; instead, we defend.

What should be peaceful and prayerful turns into a minor conflict, hurt feelings, and stress. Why? Because we fail to listen. Nobody in the room is necessarily trying to cause a problem. We’re simply failing to listen.

This is a simple example, but it gets far worse. I know my wife and kids have been in tears because I didn’t listen and understand. My girls have had conflicts with a friend because there was no listening or understanding.

Wisdom from Proverbs

Proverbs repeatedly warns us about the danger of too many words.

  • Proverbs 17:28 says that even a fool can appear wise if he keeps silent.
  • Proverbs 10:19 similarly warns that when words multiply, sin is not far behind.
  • Proverbs 18:13 says we need to listen before we answer. We need to understand what the other is saying and then respond; otherwise, we may come across as unprepared.

That’s uncomfortable for me because when I am angry, I want to talk, justify myself and be understood. I want to explain, to defend myself, and ensure the other person understands why I’m correct.

But perhaps wisdom sometimes looks like keeping my mouth shut long enough to understand someone else.

Why Do We Become Angry?

I don’t think all anger starts with hatred. Anger is a secondary emotion. Often, a feeling like sadness or hurt lies beneath the anger.

Anger sometimes starts with something much simpler than mere hatred. It’s rooted in selfishness.

  • I want my way.
  • I want to be respected.
  • I want to be heard.
  • I want things done my way.
  • I want people to recognize that I’m right.
  • I want my plans to work.
  • I want someone else to change.

When I don’t get what I want, frustration begins. If I hold onto that frustration, it can become anger.

Philippians 2:3–4 tells us to “do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

That Scripture gives us the opposite of selfishness: humility. Humility is seeing God for who he is and ourselves for who we are. When we are prideful and selfish, we are making ourselves God. Instead, we need to let God be God. He knows what is best because he created us.

The two greatest commands are to love God and to love others as ourselves. We love others best when we put their interests ahead of our own. This doesn’t mean letting them walk over us or always giving in to their way, but it does mean listening to their desires, wants, and thoughts with understanding.

A Personal Example: Bedtime

As I said, my wife is a host home provider, which means we have mentally handicapped people living in our home. For a time, we had only 2. We recently had the opportunity to take on another. I was generally against the idea. I think it’s too much of a burden on my wife. We’ve had 3; it seemed to overwhelm her at times. Also, to have 3, we need to consolidate our girls into one room. They were 9 and 11 at the time and beginning to express their own independence. They wanted to decorate and arrange their room however they wanted. It isn’t easy to get them to agree. They wanted their own room.

We’ve twice turned down potential clients. We prayed and asked friends to pray. Each time, to my relief, we felt God said, “No.” We didn’t fight, though we disagreed. My wife felt stressed and concerned each time. She really wanted the extra income and security of having 3, so if one leaves, she has 2. When the 3rd possibility was presented, it looked more like God was saying “yes.” I had to pray because our girls were definitely opposed to it, and I wasn’t exactly in favor of it.

As I prayed, it came to me to take our girls out to Starbucks and listen to their objections. We did. They objected, but as we talked, we started to consider committing to having one leave by the time the oldest was 13. Everyone agreed with this. My wife expected one of them to move out on their own by that time, which is why she wanted the security of having 3. We agreed that if one didn’t move out, we would let them go. It’s still a bumpy road.

We could have given in to what the girls wanted, or we could have demanded what their mother wanted. Instead, we listened, and we reached a third alternative.

I didn’t take my daughters to Starbucks to convince them I was right.

I took them there to hear them.

That distinction matters.

If I had already decided the answer, asking questions would have been nothing more than a debating tactic. I was waiting for them to finish so I could explain why they were incorrect.

Instead, I tried to listen.

When I stop trying to be heard and start trying to understand, conflict changes.

This situation could have exploded into anger. I could have been angry at my wife for wanting to separate our girls and possibly overwhelm our family. I could have been angry at my daughters for resisting. Instead, we chose to listen, pray, and seek God’s will together.

Listening Doesn’t Mean Agreeing

  • I can hear my wife without agreeing with her.
  • I can hear my children without giving them everything they ask for.
  • I can hear someone who disagrees with me without changing my beliefs.

Listening means I care enough to understand. Sometimes, after listening, I’ll still say no. But at least the other person knows that I heard them.

The Most Important Person to Listen To

Ecclesiastes 5:2 says, “Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God.”

There is someone else we need to listen to before we make our decisions: God.

Ecclesiastes warns us not to be hasty with our mouths or our hearts before God.

Sometimes I become so busy trying to make everyone else hear me that I forget to listen to God. Sometimes I so selfishly want my way that I fail to remember, “Thy will be done.”

I pray, but am I listening? Prayer is not just asking God for what we want. It’s not just telling him our problems. Prayer is not just asking God for what we want. It’s not just telling Him our problems. We also need to pause and listen—to seek His will through Scripture, the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and wise counsel. Put aside our agenda and our wants and ask, “What do you want, God?”

I ask God to bless my decision, but am I willing to change my decision if He leads me somewhere else?

Responding to Anger

Proverbs 15:1  says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” I’ve learned how true that is in my own home. When my kids are angry, and I respond angrily, I haven’t solved anything. I’ve added another angry person to the room. Or worse, I’ve brought my kids to tears. I’ve wounded them emotionally.

