I’ve been on the floor wrestling with my daughters since they were small. We ran around the house, laughed until we couldn’t breathe, and slid down playground slides long after they were too old to need me to come with them.
Those moments cost me nothing. They built everything.
Because here’s what I’ve learned about fatherhood: your children are not primarily formed by your lectures or your rules or your theology. Your presence forms them by whether you show up. By what they saw when they were watching you — and they are always watching.
And right now, in America, too many children are watching an empty chair.
Failure
We fathers are falling short. There are many households without a father. In 2025, approximately 15.3 million children in the United States were living with a single mother. In 2025, only 65 percent of children lived with both of their biological parents. Furthermore, one in ten children lived in stepfamilies, most of whom also do not live with their biological father. In 1968, about 7.6 million children (11 percent) were living only with their mother, whereas in 2020 this figure was 15.3 million (21 percent).
Fathers are not involved with their children; approximately one in four fathers of children aged 17 or under (24 percent) live apart from at least one of their children, and 17 percent live apart from all of them.
Of non-resident fathers, almost one in three talk to their children or exchange emails with them less than once a month; 5% visit more than once a week, but a larger number (27%) have not seen their children at all in the last year. For fathers of children under the age of 5, a much higher proportion of resident fathers than of nonresident fathers carried out these activities at least a few times a week: they ate meals with them (96% compared with 30%), played with them (98% compared with 39%), bathed, diapered or dressed them (90% compared with 31%), and read to them (60% compared with 23%).
The 2017 survey found that most fathers (63%) believed they spent too little time with their children, whereas 35% of mothers did so. Of those fathers who held this view, 62% attributed it to their work commitments, and 20% said it was because they did not live with their children.
In 2023, on a typical day, fathers spent 1.5 hours looking after their children in the first instance and 4.9 hours in the second instance. Mothers spent 167% longer on primary childcare and 133% longer on secondary childcare.
Consequences
Economic Impacts
Children in households where their father is absent are nearly four times more likely to be living in poverty than those who have a father at home. By 2022, around 18.3 million children in America were living without a father, which is equivalent to about one in four children.
Educational Outcomes
Kids with actively involved fathers are 43% more likely to get A’s and 33% less likely to repeat a grade. Research based on rigorous causal designs finds that the worst and most consistent negative effects of a father’s absence are observed in outcomes such as high school graduation, with the evidence remaining significant even after accounting for confounding factors.
Mental Health & Emotional Development
Research that has been carried out longitudinally on members of UK birth cohorts shows that girls whose fathers were absent when they were young had more depressive symptoms during adolescence. Studies employing more rigorous research designs always find adverse effects on children’s social-emotional adjustment and on their adult mental health.
Behavioral Outcomes
Children of mothers who have been single display more aggressive behavior than those who have had married mothers. About 85 percent of the young people in the justice system grew up without a father figure.
Substance Abuse
Almost 75 percent of young people who go for treatment for substance abuse come from homes in which there is no father figure.
Teen Pregnancy
Adolescents who do not have their fathers as parents are twice as likely to take part in early sexual activity and seven times more likely to become pregnant.
Charlie Kirk said it well: “Strong fathers raise strong children. Fatherlessness doesn’t just break families; it breaks everything.”
This Must Change
“And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.” Malachi 4:6.
Fathers’ hearts need to turn to their children. Biblically, your heart is the center of all your thoughts and emotions. Fathers need to be fully invested in their children.
Play With Your Kids
Fred Rogers taught that “play is really the work of childhood.” He believed that play is not just a break from real learning but is the core way young children make sense of the world, test what is real, and practice vital life skills.
As I said, since my kids were little, I’ve played with them. Playing with them built a bond. They trust me. They know I consider them important.
Children feel loved when they play with us. They learn vital rules about interaction and about life. When I get on the floor and play a game with my girls, I’m entering their world.
As they grew older, we played board games and card games. These taught them valuable skills of following the rules, taking turns, and being good sports.
