Four Weddings
I married my wife four times.
Not four different women, but four ceremonies for the same woman. My wife is from the Philippines, and bringing her to America required a fiancée visa and a legal ceremony in the States. But we also wanted a ceremony in the Philippines with her pastor and her family. My family lives in Illinois, so we had a ceremony there. And our friends in Colorado needed to celebrate with us, so we had a fourth.
On the way to our beach ceremony in Maui, the legal marriage, we missed our connecting flight. The airline let us use their hotel room. I called the pastor to reschedule. My wife didn’t panic. She didn’t get upset. She was calm.
In that moment, before we’d even said our vows on the beach, I learned something important about the woman I was marrying. She’s calm in the storm and trusts God fully no matter what happens.
But the most important ceremony happened first — in the Philippines, before her pastor and her family. We didn’t just make promises to each other. Instead of making vows and signing a contract, we signed a covenant before God. We knew that, by our own human ability, we could not make a marriage work. But God could, and would.
“What God has joined together, let no one separate.” — Matthew 19:6
We were not simply getting married and making vows. We were asking God to make our marriage successful, to keep us joined together as one.
I like to tell people that divorce is impossible in our case because we were married four times.
But the real reason we’ll stay together isn’t the number of ceremonies. It’s the covenant. Our marriage is submitted to God, and we rely on Him.
"What God has joined together"
Has new meaning for me.
If God brought two together,
They are one and forever will be.
If God did the choosing,
Love is a way and a certainty.
No heart will suffer from losing
From now and into eternity.
Human bonds are broken.
When vows are only spoken.
A ring becomes a mere token.
Unless the Spirit is awoken.
Human nature is poor and weak.
The Spirit is mighty and strong.
It is His will that we must always seek
If we want to belong together forever.
A covenant is more than an oath.
It is a commitment kept by God above
That binds two upon a path of growth
Clinging to each other, ever increasing in love...
Our marriage is submitted to God, and we rely on Him. That changes everything about what it means for me to love my wife and make our marriage work. I must rely on God and look to his example.
Husbands, Love Your Wives Like Christ Loves the Church
So what does it actually mean for a husband to love his wife?
Here is what I’ve learned — imperfectly and still learning — about what it actually looks like to love your wife the way Christ loved the church.
Most husbands would probably say they love their wives. I certainly would. After all, I show her affection. I tell her I love her. But is that enough?
The Bible gives us a much bigger—and much more challenging—definition of what that love should look like. It is neither a feeling nor self-serving.
Ephesians 5 doesn’t tell husbands to have affection for their wives. It tells us to love them as Christ loved the church.
Without God’s Spirit in us, that example sets an unattainable benchmark, since Christ sacrificed himself for the church. Do we sacrifice for our wives? Do we give our life, our time, and our resources for our family, or do we demand our own ways to please ourselves?
Paul writes:
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” — Ephesians 5:25
That is an incredibly high standard. Gave himself means he gave up his power and humbled himself even to death on a cross. Wow. That’s an impossible benchmark to reach as a mere human.
Jesus didn’t love us because we deserved it. He didn’t love us because we always treated Him well. Nor did he love us because we made His life easy.
He gave Himself for us.
So when Paul tells husbands to love their wives like Christ loved the church, he is calling us to something much deeper than saying “I love you” or bringing home flowers occasionally.
He is calling us to self-sacrificial love.
I am still learning what that looks like.
Here are practical ways we can begin to live it out.
1. Give Yourself Up for Her
Paul’s command begins with these words:
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” — Ephesians 5:25
Jesus sacrificed Himself for us.
He gave up His rights and put our needs ahead of His own comfort. He came to serve rather than to be served. “Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being.” Philippians 2:5-7
That is the opposite of selfishness. Selfishness is one of the greatest enemies of marriage. It’s not our way or our wives’ way. It’s God’s way. We give up our desires for our wives and ultimately for God.
As husbands, we can easily think:
- What do I want?
- When do I want it?
- Why doesn’t she do things the way I would? (I’m guilty of this one.)
- Why doesn’t she understand what I need?