James 3:2 says, “We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is able, just like a person who puts a bit in a horse’s mouth, to control their whole body.”  James reminds us that we all stumble in many ways, especially in what we say. Controlling our tongue is difficult because our words reveal what is happening inside us.

When I’m angry, my words often reveal that I am thinking about myself.

  • I want.
  • I deserve.
  • You should.
  • You always.
  • You never.

Those words aren’t really about solving the problem.

They’re about defending myself, getting my selfish way.

Listen, Speak Carefully, and Forgive

Listening may prevent some conflicts, but we will still hurt each other. We are imperfect people living together. Even when we listen, we will misunderstand. Even when we speak gently, we will sometimes say the wrong thing.

That’s where forgiveness comes in.

Colossians 3:13 says to “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you”

When someone hurts us, our natural response is to defend ourselves and hold onto the offense. Scripture gives us another way: “forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending nothing happened. It doesn’t mean allowing someone to continue hurting us. It means giving up our desire for revenge and trusting God with justice.

Back to Bedtime

I’m not writing this because I’ve mastered anger. I’m writing it because God is teaching me how destructive my anger can be—and how much better His way is.

Sometimes I wish I could say I’ve figured this out. I haven’t. There are still evenings when we’re all tired, everyone is trying to get somewhere, nobody quite hears what the other person said, and frustration begins to rise.

But now I recognize the pattern. Someone says something. I misunderstand, become frustrated and want to defend myself. My voice gets louder. And suddenly, our peaceful family devotion has become a source of conflict.

That’s my signal. I need to look inward, not outward.

I remind myself:

Stop. Listen.

  • What is my wife actually saying?
  • What are my daughters actually saying?
  • What am I assuming?

And most importantly:

What is God asking me to do?

I don’t always get it right. In fact, I probably still get it wrong more times than right. I’m an imperfect human, but I’m learning that being quick to listen and slow to speak isn’t just good advice for avoiding arguments.

Being quick to listen and slow to speak isn’t just good advice for avoiding arguments. It’s a way of loving my family.

Scripture References:
James 1:19 (NIV): “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
James 1:20 (NIV): “…because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
Proverbs 17:28: “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.”
Proverbs 10:19: “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.”
Proverbs 18:13: “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.”
Ecclesiastes 5:2: “Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God.”
James 3:2: “We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is able, just like a person who puts a bit in a horse’s mouth, to control their whole body.”
Colossians 3:13: Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
James 3:2: We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.
Proverbs 15:1: A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Church Scandals and Sexual Sin: Understanding Before We Judge

Posted on by Bob Richley
Traveler crossing a stone bridge toward a riverside church

A Familiar Pattern

A pastor’s son was accused, convicted, and sentenced for having intercourse with a 16-year-old when he was in his twenties. The media ran stories the very next day. Social media began commenting, praising the victim and condemning the church and its pastor.

How often have we seen a scenario like this? A male religious leader falls into sexual sin, the church is accused of covering it up, the leader is condemned, and media coverage is negative toward the church and its leaders.

Meanwhile, in the church, people leave. Others defend the choices made. “It was an internal church matter involving its members and should be settled by its leadership.” Some sympathize with the leaders, while others condemn them.

But what if, before we choose a side, we tried to understand what each person might be experiencing?

I’m not suggesting that understanding excuses wrongdoing. It doesn’t. I’m suggesting that we sometimes make judgments before we understand the people involved.

Could It Be Different?

I’ve written a few times in these blogs about understanding the other side. The idea is based on Stephen Covey‘s principle of seeking first to understand, then to be understood. Let’s try to do that here. Let’s see if we can understand both sides.

The Young Woman

Let’s begin with the young woman. Whatever the precise circumstances of the relationship, we should remember that she is a person, not merely a headline or a legal accusation. If she experienced coercion, manipulation, or abuse, she may carry wounds that outsiders cannot see. If she made choices she now regrets, she may also carry guilt and shame. Either way, she needs truth, compassion, and an opportunity to be heard.

Understanding her perspective doesn’t require us to assume every detail of her story. It means recognizing that there is a human being behind the accusation.

There is an unfair perception toward women who have sex outside of marriage. In the Biblical story of the woman caught in adultery in John 7:53–8:11, the religious leaders ask Jesus what is to be done to the woman caught in the act of adultery. There is no mention of the man involved. Women are often the ones condemned historically. You even see it in literature such as The Scarlet Letter. So this young woman lives with this unfair perception.

Shame Blame Pattern

When we feel guilty, one of the often-used defenses against the shame is to blame someone else. We’ve seen it since Adam blamed Eve in Genesis after eating the forbidden fruit. It is no surprise that this young woman wants all the blame on the young man. Very few of us ever examine ourselves.

There is a principle I’ve learned in recovery: own your part. That principle is essential—but we must be careful about where we apply it. Owning our own choices does not mean taking responsibility for another person’s choices. A person who has been harmed does not become responsible for the harm simply because she made mistakes of her own.

For those of us examining our own lives, however, the principle remains powerful: What part is mine? What do I need to confess? What do I need to change?

Male Leadership Stigma

There is also a stigma toward male leaders who fall sexually. At the beginning of this post, I mentioned the repeated pattern. This pattern creates a paradigm, a point of view that we apply to all similar situations. This is easy. We don’t want to think for ourselves. We don’t want to research facts, so we make a quick judgment based on our beliefs and established paradigms. It is no surprise, again, that people follow the pattern of of accusing the church and its leaders of wrong doing.