Teach your Children
“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6. Fathers need to train and discipline their kids. We, as fathers, are responsible for teaching, guiding, and training our kids. It is important to understand them and point them in the direction that is best suited for our children.
We chose to spend quality time as a family. This was an intentional choice. We played games and set aside time to read stories. Family devotional was a regular part of our bedtime routine.
When we watched TV or movies, or read books, we often discussed the lessons they taught. We asked if the characters made good choices and followed biblical principles.
Discipline Your Kids
Proverbs 3:11-12: “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.”
If God, our Father, disciplines us, so we ought to discipline our children. I rarely yell at my kids, but I do correct them. I give them responsibilities and expect them to do them. When they don’t, I remove privileges.
Mostly I talk to my kids. I ask them questions to get them to think. When I communicate with my children, I build trust.
Ephesians 6:4: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
Anger and yelling at our kids usually does more harm than good. If you struggle with anger as I do, consider this study on overcoming anger. Always be quick to listen and slow to speak, even with your children.
I know my kids obey and respect me because they know I love them. They’ve even confessed wrong without me prompting them to do so. My kids are not perfect, but I’m delighted that they obey, do well in school, and regularly read their Bibles.
Love Your Wives
The greatest gift a father can give to his children is to love his wife. When a man loves his bride, the children feel secure. Research indicates that kids in loving home environments often stay in school longer and develop greater emotional resilience.
A 2013 study from UCLA found that unconditional love and affection from a parent can make children emotionally happier and less anxious.
When we love our wives, we teach our kids how to love. They are watching and learning. They learn what love is by seeing it in action. We model God’s love. A father is the first view that a child has of their heavenly father. Fathers can be a good example of God’s love or a bad example.
My kids do the typical “ewe” when they see Mommy and Daddy hug and kiss, but deep down, I know I’m setting the right example when we do. I know my kids feel secure because I love their mother. They know I write love notes to their mother. When I give my wife flowers or other gifts, my kids see. They see when I help my wife with chores and how I serve her.
Sadly, they also see when I criticize my wife and criticize her in similar ways. They see when we disagree and how we handle the disagreements.
Watch How You Behave
Children will learn more from what you do than what you say. Consider how children learn. Children watch. They watch their parents, other adults, and other children. They imitate what they see. Children are constantly observing the people around them and incorporating what they see into their understanding of the world. Parents are the adults their children interact with most, so they must consider how they behave when their children are watching.
As a father, I’ve seen my kids imitating me, both the good and the bad. I cringe when I see something they imitate that is wrong that they learned from me.
I’ve seen them repeat things I’ve done out of frustration and express the same verbal frustrations I’ve expressed.
That was a humbling realization. I wasn’t teaching them to be cruel. I wasn’t saying anything negative, but my reactions formed them anyway.
Above All, Point Your Children to God
As men, we are responsible for the spiritual well-being of our household, especially our children. Men are the ones who should be getting their family to church, leading and serving in their church and community, and leading family devotional time.
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. (Colossians 3:18-19)
This does not mean we lord it over our family to get what we want. It means we submit to God and lovingly lead our family in God’s way. Focus on the Family wrote, “Ultimately, it comes down to a simple truth: Families need leaders. Someone must make decisions and take ultimate responsibility for the household to run smoothly and efficiently.
Focus on the Family went on to define leadership.
If a husband and wife have a healthy relationship, the following actions are typical:
They make decisions together as equals and look to Christ as the ultimate Head of their home.
They consider their aptitudes and embrace tasks based on individual strengths.
In some areas of service, they share tasks.
They understand that, in the end, the husband carries the greater responsibility for leadership.
Founders Ministries says that it is the men’s responsibility to provide family worship in the home. The article discusses how too many men are passive instead of active.
Sadly, there are far too many spiritually passive fathers, who leave the responsibility of the spiritual upbringing of the children to the mothers. Often the mothers are the ones who pray with the children, discuss spiritual matters with them and see that the children are taken to church.