But Christ calls us to ask a different question:
What does my wife need from me?
Ephesians 5:21 says:
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
And Jesus explained servant leadership when He said:
“Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant.” Matthew 20:25-27
Then He pointed to Himself as the example. He did not come to be served but to serve and to give His life. Just before He died, He washed His disciples’ dirty feet. This task belonged to the lowest servant, yet the God of the universe humbled Himself to perform this most menial and unpleasant job.
When I married my wife, I washed her feet in front of everyone at our wedding in the Philippines. I wanted to commit and demonstrate the kind of husband I wanted to be.
Service is Christian leadership.
A husband isn’t supposed to use his position to boss his wife around until he gets what he wants. He is supposed to use his position to serve his wife. I know that is difficult. It is difficult for me. I want my own way; after all, I think my way is best. Without God’s help, I would be a terrible, selfish husband. I pray that God will help me to know and do his will in my marriage. When we make a decision, we always pray, “Not my way, not my wife’s way, but your way, God.”
If Jesus gave up his divine privileges to live as a man among us, we should follow his example. We, as men, need to give up what we want to do to do what is best for our family.
Leadership in a Christian home begins with sacrifice.
2. Listen to Her and Seek to Understand
One of the simplest—and sometimes hardest—ways to love our wives is to listen. Listening is not just hearing words; it is understanding the meaning, the feeling, and the purpose behind them.
First Peter 3:7 tells husbands to live with their wives “in an understanding way.”
Understanding requires more than hearing words. It requires listening to understand. I can hear what my wife says without actually understanding what she means. You need to feel what she feels and think what she thinks.
Sometimes my mind is already preparing a response while she is still talking. I’m thinking about why she’s wrong, explaining why I did what I did, or preparing my defense.
That’s not listening.
Real listening says:
“Help me understand what you’re saying.”
Sometimes that means repeating what you think you heard:
“So what I’m hearing you say is…”
Then let her correct you. Maybe you understood. Maybe you didn’t. The goal, however, isn’t to win the argument. The goal is to understand the person you love.
Your wife isn’t an obstacle standing between you and what you want. She is the woman God gave you to love. Listen to her.
I’ve had to learn to listen to my wife. We are from different countries with different cultures and languages. Her primary language is not English. I can easily misunderstand her simply because she uses the wrong English word. I have to stop and ask what she means. Sometimes it is difficult for her to explain what she means, and it can be frustrating for both her and me. It is not an easy road, and one we are still traveling. I am not perfect in understanding her, but I try to make progress.
3. Honor Her
Peter also tells husbands to show honor to their wives. Honor isn’t merely something we feel. It is something we demonstrate. One simple way to do that is with our words.
- Compliment your wife in front of other people.
- Tell your children what you appreciate about their mother.
- Tell your friends what you admire about her.
- And tell her privately, too.
- Don’t assume she knows.
- Tell her.
- Write her a note.
- Send her a message.
- Put a note somewhere she’ll find it.
You don’t have to write a poem. You don’t need an elaborate date night. Sometimes a few sincere words can communicate something important:
“I see what you do.”
“I appreciate you.”
“You’re beautiful.”
“I’m thankful for you.”
Honor her with your words because words have power.
I’ve had the habit of leaving my wife a love note every weekday morning. (I’ve missed some. I’m not perfectly consistent.) She appreciates those notes. I often say things I’ve said before. It doesn’t matter. She needs to read them again. More importantly, I need to show her that I believe the words through my actions. If I notice she’s overworked, tired, and burnt out, it means nothing to notice if I don’t do something to help. If I tell her she’s the most beautiful woman, but she sees me looking admiringly at another, she’s not going to believe the words.
Tell her and show her.
4. Read the Word Together
Ephesians 5:26 speaks of Christ cleansing the church “by the washing with water through the word.”
The Word of God should be central to our marriages. This doesn’t mean a husband needs to become a Bible scholar before he can lead his family spiritually.
Start simple.
- Read the Bible together.
- Pray together.
- Talk about what you are learning.