There is also the fact that the church and its leadership have hurt others. Some have been hurt by other males, not necessarily in leadership—people who have been hurt put up defenses to shield themselves from further hurt. They also come to the defense of others who have experienced something similar. They can empathize with those hurt.

Knowing some of these possibilities and patterns, it’s easy to see why the victim accuses the other of wrongdoing. I’m not implying this is wrong; I’m trying to understand why this happens from the accuser’s perspective.

The Young Man

The young man also had a moral failure. Being in leadership, as I said, there is also a negative perception toward male leaders who fall sexually. Following a similar pattern of wanting to take away guilt, it is easy to see fault in his accuser.

There is also hurt on the accused’s side. The young man is now married and has a newborn baby girl. While his moral failure was known to his wife, these court proceedings bring the failure to the forefront. Can you imagine how his wife must feel? Can you imagine how the young man must feel? Not only do you have to deal with this moral failure again and how it affects your marriage, but you have to do so while the world watches and your life is all over the media.

Being in confinement, the young man is not able to see and hold his newborn. As a father myself, I can relate to the feelings associated with not being able to see and hold my child. As a husband and a father, I know I want to be involved and present with my wife and kids. This young man is not allowed to do either.

I write this not to excuse behavior but to stir up empathy, empathy that I feel as I consider the situation. My point isn’t to excuse; it’s to understand.

The Church

For church leadership, there is scripturally based doctrine that believers should not take one another to court. This is found in1 Corinthians 6:1-8, where the Apostle Paul rebukes the Corinthian Christians for suing one another in secular courts.

Some Christians have interpreted this passage as meaning that conflicts within the church should be handled internally. Others distinguish Paul’s teaching about civil lawsuits between believers from situations involving criminal conduct, abuse, or danger to others.

I don’t want to settle that theological debate in this article. My point is simply that the church may be operating from a theological framework that outsiders don’t understand.

Understanding that framework doesn’t mean we should automatically agree with every decision made by church leadership. It means we should understand why they may have acted as they did before we judge their motives.

The Family

Sin rarely affects only the person who commits it.

It spreads outward.

A husband’s sin affects his wife. A parent’s choices affect his children. A church leader’s failure affects his congregation. And when the story becomes public, the consequences spread even further.

One person’s wrongdoing can create pain in many lives.

Recognizing that doesn’t lessen the responsibility of the person who did wrong. It reminds us that sin is rarely as isolated as we imagine.

In all these cases of sexual sin, we need to remember how it affects the family. It is not only the two who had intercourse who are affected. The family of each is affected. The church family is affected. Even observers are affected.

The Young Woman’s Family

In the case of the young 16-year-old, we can imagine that her parents must have felt devastated. As parents, we leave our kids with other adults, trusting they will behave as adults, protect our children, and certainly not harm them. When harm comes to our children, the hurt is unbearable. Again, the pattern of shame and blame enters the situation. Even if it is no fault of the parents, they feel a sense of shame for what happened to their child. We, as parents, question why we left our kids in the care of others where they were hurt. So, naturally, we, like Adam, want to blame to remove our own shame.

The Young Man’s Family

For the young man’s family, it is even more complex. A pastor’s son is expected to be above par. When not, it is often seen as the pastor’s fault. Even if the parents are not leaders or pastors, they are often blamed when their child fails. This too brings feelings of shame for the parents. Naturally, the easiest person to blame is the accuser.

The Church Family

For the church family, there is hurt as well. When the church you attend is in the news, people wonder why you belong to such a fallen church. Often, the shame felt leads to blaming church leadership. People leave because of the shame they feel.

The Problem With Social Media

Social media encourages us to make judgments quickly.

  • We read a headline, see a few comments, and decide who is right and who is wrong.
  • We don’t know the history.
  • We don’t know the people.
  • We may not even know all the facts.
  • Yet we feel qualified to pronounce judgment.

A social media post gives us a snapshot. A human life is a story.

We should be slow to judge when we don’t know the whole story.

That doesn’t mean we ignore wrongdoing. It means we distinguish between knowing what someone did and assuming we know everything about that person.

A Better Way

While it may not be as simple as I conjectured, I do know that shame and blame are certainly factors involved. I also believe the remedy is confession and listening.

Confession

In recovery groups, we are taught to confess our part. When we confess, we release shame, especially when confessing to someone who understands the struggle.

  • Proverbs 28:13 — Highlights that confessing and forsaking sins leads to mercy, unlike concealing them.
  • Psalm 32:5 — Describes the relief of confessing sins directly to God.
  • Psalm 51:17 — Emphasizes that God accepts a broken and contrite heart.

In Psalm 32:3, David describes unconfessed sin as bones wasting away, but at the beginning points to the relief that comes from confession, saying it is blessed to be forgiven.

Confession can only happen if we examine ourselves and see our faults. We need to confess them to God and to each other.

Listening

James 1:19 says, “Let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak.” We need to listen not only to hear the words, but to understand. We need to understand the other point of view. The other needs to know we understand their point of view.

I wonder how many problems would be solved if we just listened before we spoke.

In this particular case, I know there was a confession and attempts to listen. I’m not sure where it broke down. I’m sad that it did before the issue was resolved.

For the general public, we need to understand the other point of view. When I look at social media comments, I’m sad. I know a bit about both sides of the story, and I see how people make quick judgments without knowing the facts. It grieves my heart.