This is a sad state of affairs. Dad is charged to lead both his wife and children spiritually. He is to first lead by setting an example before his family by his walk before the Lord, by his prayers, by his Bible study and by his church involvement. Only as He is personally faithful to the Lord can he truly lead his family spiritually.
Church
We’ve consistently gone to church since we were married. When we had to move and find another church, we chose one the kids enjoyed and that had a good kids’ ministry. I taught Sunday School. When my kids were in elementary school, I was their Sunday School teacher.
On Sundays, even when I wasn’t their teacher, we made it a practice to have a Bible lesson geared toward the kids. It helped that I’ve served many years in kids ministry before I had children.
Serving
We are involved in our church. We have served together as a family. We’ve loaded boxes for Samaritan Purse’s Christmas Shoe Box. My kids have helped me do Sunday School lessons.
My kids see that both Mommy and Daddy are involved in church. I am now a leader in the men’s ministry. My wife both ushers and sings. Our kids see that.
Our kids volunteered for the Christmas play last year without any prompting from us. I made sure they made it to practice and got pulled into the play myself when others dropped.
Family devotion.
To lead your family spiritually, you must be in the Word and pray. You can’t lead if the Spirit of God does not lead you. Read the Word and listen for God. Allow him to guide you. Be consistent.
I do a Lectio Divina every morning to listen to God. The Word is read to me twice, and I listen for a word or phrase from God. I then think about that word or phrase. Lastly, I respond in prayer.
I also do a daily devotion by myself and once with my wife. We pray and read the Word together.
We’ve added family devotion time since our kids were little. We’d read scripture, play a kids’ worship song, and pray together. As the girls got older, the song dropped away, and we added devotional books that still centered on scripture and prayer.
My kids are middle-school-age now, and we still have devotional time. Sunday lessons have become watching a good Christian show and talking about it.
Results
Our children know the word. They have memorized scripture. They were once asked to recite Luke 2:8-14 at a Christmas service. Our kids have been asked to help teach Sunday school because they already know the lessons. But knowledge is not the most important thing. I’ve seen them be generous with their friends. I’ve seen them forgive and reconcile. My kids are “growing in wisdom and knowledge and favor.” Luke 2:52
Don’t Fail
Men, don’t fail your children by leaving fatherhood to chance. Be intentional. Step up today: love your wife faithfully, spend time with your children, teach and correct them with patience, model the character you want them to develop, and point them to God. You will not do it perfectly, but your consistent presence can shape their lives for generations. Your children are watching. Give them a father worth following.
Don’t Be the Dad in this Poem I Wrote which was inspired by Cats in the Cradle;
Dance With Me, Daddy
She was born with a smile.
And I vowed she'd live in style.
But her glossy eyes looked my way
And I swore I could hear my baby girl say,
Daddy, do you love your little girl?
Will you dance with me,
Take me in your arms
And give me a little twirl?
When I'd come home late in the evening
She'd always meet me by our gate gleaming.
But I'd be too tired to play,
So I'd send my little girl away.
Daddy, do you love your little girl?
Will you dance with me,
Take me in your arms
And give me a little twirl?
A dance that delighted my little girl
Was being held at her high school.
She'd asked me if I'd go.
But I had much to do, and I said no.
Daddy, do you love your little girl?
Will you dance with me,
Take me in your arms
And give me a little twirl?
Much to my grief and regret
She went with a boy I hadn't met.
One day, she came home and made me very sad.
A baby had been given to her by that lad.
Daddy, do you love your little girl?
Will you dance with me,
Take me in your arms
And give me a little twirl?
It was then I could plainly see
She had sought the love not given by me.
I tried to take her in my arms and give her a twirl.
But it was too late. I had lost my little girl.
Daddy, do you love your little girl?
Will you dance with me,
Take me in your arms
And give me a little twirl?