In our family, we have found value in having different but set times for God’s Word. My wife and I each spend time reading Scripture privately. We also read the Bible together. And we read the Word and do devotions with our children. I wrote a blog about how we are intentional about a few things, especially devotion time. The important thing isn’t creating the perfect devotional routine. The important thing is making God’s Word part of the life of your marriage and family.
A husband shouldn’t simply tell his family what God says.
He should be listening to God himself.
5. Take Care of Her Needs
Paul continues:
“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” — Ephesians 5:28
Then he says:
“No one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body.”
Think about that.
We naturally take care of ourselves.
- When we’re hungry, we eat.
- When we’re tired, we rest.
- When we’re cold, we find warmth.
- When something hurts, we do something about it.
Paul says husbands should care for their wives in the same way.
That means we need to know our wives. This requires us to pay attention and see her struggles. Know when she’s tired and frustrated and do something about it. Ask questions in your own way, or ask her directly.
- What does she need?
- What makes her life more difficult?
- What would make her day easier?
- Where can I help?
Sometimes loving your wife means doing something she normally does.
Don’t think:
“That’s her job.”
Think:
“How can I serve her?”
For example, I wash the dishes. I’ll hang up towels when they aren’t where they’re supposed to be. Those things may seem insignificant, but love is often demonstrated through insignificant things.
Go the extra mile. Don’t wait for your wife to ask. Look for opportunities to serve her.
6. Provide for Her
Paul says that we should “feed and care” for our bodies. Providing for our families is part of caring for them.
Work matters. Paul emphasizes this in 2 Thessalonians 3:9-11. Providing financially matters, but provision is more than simply bringing home a paycheck.
A husband should be willing to sacrifice his own wants for his family’s needs.
- Sometimes that means buying something for your wife instead of buying something for yourself.
- Sometimes it means working harder.
- Sometimes it means giving up something you want because your family needs something more.
The question isn’t:
“Can I afford what I want?”
It is:
“How can I faithfully care for the people God has entrusted to me?”
We budget. Since our marriage, we’ve followed Dave Ramsey‘s budgeting plan. We operate on a cash basis and save money. We invest. We’ve paid off our mortgage early and have no debt.
Providing for your family means being wise concerning your finances.
7. Care About Her Sexual Needs and Desires
Marriage includes physical intimacy. Paul’s teaching about the husband and wife becoming “one flesh” reminds us that sex isn’t an insignificant part of marriage. It is part of the intimacy God designed for husband and wife.
But even here, the husband’s attitude should be one of selflessness rather than selfishness. Don’t think only about what you want. Consider what your wife wants. Consider what makes her feel loved and desired.
And remember that affection doesn’t always have to lead to sex.
- Kiss her simply because you love her.
- Hold her hand.
- Put your arm around her.
- Touch her affectionately without expecting something in return.
A wife should be able to receive affection from her husband without wondering whether there is an ulterior motive.
Physical intimacy should communicate love, not merely satisfy a husband’s desires.
8. Love Her as You Love Yourself
Paul brings the command back to the same basic principle:
“Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself.” — Ephesians 5:33
- We are very good at taking care of ourselves.
- We know what we want.
- We know what we like.
- We know when we’re tired.
- We know when we’re hungry.
- We know what makes us happy.
What if we worked just as hard at learning those things about our wives?
- Learn her needs.
- Learn her wants.
- Learn what encourages her.
- Learn what hurts her.
- Learn what makes her feel loved.
Philippians 2:3 gives us an important principle:
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.”
That doesn’t mean neglecting yourself. It means refusing to make yourself the center of the marriage.
And there is another important part of this.
Earn her respect. Don’t demand it.
If you want your wife to respect you, become a man worthy of respect.
- Be faithful.
- Do the right thing when nobody is watching.
- Keep your promises.
- Admit when you’re wrong.
- And when you hurt your wife, confess it.
- James 5:16 says:
“Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”
When you’ve hurt your wife, she is hurting.
- Don’t defend yourself.
- Don’t explain away what you did.
- Don’t say, “I’m sorry, but…”
Admit what you did.
“I was wrong.”
“I hurt you.”