Trying to understand another person’s perspective doesn’t mean agreeing with them. It doesn’t mean excusing sin. It doesn’t mean declaring someone innocent. And it doesn’t mean declaring someone guilty before we’ve heard the facts.

Understanding means being willing to see the person and the circumstances from more than one angle.

When Understanding Becomes Dangerous

There is a danger with understanding, too. Understanding someone’s motives must never become an excuse for their behavior.

  • We can understand why someone lied without saying that lying is acceptable.
  • We can understand why someone committed adultery without saying adultery is acceptable.
  • We can understand why a church leader protected someone from the law without saying that protecting wrongdoing is acceptable.
  • And we can understand the pain, confusion, or choices of someone who has been hurt without blaming that person for the actions of someone who harmed them.

Understanding explains. It does not excuse.

Mercy without truth becomes permissiveness. Truth without mercy becomes cruelty. We need both

Jesus showed compassion to sinners without calling sin righteousness. In my example of the woman caught in Adultery, after her accusers left, Jesus didn’t condemn her or throw a stone, but he did tell her to go and sin no more. He didn’t condemn her, nor did he condone her behavior. We can do the same.

Before We Choose a Side

We can’t solve all the world’s problems. We can’t solve all our own problems. But we can take a step in the right direction.

Before I condemn someone, I can ask:

  • What is the point of view of the one with whom I disagree?
  • What are the feelings of the other side?
  • Am I responding to facts or to a familiar pattern?
  • What assumptions am I making?
  • What is my blind spot? What am I not seeing to have a complete picture?
  • What has influenced my perspective and paradigm?
  • Am I willing to listen to someone I disagree with?
  • What part of this belongs to me?
  • What do I need to confess?
  • Most importantly, what do I need to change?

I don’t have to:

  • excuse wrongdoing to understand someone.
  • agree with someone to listen to them.
  • defend someone to have compassion for them.
  • condemn someone simply because everyone around me is condemning them.

Jesus gives us a difficult standard. He calls us to speak truth, but He also calls us to love. He calls us to recognize sin, but He also calls us to examine ourselves.

Perhaps the next time we see a familiar pattern unfold in the news, we should pause before choosing a side.

  • Listen.
  • Learn.
  • Examine yourself.
  • Seek the truth.

And remember that behind every headline are people—people who have made choices, people who have been hurt, people who need accountability, people who need forgiveness, and people who need God’s grace.

Understanding explains. It does not excuse. But understanding may be the first step toward responding with both truth and grace.

We can’t solve all the world’s problems. We can’t solve all our own problems, but we can take a step in the right direction. Instead of immediately blaming others for what’s wrong, we can look inside and ask God to change US from the inside out.

Behind Redeeming Rhubarb: Prejudice, Empathy, and the Story Behind the Story

Posted on by Bob Richley
Woman leading a donkey across a forest bridge with a dog and cat

When we see someone acting with anger, cruelty, or prejudice, it’s easy to judge what we see. It’s harder to ask why. What happened in that person’s life? What fears, hurts, or beliefs shaped the way they see others? Understanding the answer doesn’t excuse bad behavior, but it can change the way we respond to it.

That idea is at the heart of Redeeming Rhubarb. Rhubarb’s prejudice didn’t come from nowhere. Strawberry has to decide whether to accept what her father taught her or look for herself. Bart has to decide how to respond to two boys who are cruel to animals. And throughout the story, characters repeatedly face the choice between judging an enemy and trying to understand one.

Those same questions matter outside the pages of a novel—especially for parents raising children in a divided world.

Recently, I was asked some thoughtful questions about Redeeming Rhubarb: Why did I choose mice and rats? Why did I give Rhubarb a painful reason for his prejudice? What can children see that adults sometimes miss? How much grief and hardship can middle-grade readers handle? What actually changes a cruel child? And what should parents do when their child repeats something hurtful they’ve learned from someone else?

Below are my answers. I hope they spark more meaningful discussions and provide more insight into the novel’s purpose.

You could have written this book about people. Why mice and rats — and why make the bigot the white mouse and the rescuer the black rat?

I wanted to remove the human element to make it more acceptable to my audience. If I chose specific races, others not included may not relate. By using mice and rats, I could keep the story universal while avoiding that problem.

I intentionally chose rats and mice to challenge readers’ existing biases about specific animals and help them recognize how quickly we form a judgment.

Rats are often seen as dirty, disgusting disease spreaders. We think of the bubonic plague spread by rats. In fiction, they are often portrayed as causing havoc, as in Templeton in Charlotte’s Web. While mice are often the good guys in cartoons and books. Think of Repacheep or Mickey Mouse. We often think of cute white mice as a pet.

In the book, I open with those preconceived ideas. Rats break into a home to steal food. Cute mice are having fun playing games and celebrating a birthday. Then I start to break down those notions by showing the rats are hungry and apologetic, while the mouse is loud and vindictive.

In my story, the rat is the hero who rescues, is wise, and sacrifices. The mouse is the one causing harm, trying to destroy, and hating. That reversal is meant to challenge readers’ expectations.

You spent three years as an evangelical Christian living in a lesbian community, having the conversations most people avoid. What did that teach you about how prejudice comes apart?

While I lived in that community, we got to know one another as people and became friends. We camped together, ate together, and played together. I went to parties to have fun and celebrate. All that helped prejudice come apart.

I watched documentaries and movies to understand better their point of view, which also helped me see them as people.

That’s how prejudice comes apart: when we see people as people, not a label.

That experience helped shape one of the ideas behind Redeeming Rhubarb: understanding someone doesn’t require agreeing with them. It requires being willing to see the person behind the label. I later expressed that idea in a poem I called “The Other Side.”

For convictions, we fight
so confident we are right.
Anger and aggression
without pausing to question
the pretexts of our certitude.
Rigid in our attitude.
It’s time we look inside
rather than trying to hide.
The fault and failure lie within
over our own self-centered sin.
Cease blaming others and God!
Let go of the deceptive facade!
Examine and evaluate,
consider convictions to abdicate.
Seek first to comprehend
what enemies apprehend.
Replace anger and apprehension
with charity and comprehension.

Rhubarb isn’t a cartoon villain — he lost a brother to rats. How important was it that his prejudice start from a real wound?

Stephen Covey tells a story of a man whose unruly children are disrupting a quiet subway car. When Covey asks the father to control them, the man replies blankly that they just left the hospital where their mother died. Covey’s perspective instantly shifts from annoyance to deep empathy. We all have a back story, and when you know it, you can understand why a person does or says what they do.

I tell my girls that people who bully or are mean are often hurting inside. We don’t know what goes on in their home. When I was in the 3rd grade, my teacher had a bully step out of the room, and we talked about what he did and why. The teacher explained that he may be hurting and ashamed. That stuck with me.

Knowing why Rhubarb hates rats helps us relate to him and understand his actions. It doesn’t make what he does right, but it does help us comprehend and sympathize.

You lived through the 2013 Boulder flood. What did you see then that ended up in the book?

I remember a road with a raised crack shaped like an upside-down “V”. That memory is in the book. There were signs of people volunteering to help neighbors whose homes were damaged and people helping to repair trails. I, myself, volunteered to help clean our church’s flooded basement and lost my wedding ring in the process. I put that volunteer spirit in the book. Some homes were damaged and others missed, so I put Bart’s apartment near where I lived because our home was not damaged.

Strawberry is the moral engine of the book, and she’s a kid. What do children see about their parents’ prejudices that the parents don’t?

Do you ever watch young kids play? Young children may notice differences, but those differences don’t necessarily determine whom they’ll play with. They see another kid—a potential playmate. I don’t think that prejudice is instinctive. I think it is learned.

Kids can also show a remarkable openness and empathy. They’ve not built up walls to protect their feelings as adults have, so that they can feel and understand each other better.

Rhubarb drinks. Strawberry loses a leg. A character dies. How did you decide how much a middle-grade reader can carry?

Reading With Your Kids put it this way in their review:

One of the greatest strengths of Redeeming Rhubarb is that it trusts young readers with complex ideas.

The book tackles racism, stereotypes, addiction, grief, courage, family loyalty, forgiveness, sacrifice, and faith without becoming preachy. Instead, these themes naturally emerge through the lives of memorable animal characters.

Kids go through much and are more resilient than we realize. I’ve seen children’s resilience firsthand. My late aunt grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father—my grandfather—and I’ve worked with children from broken homes who were carrying burdens adults sometimes underestimate.

That doesn’t mean children should be overwhelmed with darkness. It means we shouldn’t assume they are incapable of wrestling with difficult realities.

My daughters have watched movies and read books where the main character dies. They feel for the character. The tragedy impacts them.

I decided to make the characters go through tragedy so readers will feel and be impacted. However, I didn’t make Rhubarb a mean drunk because I didn’t want to scare the kids, so I did set limits. I also wanted the characters to be relatable. Life is not rainbows and sunshine. Characters are not all good and all bad. So I put the characters in difficult situations and show both the good and bad sides of each.

Bart’s nephews arrive, shooting kittens with foam darts, and leave, feeding one with a dropper. What actually changes a cruel kid?

I have Bart speak sternly to his nephews but not yell. To children, we are towering giants. If we yell and scream, a child will be terrified. Even if we speak gently but look down upon them, they can be intimidated and fearful. Imagine being three feet tall and having someone twice your size standing over you, angry, pointing a finger, and raising his voice. That’s what we can look like to a young child. So Bart doesn’t yell because yelling won’t change them. I wrote in depth about this in another blog.

I have Bart make them work hard. Work does something to us. It gives us purpose and satisfaction. I also have Bart let the boys feel what it is like to feed the kittens and play with the dogs. They experience the warmth and joy of doing good. That teaches more than words can.

As I point out often in the book, we need to understand why someone behaves as they do. Bart inherently understood his nephews, and I bring that out by showing his thoughts.

Bart also doesn’t lecture. He asks questions and lets his nephews answer. This prompts them to consider which is better: being cruel or being kind.

I believe that’s how you change a cruel kid.

A parent hears their child repeat something ugly they picked up at school. Based on this book, what
should happen next in that house?

This should be a conversation starter, not a time for a lecture. We need to understand what happened and why. We need to ask our child why they think another child behaved as they did, to consider what may be happening in the life of the one who did or said something ugly. I give some insights into having those difficult discussions in this blog.

Conclusion

Redeeming Rhubarb was never meant to be a book that children simply finish and put back on the shelf. I wrote it to start conversations—about prejudice, forgiveness, choices, consequences, and what can happen when we’re willing to look beyond a label and understand the person on the other side. As Reading With Your Kids put it:

Some books entertain.

Some books teach.

And every once in a while, a book quietly challenges readers—children and adults alike—to examine the assumptions they carry in their own hearts.

Redeeming Rhubarb is one of those rare books.