“Please forgive me.”
Confession doesn’t make you weak. It is one of the ways God brings healing.
9. Pray Together
Husbands, pray for your wives.
- Pray with your wives.
- Pray for your children.
- Pray for your marriage.
Paul tells us:
“Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.” — Colossians 4:2
When you disagree with your wife, pray. This can be difficult. When we’re angry, we often want to prove that we’re right. We want our wife to see things from our perspective. What if instead of fighting to get our way, we stopped and prayed? What if we both sought God’s way?
Marriage is about becoming one.
Ephesians 5:31 says:
“The two will become one flesh.”
Jesus prayed for His followers to experience this kind of unity:
“I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one.” — John 17:21
Prayer can help us pursue that oneness. Prayer isn’t only about talking. We should also listen. I try to do an ancient practice called Lectio Divina. It is listening to God through the reading of Scripture. You listen for a word or phrase that God is speaking through the verses being read. After hearing the word or phrase, you meditate on its meaning, think about it, and then respond with prayer.
Jeremiah 33:3 says:
“Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.”
Jesus said:
“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.” — John 10:27
When you pray with your wife, don’t just tell God what you want.
Listen.
- Ask God what He wants.
- Ask Him what He wants you to change.
- Ask Him how you can love your wife better.
And then be willing to obey.
10. Step Up. Lead.
This is your responsibility, men. Lead your family, but understand what biblical leadership actually means.
First Corinthians 11:3 says:
“The head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.”
Notice something important.
You are not at the top.
Christ is your head. You submit to Him. You listen for his leading, his voice, and you lead your family the way He wants. If you are the head of your household, then you first submit yourself to Christ.
- You listen to Him.
- You obey Him.
- You seek His will.
And then you lead your family according to what God wants—not according to what you want.
Ephesians 5:23 says:
“For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.”
Look at the example we’re given.
Christ is the head of the church, but what does Christ do with His authority?
He sacrifices Himself for the church.
- He serves.
- He loves.
- He protects.
- He provides.
- He cares.
- He gives Himself.
That is the kind of leadership husbands are called to provide.
Biblical leadership isn’t:
“I’m the man, so you have to do what I say.”
It is:
“God has given me responsibility for this family so that I will serve them faithfully.”
Love Like Jesus
When I look at Ephesians 5, I realize that loving my wife like Christ loves the church is far more challenging than simply saying, “I love you.”
- It means sacrifice.
- It means listening.
- It means honor.
- It means serving.
- It means providing.
- It means caring about her needs.
- It means physical affection and intimacy.
- It means confession when I am wrong.
- It means prayer.
- It means leadership.
And underneath all of it is one simple principle:
Stop making yourself the center.
Jesus didn’t come to be served.
- He came to serve.
- He didn’t hold onto His rights.
- He gave Himself.
That is the example husbands are given.
So husbands, love your wives.
- Not merely when they’re easy to love.
- Not merely when they agree with you.
- Not merely when they meet your needs.
Love them because Christ loved you.
- Give yourself to her.
- Listen to her.
- Honor her.
- Care for her.
- Pray for her.
- Serve her.
- Lead her toward Christ.
And when you fail—and you will—humble yourself, confess it, ask for forgiveness, and keep growing. You don’t need to become a perfect husband, but you do need to become a husband who is continually becoming more like Christ. The ultimate goal isn’t simply to have a good marriage; it is to have a marriage that points people toward Jesus.
I failed this week. We wanted to spend time with family, but couldn’t agree on what to do. As a result, tears were shed, and what could have been hours together ended up being only 10 minutes playing a game. As husband and father, I fell short in leading, and we lost precious family time. This was not the time to blame my wife or daughters, even if they had faults. This was my time to own what I did and be sorry for it.
Application
How are you loving your wife?
How did you serve her today?
Did you pray with your wife, by yourself, and with your family? When you prayed, did you listen?
If you did something wrong or hurt your wife, did you confess and apologize?
Let’s be the leaders God has called us to be. Love and serve your wife and family. Be the greatest servant of all. Listen to God, submit to Him, and lead your family under His direction.