To help families continue those conversations, I’ve created a free companion guide to Redeeming Rhubarb with chapter-by-chapter questions and activities.

Let’s keep the discussion going.

Engaging with Children: Building Trust and Communication

Posted on by Bob Richley
Mother and child talking together on a living room sofa

Leo Buscaglia once said that to talk to children, we need to practice deep knee bends. He said we need to get down to their level. That stuck with me. In my years of volunteering in children’s ministry and now raising my own kids, I’ve put that into practice. I get down to their level and look them in the eyes. I play with them on the floor. I ask them questions and listen to them.

To children, we are towering giants. If we yell and scream, a child will be terrified. Even if we speak gently but look down upon them, they can be intimidated and fearful. Imagine being three feet tall and having someone twice your size standing over you, angry, pointing a finger, and raising his voice. That’s what we can look like to a young child. Getting down on one knee changes the entire interaction. Instead of towering over them, we’re face-to-face. When we get down to their level, we can build trust, bring comfort, and teach. Yes, children do need to obey, but not out of fear, rather out of respect.

There are certainly times when a loud voice is necessary. If my child is about to run into the street, I’m going to yell, “Stop!” That’s not intimidation; it’s protection. But there’s a difference between raising our voice to warn a child of danger and yelling because we’re angry or frustrated. Most of the time, we need to speak firmly but gently. Yelling doesn’t earn respect, but gentle firmness does. Yelling causes fear. We don’t want our children to be afraid of us. We want them to respect us.

Playing with Our Kids

Playing with our kids is vital. Fred Rogers taught that “play is really the work of childhood.” He believed that play is not just a break from real learning, but is the core way young children make sense of the world, test what is real, and practice vital life skills.

Children are wired to learn as they play. When we play with them, we not only help them learn but also bond with them at their level. That bond builds trust. That bond builds security and love. Children feel loved when they play with us. They learn vital rules about interaction and about life. When I get on the floor and play a game with my girls, I’m entering their world. I’m telling them without saying a word, What matters to you matters to me. They may not remember every lesson I tried to teach them, but they’ll remember that Dad wanted to be with them.

The best way to teach anything is to ask questions, specifically open-ended questions. Questions force us to think. When we think, we ponder what we know and believe. Jesus often responded to questions with questions. He was getting his questioner to think. He didn’t lecture. He taught. When he asked, “But whom say ye that I am?” — Matthew 16:15 (KJV), he certainly knew the answer. The question wasn’t for His benefit. He wanted them to answer.

Lecture Vs Questions

When we lecture, children learn what we think. When we ask good questions, we discover what they think.

There’s an important difference.

If I ask, “Was that wrong?” I’ve almost given my child the answer. But if I ask, “What do you think about what she did?” I’ve opened a conversation.

Then I can keep going:

Why do you think she did that?
Who was hurt by her choice?
What could she have done differently?
What would you have done?
What does the Bible say about it?

Now I’m not simply giving my child a rule. I’m teaching my child how to think.

Of course, questions only work if we’re willing to listen to the answers. If every “wrong” answer immediately earns a lecture, our children will quickly learn to tell us what they think we want to hear. Sometimes we need to let them finish—even when we disagree.

We can then ask another question.

“Why do you think that?”

That may teach us something about our children that we would never discover by lecturing them.

Deep Knee Bends

I’ve been practicing those “deep knee bends” for decades—first with children in ministry and now with my own daughters. I’ve seen the dividends. My daughters know that Dad will listen. They trust me enough to tell me what they think, even when they know I may disagree. That kind of relationship didn’t happen in one conversation. It was built over years of getting down to their level.

So practice those deep knee bends. Get down on the floor. Look your child in the eyes. Play their games. Ask questions. And then listen.

Facing Cancer With Faith

Posted on by Bob Richley
Elderly couple resting in bed while holding hands beside a lamp and candle

My dad has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in his rectum, bladder, and sternum. He’s a “healthy 84,” so the doctor thinks he can eliminate it with chemo and immunotherapy. This is not the first time. He had cancer in his rectum over 30 years ago. At that time, I wrote this poem:

Facing Cancer

"I'm facing my biggest fear,"
He said to me.
I was already hurting.
These words I did not need to hear.
"How does it feel to see me this way?"
He asked of me.
Hurt for him is what I felt.
"Sad" was all I could say.
The man with whom I could run 10 miles
And scale mountain peaks
Now, struggled to walk a few feet.
Memories of such days, now, did not bring smiles.
Seeing my dad weak and in pain,
Hurts me too much.
But though this is hard to bear,
I know our faith will not wane.
Through this fight for his life,
I'll be by his side,
And praying to my Lord:
"Comfort us. Save my father's life."
What outcome lies ahead for us?
It's beyond my control.
I simply do not know.
So in our Lord and Savior we place our trust.

Now we say the same prayers again. It’s just as hard, if not harder. I also pray for the “peace that surpasses all understanding.” Phillipians 4:7

I find it is easier to be angry. Someone tried to provoke me to anger yesterday. The Holy Spirit had to have given me self-control, because I certainly wanted to explode but didn’t. I find I’m less patient with my daughters, too, and have to be more careful not to snap in anger over petty offenses.

I’m most thankful for the prayers, love, and support of my fellow Christians. I can genuinely feel their concern; I can see it in their eyes, and I can feel it in my heart.

I look at my daughters, 10 and 12, and pray my father lives to see them grow into the Godly women they are meant to be. He’s proud of who they are already. They are mature beyond their years. They are smart, beautiful and gifted. My dad sees and knows this already.

As a relatively unknown author navigating the early stages of promoting my book, Redeeming Rhubarb, the journey is as much personal as it is professional. The book has earned a Certified Great Read distinction and a strong Kirkus review, but my deepest validation comes from home. My father has read it, and he knows how special it is.

My prayer now is for time: time to work hard and share this book with the world, and time for my dad to witness both its success and the growth of my daughters. Whatever the future holds, he already knows the depth of what I’ve created and what outsanding daughters I have.

I am not without hope. I do believe in a God who can perform miracles. At the same time, I’m skeptical and don’t have much faith in the medical profession. I believe his doctors and medical professionals have his best interest in mind. I also believe that God will work all things together for good Romans 8:28.

Facing Cancer Again

Once again, we face our biggest fears.
Though the pain brings us many tears,
We stay firm in our faith and belief, 
That God will bring us relief
While we still have hopes and dreams. 
We see beyond evil's schemes 
To our heavenly reward and place,
No matter what trials we face.

The Power of Love in a Broken World

Posted on by Bob Richley
Person walking along a lit path through a dark leafless woodland

The Book of Love Tells Us So

Alone in the lost chambers of your mind
Hopeless among such violence and hate
While the world outside is so unkind
Do you trust love came to interrelate?

In darkened streets where poor children scream
Vile abusers are allowed to walk free
Can you believe love really reigns supreme?
Or hope in some unseen guarantee?

In an evil world we are quick to blame
Love as defined by our own depraved hearts
Perhaps we are deceived by our own shame
Shredding souls into divided parts

We fail to see love’s provided the way
To light the darkness and dawn a new day

Discussing Love and Enmity Through Heartland and Rhubarb

Posted on by Bob Richley
A black dog and an orange-and-white cat sitting in snow facing a lit barn; a gray tabby cat and a raccoon on a garden bench under the full moon

My family has been enjoying the Canadian show Heartland for 2 seasons now. Last night we watched “Step by Step,” the 18th and final episode of season two of the CBC family drama Heartland. It originally aired on March 22, 2009. In this episode, Amy and Ty are stranded at a remote mountain cabin during a blizzard while trying to feed wild horses.

While watching the episode, I noticed a theme that also appears in my book Redeeming Rhubarb: an enemy helps when someone is in danger. In one subplot, Lou finally confesses to Jack that she is dating Peter, the oilman. The oilman is considered the enemy of Grandfather Jack. In fact, Jack doesn’t want Peter in the house and calls him the enemy, but when Peter learns that Amy and Ty are trapped, he offers to help. He sends crews with plows to clear the road, allowing Amy and Ty to return home.

In Redeeming Rhubarb, a rat named Barnabas moves into Rhubarb’s neighborhood. Rhubarb is a mouse and hates rats. Barnabas is considered an enemy; however, when Rhubarb’s daughter needs help, Barnabas risks his life to save her, echoing Peter’s help to Amy and Ty and reinforcing the same theme.

Loving Our Enemies

What struck me about both stories is that neither Peter nor Barnabas waits for the person who considers him an enemy to change his mind first. When someone is in danger, he simply helps.

That raises a difficult question for families to discuss: What does it mean to love our enemies?

It is easy to be kind to people who are kind to us. It is easy to help our friends, defend the people we like, and show compassion to people who agree with us. The real test comes when the person who needs help is someone who dislikes us—or even someone we dislike.

Jesus gave His followers a challenging command:

“But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you,” — Luke 6:27 (KJV)

Notice that Jesus doesn’t merely tell us not to hate our enemies. He tells us to love them and do good to them.

That is exactly what makes the actions of Peter and Barnabas so interesting.

Peter: Helping the Family That Rejects Him

Jack has already decided what Peter represents. Peter is the oilman—the enemy. Jack doesn’t even want him in his house.

Yet when Amy and Ty are stranded during the blizzard, Peter has an opportunity to respond to that hostility. He could have thought, Jack doesn’t want me around, so why should I help his family?

Instead, he uses the resources available to him. He sends crews and snowplows to help clear the road.

Peter’s actions don’t instantly erase the conflict between him and Jack. They do something more important: they challenge Jack’s picture of who Peter is.

The man Jack has labeled an enemy behaves like a neighbor.

Barnabas: Loving Someone Who Hates Him

Redeeming Rhubarb takes this idea even further.

Rhubarb doesn’t simply dislike Barnabas personally. He hates rats. His prejudice tells him what Barnabas must be before he ever gets to know him.

Barnabas has every reason to dislike Rhubarb in return.

But when Rhubarb’s daughter, Strawberry, falls into a storm drain and is in danger, Barnabas has a choice. He can allow Rhubarb’s hatred to determine how he responds, or he can do what is right regardless of how Rhubarb feels about him.

Barnabas chooses to help.

He risks his own life to save the daughter of a mouse who considers him an enemy.

And that creates a problem for Rhubarb.

If rats are terrible simply because they are rats, what does Rhubarb do with a rat who risks his life to save his daughter?

Barnabas’s actions throughout the book confront Rhubarb’s prejudice in a way that an argument probably never could.

He doesn’t preach. He doesn’t confront. He doesn’t argue. He helps.

And he keeps helping.

When Our Enemy Doesn’t Act Like an Enemy

That’s one reason stories like these can lead to valuable conversations with our children.

Children—and adults—can easily divide people into categories: good people and bad people, friends and enemies, people like us and people unlike us. And this temptation isn’t limited to one side of a conflict. Once we see someone as an enemy, it becomes easier to judge everything that person does through that label.

Reading With Your Kids put it this way in its review of Redeeming Rhubarb:

“Rather than presenting prejudice as something only ‘bad people’ possess, Bob Richley portrays it as something that often grows from fear, pain, grief, and unresolved wounds.”

That distinction is important. Understanding why someone has developed prejudice doesn’t mean excusing it.

Sometimes moral distinctions are necessary. People really do make harmful choices, and loving someone doesn’t mean pretending that harmful behavior is acceptable. Strawberry certainly doesn’t accept her father’s beliefs. She questions him. She confronts him. She speaks truth to him.

Loving someone doesn’t require us to pretend that what they are doing is right.

But labels can also prevent us from seeing the person behind them.

Jack sees the oilman.

Rhubarb sees a rat.

Neither label tells the whole story.

And perhaps that gives us another way to think about Jesus’ command to love our enemies. Loving an enemy doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing with that person, trusting that person, or pretending that our differences don’t matter.

It means refusing to let hatred decide how we will act.

Peter could help.

Barnabas could help.

So they did.

Most of us will never need to send snowplows into a blizzard or rescue a mouse from danger. Our opportunities will probably be much smaller: showing kindness to someone who has been unkind, helping someone we don’t particularly like, refusing to join in when others ridicule someone, forgiving an offense, or simply taking the time to discover whether the person we’ve labeled an enemy really deserves that label.

Sometimes loving our enemies begins with something very simple:

Choosing to do good anyway.

From Squishies to Savings: Parenting Lessons on Wanting

Posted on by Bob Richley
Needo Craze

I admit. I’ve done it. I’ve taken my girls to Five Below before it opened and stood in line to buy squishies. I’ve gone squishy hunting by going to various stores to try to find these elusive toys.

When I was a kid, it was the Cabbage Patch Craze. People stood in line and fought to get these dolls for Christmas. People were violent over a toy. It’s no wonder people call it a craze. It makes people do crazy things.

Why? Why does it become so important to get a toy that everyone else seems to want? God has the answer. God calls it coveting — wanting what others have. It’s no wonder he said, “Thou shalt not covet.” Isn’t that what we do when we want something that others want or have? We see YouTubers with thousands of these things, so we want them too. Our friends have them, so we want them too.

It drives us crazy. We spend money, lots of money, for something that eventually just takes up space on a shelf or in a toy box. Our selves in the playroom are currently filled with Squishmallows from the past craze.

Lesson Opportunity

One day at work, I received a phone call from my wife. My girls were at Walmart and had found a “rare” Needoh squishy and wanted to buy it. The problem was they didn’t have enough money in their allowance to buy it, so I did the evil thing and said, “No.” That’s right, I said, “No.” I purposely deprived my kids of what they wanted because they didn’t have the money. They knew I had the money, but I wasn’t going to give them an advance.

Aren’t I just a mean dad?

Well, my girls came home, but they weren’t dejected or mad. They know they can do extra chores to earn money in addition to their allowance, so they cleaned the yard. I paid them. They went back to Walmart, but the “rare” toy was gone. I was happy. Lesson taught. It’s a hard lesson, but a valuable one.

I wanted to teach my girls this valuable lesson: You can’t have what you can’t afford. It’s a lesson we all need to learn, especially if we live in rich America.

My wife knows this lesson. She grew up in the Philippines. She had no dolls. She took a Coke bottle and some of her siblings’ baby clothes to make a doll to play with.

The girls have now been very diligent trying to earn money. They’ve cleaned the yard, vacuumed the house, washed and waxed the car. I’m trying to teach them the value of money and a job well done.

Coveting Doesn’t Give You Satisfaction

Today I asked the girls, “Does having these squishies make you happy?” They said, “Yes.” So I pushed it a little further. “Do they give you lasting satisfaction?” The answer this time was “no.” I hope they are beginning to see the point. I remind them of the Squishmallows in the basement. It may take time, but I hope they will eventually understand.

I am proud of them for one thing. They do give away squishies they no longer want to friends who do want them. They also inform friends when they find one they know their friends will like, and they buy it with the understanding that the friend will pay them for it. Sometimes though, they buy it and don’t ask for money. They just give it to their friend. Bravo.

Think About It

Do you get caught up in crazes like these? What do you do when your children don’t have enough to buy what they want?

What lessons are we teaching our kids when we participate in a craze? Should we? Am I wrong to even buy these squishies?

What do you think?

Coveting says, “I want what you have”; generosity says, “I want you to give what makes you happy.” Do you think my girls are learning that lesson? Are your kids learning that lesson?

CANCER

Posted on by Bob Richley
Cracked stone sculpture of a human heart with black vine-like branches emerging from the fissures 
A cancer is eating away at our hearts.
Where love ought to reside,
Hatred for each other abides.
It divides us and tears us apart.

It has its roots in sin and shame.
We feel guilt within our own souls
Because of deep and dark holes,
So we find someone else to blame.

It takes courage to look deep within.
We must face our own pride
To let love reside inside
And remove the cancerous sin.

When we see our own faults
And confront our own shame,
We will cease to find others to blame.
Only then can evil and hatred halt.

When hatred and bigotry end,
We can turn enemies into friends.